Gandhi....

                     

When Gandhi was studying law at the University College of London, a white professor, whose last name was Peters, disliked him intensely and always displayed prejudice and animosity towards him.
Also, because Gandhi never lowered his head when addressing him, as he expected .... there were always "arguments" and confrontations.

One day, Mr. Peters was having lunch at the dining room of the University, and Gandhi came along with his tray and sat next to the professor. The professor said, "Mr Gandhi, you do not understand. A pig and a bird do not sit together to eat."
Gandhi looked at him as a parent would a rude child and calmly replied, "You do not worry professor. I'll fly away," and he went and sat at another table.


Mr. Peters, reddened with rage, decided to take revenge on the next test paper, but Gandhi responded brilliantly to all questions. Mr. Peters, unhappy and frustrated, asked him the following question. "Mr Gandhi, if you were walking down the street and found a package, and within was a bag of wisdom and another bag with a lot of money, which one would you take?"


Without hesitating, Gandhi responded,"The one with the money, of course."

Mr. Peters , smiling sarcastically said, "I, in your place, would have taken the wisdom, don't you think?"


Gandhi shrugged indifferently and responded,"Each one takes what he doesn't have."

Mr. Peters, by this time was fit to be tied. So great was his anger that he wrote on Gandhi's exam sheet the word "idiot" and gave it to Gandhi. Gandhi took the exam sheet and sat down at his desk trying very hard to remain calm while he contemplated his next move.


A few minutes later, Gandhi got up, went to the professor and said to him in a dignified but sarcastically polite tone, "Mr. Peters, you signed the sheet, but you did not give me the grade."

                                                                 Gandhi

Scottish Language....

   

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: "Five beers, please."


An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative … But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.” A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”


An 80-year-old Scotsman went to the doctor for a check-up.  The doctor was amazed at what good shape the old fellow was in and asked: "How do you stay in such great physical condition?'


"I am Scottish and I am a golfer," said the old fellow: "and that is why I am in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a wee glass of whisky, and that's it."


"Well,' said the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there has to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?"


"Who said my Dad died?"


The doctor was amazed. "You mean you are 80 years old and your Dad is still alive. How old is he?"


"He is 100 years old," said the old Scottish golfer. "In fact he golfed wi' me this mornin, and then we went to a topless beach in Glasgow for a walk and had anither wee dram and that is why he is still alive. He is a Scot and he is a golfer, too."


"Well," the doctor said, "that's great, but I am sure there is more to it than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?"


"Who said my Grandad is dead?"

Stunned, the doctor asked, "You mean you are 80 years old and your grandfather is still living! Incredible, how old is he?"


"He is 118 years old," said the old Scottish golfer.


The doctor was getting frustrated at this point: "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"


"No. Grandad couldnae go this mornin' because he is getting married today"


At this point the doctor was close to losing it. "Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old bloke want to get married?"


"Who said he wanted to?"

 
                 

Ornithological Behaviour....

                 

The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the M4 near Bridgend recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorrys, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Caw", not a single one could shout "Lorry"

                 

The Police in the United Kingdom....

       

How do you tell the difference  between an English Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer and an American Police Officer?

QUESTION:  You're on duty by yourself (don't ask why, you just are, and your Sergeant hates you) walking on a deserted street late at night. Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you. You are carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it.  However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you.  What do you do?
ANSWER:
English  Police  Officer:

Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.

1) Does the man look poor or oppressed?

2) Has he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?

3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?

4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

5) Am I dressed provocatively?

6) Could I run away?

7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand?

8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings?

9)  Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society?

10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me?

11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?

12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself? 

13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my  job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?

 

14) What would be the consequences if this case was referred to the European Court of Human Rights?

 

Canadian Police  Officer:
BANG !

American Police  Officer:
BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !  BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG  !

'Click'...Reload...

BANG ! BANG ! BANG !  BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG  !

                

Hospitalised!

        

A man finds himself in hospital. Late in the night he regained consciousness. He found himself in agonising pain in the hospital's ICU, with tubes up his nose, wires monitoring every function and a voluptous young nurse hovering over him.

He then realised he'd obviously been in a serious accident. She gave him a deep look straight into the eyes, and he heard her slowly

say, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."


Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits, then?"

THAT MY FRIENDS, IS A POSITIVE ATTITUDE!

               

Glasgow Nicknames...

Nicknames given to Glasgow characters by their friends and workmates:

"Two Soups" - his real name is Campbell Baxter.

"The Boomerang Kid" - whenever anyone at work asks a question, he always replies:
'I'll get back to you on that.'

"The Parachute" - lets everyone down at the last minute.

"Vaseline" - his real name is Willie Burns.

"Rembrandt" - loves saying to colleagues: 'Let me put you in the picture...'

"Bo Derek" - a chap called Derek with terrible body odour.

"The Genie" - magically appears whenever anyone opens a bottle.

"Dulux" - his pals reckon he's only got one coat.

"Soapy" - washes his hands of any problems that crop up..

"The Yeti" - always on the sick. Many unconfirmed sightings of this guy, but nobody can prove he actually exists.

"The Gas Man" - he's serviced loads of old boilers.

"The Hostage" - when anyone asks for help he always replies: 'Sorry, my hands are tied.'

"The Olympic Flame" - he never goes out!
                       

Happy New Year 2015!

In 2015, remember those who matter most to you, those who won't anymore. The important ones, who always will. Never worry about the people from your past, because there’s good reason why they never made it to your future. If you're in a rut, get out of it and start a new rut. Happy New Year to All My Friends Innit!





My next gig is onboard 'Balmoral', a fine Fred Olsen vessel. I depart from Southampton on January 4th and visit Malaga and Malta and disembark in Egypt in mid January. Happy New Year 2015 Folks!

http://www.cruise-southampton.co.uk/balmoral_fred_olsen_cruise_lines_cruises_from_southampton.htm.htm