The Funeral....

                                         

Eavesdropping is a wonderful pastime. In my local pub, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife, I overheard Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora’s conversations become increasingly surreal. She sez to him the other day: “I keep seeing spots before my eyes.” Albert asked her if she’d seen a doctor. She replied: “No. Only spots....” Then yesterday, Albert asked her if she liked Tolstoy. She wholeheartedly agreed that she did. When Albert pressed her on which story was her favourite, she curtly informed him: “The one where Woody is kidnapped and Buzz desperately tries to save him!”

My mate Dave’s funeral was a disaster! The hearse and cortege turned up late. At first, it went to the wrong church. It then proceeded the long way round to the crematorium. The funeral director got everything all mixed up in the service. But Dave was a taxi driver and it’s what he would have wanted!

There was a spotty precocious youth sat on the back pew in the church at Dave’s funeral. He was talking into his iPhone, bemoaning the fact that 'funerals were boring' and 'there's no flamin’wifi in this church', when the priest approached him and proclaimed:" You are an ignorant imbecile, show some respect!" The scrote gazed at the priest and asked: "Is that all lower case, mate?"


My Sat-Nav has stopped speaking to me. It’s sent me to Coventry. They’ve brought a new Sat-Nav out now for octogenarians. When you get to where you’re going, it tells you what you what you went for! You can download different voices too. I downloaded Bonny Tyler. Now it keeps telling me to turn around and every now and then, it falls apart.

I was at the airport, checking in at the checking-in thingy, when the girl behind the desk sez, ‘Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?’ To which I replied, ‘If it was without my knowledge, then how would I know?’ She smiled knowingly and nodded, ‘That’s why we ask.’ What’s all that about then?

Thought for Thursday: Do you reckon that “expecting the unexpected” means that the unexpected is actually expected?

Another Thursday Thought: Words can't describe how beautiful you are but numbers can. 3/10

I stepped back in amazement and the fella behind me stepped back further because he was amazed at how far back I'd stepped, primarily because I was exasperated with the same old boring jokes that are still being circulated around the pub and at work? I’m sure you are. But no, not me. No sirree! I like the same old boring jokes and that's why I print them right here in this gloppy humour column every available chance I get. Accept me for what I am; completely unacceptable. Click on my joke blog: www.ComedianUK.com or better still email me: comedianuk@sky.com Oh, and If your phone didn’t ring yesterday, then it was me! See you in the autumn folks! Start the car!