Breaking News: Bonnie Tyler is bringing out a ‘The Greatest Goalkeeper of Manchester City’ DVD. It's gonna be called ‘Totally Clips of Joe Hart.’ Fascinating!
Still on the music front: The missus sez she’s leaving me due to my obsession with the Pet Shop Boys. What have I? What have I? What have I done to deserve this?
This morning, I contacted Tameside Hospital to let them know that if my wife's condition should deteriorate, I hereby give my full permission for them to switch off the life support machine. They curtly informed me that this isn't option for a sprained ankle....
When it comes to mucking up everyday sayings, I've been that, done there, got the tea bag....
Angela Merkel flies into Athens to attend an economic summit. When she gets to Passport Control, the officer looks at her passport and sez, "Nationality?" She says, "German." He answers, "Occupation?" She replies, "No, I'm only here for two days."
Yesterday afternoon, the missus called me on my mobile phone. "I've broken down in Tintwistle. I have water in the carburettor." she opined. "Where’s the car?" I asked. She sez, "It’s in the reservoir." When I got there she’d dipped the headlights as well. Oh, and now I know that the airbag works!
Barmy Albert’s uncle was a taxidermist and had bequeathed him two stuffed dogs in his will. Albert decided to take them onto Dickenson’s Real Deal. "A pair of Bobby Dazzlers," said David Dickenson himself, "These are Tibetan Mastiffs’. They are a very rare and expensive breed, do you have any idea what they'd fetch, if they were still alive?" Albert thought for a minute and replied, "Sticks?"
The missus decided to join an aerobics class. She bent, twisted, gyrated and jumped up and down for an hour. But, by the time she got her leotard on the class was over! She reckons that she has flabby thighs, luckily, her stomach covers them.
Thought for Thursday: When you swim up a creek and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray...
I’ve had a Eureka moment! Gentlemen. Listen up! I’ve finally worked it out. The best way to get a woman to change her mind is to agree with her in the first place! You heard it here first folks!
I've been hanging out at the local gym - I think I need to buy some bigger shorts!
If you don't do anything else today, be sure to tell someone about the hilarious geezer called Austin Knight and this craze-ridden newspaper column! Spread the gospel around the local pub, the lap dancing bar, the dole office, on the train coming back from community service, on the bus returning from visiting your probation officer, and at 30,000 leagues beneath the sea. Okay, forget about the underwater gubbins but do all the rest, that's an order! Visit my website too! www.ComedianUK.com You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now assume a comical position and strike the pose! Spring is a-comin'!
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