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Monday 28 March 2016
British Summertime Starts Here!
Just a quick reminder, folks: Don't forget that April Fool’s Day has been moved to 2nd April because of the leap year....
Shortly after I took off on an Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston a few weeks ago, air hostess nervously announced that the catering department made a terrible mistake. A big mix-up she said. Although 226 passengers on board they received only 80 dinners. She apologised, but said that anybody who is kind enough to give up their meal to somebody who is hungry would receive free unlimited drinks for the remainder of the flight. The next announcement came 2 hours later when she said, ' If anybody is hungry we still have 80 dinners available'.
Everyone was panicking on Easter Sunday, because they had to remember to put all clocks in the house forward one hour. I certainly didn’t lose any sleep over it. Moreover, while we're all tucked up in bed on Saturday night, spare a thought for the poor National Trust staff who will be working tirelessly throughout the night to move the giant stones "forward" an hour at Stonehenge. They have to do this twice a year, you know? Last year the rope snapped on the Jeep.....
I sez to the missus, “If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.” “Now why would you want me to do summat like that?” she asked. “Well, I reckon that you would eventually remarry and I don’t want some cretin using my stuff.” She looked at me and said, “What makes you think I’d marry another cretin?”
As I was sauntering down Scropton Street yesterday evening, I called into The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife public house. It was very busy because it was ‘Grab-A-Granny night. I said to the barman, 'I came in here twenty years ago, with my late father.' He said, 'Sorry, mate, I'm serving as fast as I can!
Non-Stick Nora is beginning to wonder if time really is a great healer. She sez that Barmy Albert fell down the stairs three day ago, and he still hasn't moved yet...
Doncha just love new technology? We’ve got one of those Smart Showers in the upstairs bathroom that lets you know when the missus is filling the kettle downstairs. Fascinating!
We’ve had the builders in over the last few weeks and they are very untidy. Masses of rubble and other construction related detritus was blocking the front path. I sez to Dave, the builder, “I’d like to have a skip on the driveway.” He looked at me and replied, “Do whatever you want to.”
The bloke who lives next-door-but-one is an RAC patrol man. Every single day I see him going to work and he is always crying and looking so upset. To be honest I think he's heading towards a breakdown. I'm here all week, folks!
I was in a very busy Supermarket the other day, and I said to this voluptuous young lady, 'I can't find my missus, can I talk to you for a few minutes?' She said, 'Of course you can, but how will that help find your wife?' I said, 'I'll bet you anything she'll appear out of nowhere'
If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:firstname.lastname@example.org My life is based on a true story.