Let it snow, let it snow....

DEC
20TH It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first we've seen
for years. The wife and I took out our hot toddies and sat on the porch
watching the fluffy soft flakes drift gently down clinging to the trees and
covering the ground. It's so beautiful and peaceful.

DEC 24th We
awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering as far
as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight, every tree and bush covered
with a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the first time ever and
loved it. I did both our driveway and the pavement. Later that day a
snowplough came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with
compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back
and shovelled it away again. The children next door built a snowman with
coal for eyes and a carrot for a nose, and had a snowball fight, a couple
just missed me and hit the car so I threw a couple back and joined in their
fun.

DEC 26th It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the
temperature dropped to around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees
and bushes snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled our driveway
again. Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did his trick again.
Much of the snow is now a brownish - grey.

JAN 1st Warmed up enough
during the day to create some slush which soon became ice when the
temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both our cars £500. Fell on
my arse in the driveway. £100 to a physio but nothing was broken.

JAN 5th Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought her a 4x4 to get her to work.
She slid into a wall and did considerable damage to the right wing - £200.
Had another 8 inches of white shite last night. Both vehicles are covered in
salt and iced up slush that bastard snowplough came by twice today. Where's
that bloody shovel.

JAN 9th More fucking snow. Not a tree or bush on
our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night.
Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a paraffin heater
which tipped over and nearly torched the house. I managed to put the flames
out but suffered 2nd Degree burns on my hands. Lost all my eye brows and
eyelashes. Car hit a fucking deer on the way to casualty and was written
off.

JAN 13th Fucking bastard white shite just keeps on coming down.
Have to put on every article of clothing just to go to the post box. The
little clowns next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back - I'll
shove that carrot so far up the little pricks arse it'll take good surgeon 6
hours to find it. If I ever catch the arsehole that drives the snowplough
I'll chew open his chest and rip out his heart with my teeth. I think the
bastard hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and
then he accelerates down the street like Michael 'fucking' Schumacher and
buries he fucking driveway again.

JAN 17th 16 more sodding inches of
fucking snow and fucking ice and fucking sleet and god knows what other
white shite fell last night. I am in court in 3 months time for assaulting
the snowplough driver with an ice - pick..
Can't move my fucking toes.
Haven't seen the sun for 5 weeks. Minus 20 and more fucking snow
forecast

FUCK THIS, I'M MOVING BACK TO LONDON

Call Centre Conversations...

Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.
Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.
Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.
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Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.
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RAC Motoring Services
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?'
Operator: ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'
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Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
'If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'
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Directory Enquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'.
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'.
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Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland'.
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On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on'.
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Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.
Customer: 'OK'.
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.
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Tech Support: 'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'
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Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?'.
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There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared.'
Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark??'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
' Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not??'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too f---ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!'

Man Walks Into A Bar...

There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 3 shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"

The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."

The next day the same man comes in and this time orders 6 shots of whiskey.

The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?"

The man says, "I found out that my son is gay."

The next day the same man comes in the bar and ups his order to 10 shots of whiskey.

Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"

The man looks up and says, "Apparently my wife does."

Dads are much more honest...

"Mum? I've got a question. The guys at school are using words I don't understand."

"What words, dear?"

"Pussy and Bitch."

Mum inhaled sharply, but then said: "Oh, that's easy. A pussy is a cat, like our little Chico. A bitch is a female dog, like our Sandy."

"Thanks, Mum.."

He then found his Dad out in the garage.

"Dad, the guys at school are using words I don't understand."

"What words, son?"

"Pussy and bitch. I asked Mum, but I don't think she told me the right meanings."

Dad said: "Son, never ask your mother about these things, ask me instead. Let me explain it like this."

He pulled a Playboy from his workbench, turned to the centerfold, drew a circle around the pubic area and said: "Son, everything inside the circle is pussy."

"Okay, Dad. Then what's a bitch?"

Dad replied: "Everything outside the circle.".

Woman goes to the doctor...

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. . . . .

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman:" Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband
comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp...."

Doctor:"I have a real good medicine against that: When your husband
comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start
swishing it in your mouth and don't stop".

2 weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks reborn and fresh again.

Woman:" Doc, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came
home drunk I swished repeatedly with chamomile tea and he never
touched me.

Doctor: "well, you see how keeping your mouth shut helps?"

U.N Survey & other gubbins...

A worldwide telephone survey conducted by the U.N. last month was a complete flop. The only question asked was:- "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a failure because of the following:
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant, and Middle East nations didn't know what "solution" meant. South Americans didn't know what "please" meant and
in the United States they didn't know what was meant by "the rest of the world."
and finally......................in London and Australia , they hung up because they couldn't understand the bloody Indian from the call centre in Islamabad on the other end of the phone. Incredibubble!





Non-Stick Nora’s dishwasher quit working so she called a plumber. As she had to go to work the next day, she told the plumber, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the invoice on the worktop and I'll send you a cheque."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do not, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I repeat; do not talk to my parrot!” When he got there he saw the biggest, meanest looking dog he had ever seen. But, as she said, he just lay on the carpet and watched him work. He didn't bother him at all. The parrot however, drove him crackers the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the plumber couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up you ugly looking bird!"

To which the parrot replied, " Go get him, Spike!"



Joey and his classmates had just finished an educational tour of the local fire station.
Before the kids could leave, the chief fire officer quizzed them. The fire officer asked little Joey, "What would you do if your clothes catch on fire?" Joey replied promptly, "I wouldn’t put them on."



Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica,where do they go ? Wonder no more. It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing: "Freeze a jolly good fellow." Then they kick him in the ice hole. So, now we know. Fascinating innit!!



I had to change a light bulb yesterday. A bit later on I crossed the road and walked into a pub. My life has become one big joke. For more BIG jokes, just visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: austin.knight@homecall.co.uk Now, get back to work!

A CHILD'S VIEW OF MUSIC...

By Richard Lederer

Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.

I know what a sextet is but I had rather not say.

Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields
and McCoys.

My very best liked piece of music is the Bronze Lullaby.

My favorite composer is Opus.

A harp is a nude piano.

A tuba is much larger than its name.

My favorite instrument is the bassoon. It is so hard to play people
seldom play it. That is why I like the bassoon best.

It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and
shake him in rhythm.

The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the nose.

Anyone who can read
all the instrument notes at the same time gets to
be the
conductor.

The double bass is also called the bass viol, string bass, and bass
fiddle. It has so many names because it is so huge.

Aaron Copland is one of your most famous contemporary composers. It is
unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are
dead.

Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.

Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you better
not try to sing.

A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.

John Sebastian Bach died from 1750 to the present.

Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather
large.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote
loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was
calling him. I guess he could not hear so good. Beethoven expired in
1827 and
later died from this.

Henry Purcell is a well
known composer few people have ever heard of.

An opera is a song of bigly size.

In the last scene of Pagliacci, Canio stabs Nedda who is the one he
really loves. Pretty soon Silvio also gets stabbed, and they all live
happily ever after.

When a singer sings, he stirs up the air and makes it hit any passing
eardrums. But if he is good, he knows how to keep it from hurting.

Caruso was at first an Italian. Then someone heard his voice and said
he would go a long way. And so he came to America.

A good orchestra is always ready to play if the conductor steps on the
podium.

Morris dancing is a country survival from times when people were happy.

Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.

Instruments come in many sizes, shapes and orchestras.

You should always say celli when you mean there are two
or more cellos.

Another name for kettle
drums is timpani. But I think I will just
stick with the first name and learn it good.

A trumpet is an instrument when it is not an elephant sound•

While trombones have tubes, trumpets prefer to wear valves.

When electric currents go through them, guitars start making sounds.
So would anybody.

Question: What are kettle drums called? Answer: Kettle drums.

Cymbals are round, metal CLANGS!

A bassoon looks like nothing I have ever heard.

Last month I found out how a clarinet works by taking it apart. I both
found out and got in trouble.

Question: Is the saxophone a brass or a woodwind instrument? Answer:
Yes.

The concertmaster of an orchestra is always the person who sits in the
first chair of the first violins. This means that when a person is
elected concertmaster, he has to hurry up and learn how to play a
violin
real good.

For some reason, they
always put a treble clef in front of every line
of flute music. You just watch.

I can't reach the brakes on this piano!

The main trouble with a French horn is it's too tangled up.

Instrumentalist is a many-purposed word for many player-types.

The flute is a skinny-high shape-sounded instrument.

A contra-bassoon is like a bassoon, only more so.

Tubas are a bit too much.

Music instrument has a plural known as orchestra.

I would like for you to teach me to play the cello. Would tomorrow or
Friday be best?

Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to make a
pleasant sound once the animal is removed.