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Sunday 14 May 2017

The Bid.....

Last Saturday night was described as ‘The 62nd Eurovision Song Contest’. Well, they’re absolute liars, because it went on for hours and hours and hours!

However, my Eurovision top six prediction was:
1st - Portugal
2nd - Italy
3rd - Bulgaria
4th - Arsenal
5th - Ukraine
6th - Man Utd

Does anyone know how to cancel an eBay bid? I bid three quid on a cowboy outfit and now I’m just two days away from owning the Labour Party. What manner of mugwumpery is this?


All the members of the company's board of directors were called into the chairman's office, one after another, until only Barmy Albert, the junior member, was left sitting outside. Finally it was his turn to be summoned. Albert entered the office to find the chairman and the other four directors seated at the far end of the boardroom table. Albert was instructed to stand at the other end of the table, which he dutifully did. The chairman looked Albert squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, he asked, "Have you ever conducted any hanky-panky with my secretary, Miss Faversham in the stationery cupboard?" "Oh no, sir, positively not!" Albert replied. "Are you absolutely 100% certain?" asked the chairman. "Honest, I've never been close enough to even touch her!" "You'd swear to that?" "Yes, I swear I've never engaged in a spot of slap and tickle with Miss Faversham, anytime, anywhere." insisted Albert.. "Good!” The chairman replied. “Then you fire her!"

A drunken bloke staggers into the church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but sez nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin', there's no paper on this side either!"


The missus (I call her ‘Viking’, because she has a face like a Norse!) and I were invited to a fancy dress party and we both went as bank robbers. We had a wonderful evening. Well I did. She was sat outside in the car, all night, with the engine running!


I asked my next door neighbour why he had number thirty nine painted on his wheelie bin when he actually lives at number three. "It's so the bin men will leave it near my house after they have emptied it," he replied.


I heard on the grapevine that Non-Stick Nora got a ladder in her tights on a recent trip to
B & Q. She truly is the most talented shoplifter ever!


When I answered the phone yesterday, all I could hear was sneezing and sniffling. It transpired to be one of those cold callers again. Folk who are taken in by these rogues are so stupid. They are the type of people that believe the earth is flat. Utter morons. There are hills on it and everything.


This humour column may exacerbate chronic halitosis, mental aberration, repetitive spasmodic squinting. Inflamed haemorrhoids could hang down lower than a beggars cap. It will enhance Joggers Nipple, Strapadichtomy, Tourettes and Varicose Brain Syndrome. For further jocular clarification, why not visit my website. Just clickety-click on You can also email me: Now, get back to work!


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