The Electron Quantum Physics Scenario....

Took the missus to a restaurant and she didn't really like anything on the menu.
Waiter: "Would you like to hear the specials, madam?"
The Missus: "Yes, please"
Waiter: " Dis town, Ah ah, Is comin like a ghost town!!.. All da clubs am closin' down.....

I really shouldn't be sat here writing this column right now, I should be back at the University of Manchester Institute of Science & Technology, where I'm currently studying 'Electron Quantum Physics'. But it's impossible to be in two places at once, isn't it?   A further mitigating factor is that my Yoga teacher turned up absolutely bladdered yesterday and left me in a very awkward position....

                                           

When Barmy Albert was a young lad, he lived in a suburb of Tameside. None of his classmates liked him because he was an utter moron, especially his teacher, who was always shouting at him, "You’re driving me pots for rags, Albert", the teacher would exclaim. One day Albert’s mum came to school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told her honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and never had she seen such a dumb kid in her entire teaching career. The mum was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from school and moved out of Stalybridge, relocating to Glossop. Now read on...

25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to have heart surgery, which only one surgeon could perform. Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful. When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her. She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something, but eventually died. The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw Barmy Albert, who was working as a cleaner in the operating theatre and who had unplugged the oxygen equipment in order to connect his Hoover! Don't tell me you thought Barmy Albert became a heart-surgeon?

                                           

Last week, I sez to the missus, "What would you like for Valentines Day?" She replied, "You can get me anything from The Body Shop." So I've got her a front nearside wing for a Ford Focus. No doubt it'll be the wrong colour....


                                     

This blonde was selling her pet python and advertised in it in the local paper. A bloke rang up and asked if it was big. She sez, "It's massive." He said, “How many feet?" She replied, “None, it's a flamin’ snake!"





                   

I stepped back in amazement and the fella behind me stepped back further because he was amazed at how far back I'd stepped, primarily because I was exasperated with the same old boring jokes that are still being circulated around the pub and at work? I’m sure you are too, but no, not me. No sirree! I like the same old boring jokes and that's why I print them right here in this gloppy humour column every available chance I get. Accept me for what I am; completely unacceptable. Click on my joke blog: www.ComedianUK.com or better still email me: comedianuk@sky.com Oh, and If your phone didn’t ring yesterday, then it was me! Start the car!