New Element Discovered to Be Included on the Periodic Table:

The Nuclear Physics Department of the University of Stellenbosch has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 - 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each re-organization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

THE UNDERTAKER'S BLACK EYE ...

Roy, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye.




"What happened to you?" asked his wife.



"I had a terrible day." replied Roy. "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection. Anyway, I went up and sure enough there was this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection. So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."




"I see" said his wife, "but how did you get the black eye?"




Roy replied: "Wrong room."

EBA negotiations at Al Qaeda breakdown...

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% next January from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organisation of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management is a kick in the teeth."

Mr Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce and not by management. "Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was awarded an annual bonus of 250,000 virgins," complains Amir. "And you can be sure they'll all be pretty ones too. How can Al Qaeda afford that for members of the management but not 72 for the people who do the real work?"

Speaking from the shed in the West Midlands where he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained,

"We sympathise with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day jihad, in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up." He defended management bonuses by claiming these were necessary to attract good fanatical clerics. "How am I supposed to attract the best people if I can't compete with the private sector?" asked Mr. Bin-Laden.

Talks broke down this morning after management's last-ditch proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright after a failure to agree on orifice allocation quotas. One virgin, who refused to be named, was quoted as saying "I'll be buggered if I'm agreeing to anything like that........it's too much of a mouthful to swallow".

Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide bombers will down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are supporting the strike. Only the North London branch, which has a different union, is likely to continue working. However, some members of that branch will only be using waist-down explosives in order to express solidarity with their striking brethren.

Spokes persons in the North East of England and the entire Australian continent stated that this would not affect their operations as "There are No Virgins in their areas anyway".

Breaking News...

WARNING!! If you receive an email attachment which sez 'Naked Photo Of Susan Boyle' DO NOT OPEN IT!! It contains a naked photo of Susan Boyle.

The missus is a stunner (she works down the abattoir) and I was absolutely flabbergasted when I was curtly informed this week that she wants to end our relationship. Why? Because she reckons that I love football more than I love her. It's really upset me. I've been with her for eleven seasons.

Man City manager Roberto Mancini has promised to bring in a new face during the January transfer window. My mole at Eastlands informs me that both Tevez and Lescott are fighting over who should have it!

Breaking News: Manchester United are trying to raise millions from new investors in a bid to swell dwindling coffers at the club. Police also wish to interview three men wearing grotesque face masks, who talk with an American accent and were last seen hanging around Old Trafford about five years ago.

I asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up.
She said she wanted to be Prime Minister some day. Both her parents, Labour supporters, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you would do?" She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people." Her parents beamed, and said, "Welcome to the Labour Party!" "Wow...what a worthy goal!" I sez. "But you don't have
to wait until you're Prime Minister to do that. You can come over to my
house, mow the lawn, was the car, sweep my drive and I'll pay you £25.
Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs
out. You can give him the £25 to use toward food." She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work and you can just pay him the £25?"
I smiled and said, "Welcome to the Conservative Party." Her parents still aren't speaking to me.

Two women travellers, obviously nervous about their flight, bought some
flight insurance at the terminal. However, they couldn't decide who to name
as beneficiaries. They ended up each naming the other and happily boarded the plane.



"Doctor, I have a pretty bad sore throat."

"Go in the next room and disrobe, please." replied the doctor.

"But doctor, it's just my throat!"

"Who's the doctor here? Please just go into the next room and disrobe."

So the man goes into the next room where he sees another man sitting down inhis shorts with a box on his lap. As the first man is getting undressed he
starts up a conversation, "Can you imagine that doctor? I've got a sore
throat and he tells me to undress!" The second man answers, "What are you complaining about? I only came in here to deliver a parcel."



I have a wonderful message to give you about growing old, but I’ve forgotten what it was.



Humour is like a rubber sword, it allows you to make a point, without drawing blood. Nurse, fetch the screens! Clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com or email me at: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!

Happy New Year!!!!

ATTAINABLE New Year Resolutions...

This year, I resolve to...

- Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.

- Stop exercising. Waste of time.

- Read less. Makes you think.

- Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff, like Hollyoaks?!?!.

- Procrastinate more. I'll Start tomorrow.

- Spend more time surfing on left-handed websites.

- Take a holiday to someplace important: like to see the largest barrel of beer in the world.

- Not jump off Beachy Head. just because someone else did.

- Stop having lunch at home: I should eat out more.

- Not have eight children ALL at once.

- Get into a whole NEW rut!

- Start being superstitious.

- Personal goal: bring back 70's disco.

- Not bet against the Manchester City.

- Buy a Reliant Robin Interceptor 3 x 3 and invest in a really loud stereo system.

- Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash (Oh!! and one of those fluffy dice).

- Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabicwords.

- Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or clothes line for a belt.

- Spend my Easter holiday in Cyberspace.

- Not eat cloned meat.

- Create loose ends.

- Get more boys toys.

- Get further in debt (on the scale of Zimbabwe).

- Not believe politicians.

- Not drive a steam roller across thin ice.

- Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.

- Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 10,000 feet.

- Stay off the International Space Station.

- Not swim with pirhanas or sharks.

- Associate with even more scurrillous theatrical agents.

- Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.

- Wait around for opportunity.

- Focus on the faults of others.

- Mope about my faults.

- Never make New Year's resolutions again.

Another New Year...

Begin the New Year on the right foot, and start 2010 correctly! Don’t forget to say those all-important, three little words to the missus. "I'm off out." See you in the fracture clinic at Tameside General.



Apparently, the most popular new years resolution, is to stop smoking. If you are unable to stop puffing on the obnoxious weed completely, then just cut down. Just smoke after meals. Try and get down to about sixty meals per day.



Don’t bore the missus by making up the same stoopid excuse for having to go down the pub. Think of some different excuses.



Stop worrying about life and don’t worry about the past. It will get you nowhere. It’s a one-way ticket to Polukaville. I’ve decided to start worrying about the future instead.



Global Warming. Do YOUR bit! Do less laundry and use more deodorant. Think of the ozone layer. Carbon footsteps can exacerbate an innocent polar bears premature demise. He could very well slip on the ice. Hey there, Mr. Polar Bear, listen up! Gerrit Gritted!



On the same subject, a primary school pupil was asked by the teacher to name six animals that specifically live in the Antarctic. He replied, “Two polar bears and four seals.” Incredible innit!



My next-door neighbour Barmy Albert sez to his wife (Non-Stick Nora – she has a face like a pirates flag!) “What would you do if I won the New Year Euro Millions Lottery?” She frostily opined, “I’d take half of it and leave you.” “Brilliant” he sez, “I won twelve quid, here’s six, now sod off!” Parting is such sweet sorrow innit!



Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper, Groceries are heavier, and, everything is much further away? Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was flabbergasted to discover how long our street had become!



Last year, I was at the airport, checking in at the checking-in thingy, when the girl behind the desk sez, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, then how would I know?' She smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.' What’s all that about then?

The pelican crossing on our High Street bleeps when it's on red and therefore safe to cross the road. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged, blonde friend of mine. She asked if I knew what the bleeper was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, “What on earth are blind people doing driving?”



“I need help with my hearing” the man says. The priest sticks his fingers in the man's ear and prays. “How's your hearing now?” he asks.” "I don't know” says the man “It's not till next Tuesday...”



I didn’t fail in 2009 – I merely found ten thousand jokes that weren’t funny! Make a difference in 2010 by reading this column regularly and furthering your comical position within the funny farm of life’s rich chortling tapestry. Fancy a New Year surf on the interweb? Then visit www.ComedianUK.com or a give me a ‘2010 Tweet’ on www.twitter.com/comedianuk