Thoughts For Thursday.....

My goal for 2015 was to lose just 10 pounds. Only 15 to go.

Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza.



How to prepare Tofu:

1. Chuck it in the bin.

2. Grill some Meat.



I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spiders web.



I don't mean to brag but …… I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours and 20 minutes.



A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.



Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.



Senility has been a smooth transition for me.



Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school?

Me neither.



I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented … I forgot where I was going with this.



I love being over 50. I learn something new every day ……. and forget 5 others.



A thief broke into my house last night …… He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.



My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like: I KNOW!, Right?



I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.



PS: Sunday, March 27th, 2016 begins Daylight Savings Time. Don't forget to set your bathroom scale back 10 pounds on Saturday night.

          

British Summertime Starts Here!

Just a quick reminder, folks: Don't forget that April Fool’s Day has been moved to 2nd April because of the leap year....
               

Shortly after I took off on an Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston a few weeks ago, air hostess nervously announced that the catering department made a terrible mistake. A big mix-up she said. Although 226 passengers on board they received only 80 dinners. She apologised, but said that anybody who is kind enough to give up their meal to somebody who is hungry would receive free unlimited drinks for the remainder of the flight. The next announcement came 2 hours later when she said, ' If anybody is hungry we still have 80 dinners available'.

Everyone was panicking on Easter Sunday, because they had to remember to put all clocks in the house forward one hour. I certainly didn’t lose any sleep over it. Moreover,  while we're all tucked up in bed on Saturday night, spare a thought for the poor National Trust staff who will be working tirelessly throughout the night to move the giant stones "forward" an hour at Stonehenge. They have to do this twice a year, you know? Last year the rope snapped on the Jeep.....




                         

I sez to the missus, “If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.” “Now why would you want me to do summat like that?” she asked. “Well, I reckon that you would eventually remarry and I don’t want some cretin using my stuff.” She looked at me and said, “What makes you think I’d marry another cretin?”

                               

As I was sauntering down Scropton Street yesterday evening, I called into The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife public house. It was very busy because it was ‘Grab-A-Granny night. I said to the barman, 'I came in here twenty years ago, with my late father.' He said, 'Sorry, mate, I'm serving as fast as I can!

                       

Non-Stick Nora is beginning to wonder if time really is a great healer. She sez that Barmy Albert fell down the stairs three day ago, and he still hasn't moved yet...



                                   

Doncha just love new technology? We’ve got one of those Smart Showers in the upstairs bathroom that lets you know when the missus is filling the kettle downstairs. Fascinating!



                       

We’ve had the builders in over the last few weeks and they are very untidy. Masses of rubble and other construction related detritus was blocking the front path. I sez to Dave, the builder, “I’d like to have a skip on the driveway.” He looked at me and replied, “Do whatever you want to.”



The bloke who lives next-door-but-one is an RAC patrol man. Every single day I see him going to work and he is always crying and looking so upset. To be honest I think he's heading towards a breakdown. I'm here all week, folks!

                               

I was in a very busy Supermarket the other day, and I said to this voluptuous young lady, 'I can't find my missus, can I talk to you for a few minutes?' She said, 'Of course you can, but how will that help find your wife?' I said, 'I'll bet you anything she'll appear out of nowhere'






                         

If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com My life is based on a true story.


                                     

The Real Robbers...

                  

During a robbery in Guangzhou, China, the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank: "Don't move. The money belongs to the State. Your life belongs to you."

Everyone in the bank laid down quietly. This is called "Mind Changing Concept” Changing the conventional way of thinking.


When a lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her: "Please be civilized! This is a robbery and not a rape!"

This is called "Being Professional” Focus only on what you are trained to do!

When the bank robbers returned home, the younger robber (MBA-trained) told the older robber (who has only completed Year 6 in primary school): "Big brother, let's count how much we got."

The older robber rebutted and said: "You are very stupid. There is so much money it will take us a long time to count. Tonight, the TV news will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!"

This is called "Experience.” Nowadays, experience is more important than paper qualifications!

After the robbers had left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly. But the supervisor said to him: "Wait! Let us take out $10 million from the bank for ourselves and add it to the $70 million that we have previously embezzled from the bank”.

This is called "Swim with the tide.” Converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage!

The supervisor says: "It will be good if there is a robbery every month."

This is called "Killing Boredom.” Personal Happiness is more important than your job.

The next day, the TV news reported that $100 million was taken from the bank. The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count $20 million. The robbers were very angry and complained: "We risked our lives and only took $20 million. The bank manager took $80 million with a snap of his fingers. It looks like it is better to be educated than to be a thief!"

This is called "Knowledge is worth as much as gold!"

The bank manager was smiling and happy because his losses in the share market are now covered by this robbery.

This is called "Seizing the opportunity.” Daring to take risks!

So who are the real robbers here?

                     

The Disabled Space....

   

"Oi! Yer can't park there mate, that's a disabled space," screamed the security bloke on Tesco car park. I remonstrated thus; "I'm only going to use the cash line. There's 11 empty spaces - it's not as if 11 disabled folk are all gonna turn up all at once, is it?” At which point, to make me look an utter moron, the Aston Villa F.C team bus pulled up....


                                 

        This is an advert for Ten Pin Bowling..

Went in a corner shop in Liverpool and picked up a chocolate bar. I asked: "How much is this, love?" She sez, "You're not from round here are you?"

                           

The missus sez she's getting me a Sat-Nav for my birthday to go with her other surprise. She's asking me to move out....

                                   

Riddle me this: What would it mean if you broke a mirror, whilst simultaneously walking underneath a ladder, with a horseshoe that was attached to a rabbit’s foot in your pocket? Answers on a postcard please. Matron will choose a winner.

                                         

Three fascinating facts that you never knew that you knew:

1) Fred Astaire's brother Stan invented the stair lift.

2) It's not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas, the other will see you later.

3) You can't judge a book by its cover, but you can with a tribute act...

                                       

KITCHENWARE COMPANY BOSS: So, did you come up with a name for that revolving food tray, Susan?

SUSAN: Nah. Couldn't be arsed, mate.
                         

Last Thursday was St Paddy's Day! Pat sez to Mick, "Where didya get that six-leaf clover?" Mick replies, "Our Seamus has thousands of 'em growing up in his loft!"


                                               

I have principles, me, I do. For instance, I don’t believe in labelling people or putting them in boxes. This is the primary reason why I lost my job at the local funeral directors. This occurred at the same time that the missus lost her job because she had rheumatism in the shoulder and consequently, she couldn’t throw the harpoon anymore.

                                 

Last year, whilst travelling around America, I went shopping in Wal-Mart. I asked the assistant if they had any Kinder Eggs. "Definitely not, sir, we don't sell them in the States - they are considered a major health hazard!" "That's okay," I replied. "I'll just take these two AK- 47 assault rifles then."

                           

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they cost a mighty £70! No way, I thought, I can get one much cheaper off the web.

                                 

I was making every endeavour to attempt to eschew obfuscation via the utilisation of sesquipedalian terminology, however, it has since emerged that I am a perpetrator of terminological inexactitudes and this will merely compound an already unfortunate farrago. So visit my all new Jokey-Bloggington and continue the quest! Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com Now, assume a comical position and strike the pose!
                               

Nowt so odd as folk....

                 

I asked the missus to describe me in five words. She sez I'm moral, I'm mature, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect. Then she also added that I possess a fundamental lack of understanding with regard to apostrophes and spaces. Fascinating innit!

                        

Just read an article in the newspaper about the first three minutes when you are born. They reckon that this is the most dangerous time in anyone's life. The last three minutes can't be all that clever either....

                                        

A blonde school teacher notices a little fat boy in the field standing all alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him. ‘Are you okay?’ she says. ‘Yes.’ he says. ‘You can go and play with the other kids you know’ she says. ‘It’s best I stay here.’ he says. ‘Why?’ says asks blonde. The boy says: "Because I’m the flamin’ goalkeeper!"

                          

It's terrible with the missus. "Do I look alright? Do I look big in this? Does this colour suit me? Why won't she answer me? What gets me is that if the woman is always right and the man is always wrong, then if a man tells a woman that she’s right, is the man right or wrong? I think we should be told.


                                                         

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Australian, an American, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serbian, a Czech, and a Swiss bloke went into a pub. The landlord says "Sorry, I can't let any of you in without a Thai"

                      

Upon deciding to go to a really trendy nightclub in Manchester last weekend, the doorman gazed at me and declared, "Sorry mate, but I think you've had a few too many." "Drinks?” I asked. He replied, "No, I meant birthdays...." Oh dear. Hat and coat time already!
                    

Kids do say the funniest things. In primary school the teacher asked the class to make a sentence using the word 'avocado'. Little Tommy stood up and pronounced, “My dad taught me to drive, but I don't avocado.”


                           

Regular exercise can add valuable minutes to your life. This would enable you at 85 years old to spend an additional five months in a nursing home at £1,000 per month. I made a start this fine morning. I power-walked past the gym!

                            

I've literally turned my life around. I used to be very argumentative and quite conceited. Now I'm very conceited and quite argumentative...



                             

If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com


                                

Strange Names....

I invited a mate back home for dinner. The missus screamed, "I've not done my hair, not done my make-up, I ain’t done any housework, not done the dishes and I can't be bothered with cooking! What the Hell did you bring him back here for?" I sez, "Because he's thinking of getting married."



                 

I went into Wetherspoons: I sez “Do you do cash back?” The barman replied, “Yes, we do.”

I sez, “Well give us the £50 I spent in here yesterday, because the missus is going flamin’ mental!”



Many moons ago, I once met this girl and took her home to meet my parents. My dad whispered to me, "Where the hell did you find her? She's cross eyed, bald, bow legged and she's got no teeth." I said, "There's no need to whisper Dad, she's deaf as well!"


                             

                                       

After an enjoyable day sight-seeing in London, Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora settled down on the train from Euston, their destination being Manchester, when the bloke sitting opposite him hauled out his Apple iPhone 6S and started up:- "Hi darling it's Peter, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the 6.30 not the 4.30 but I had a long meeting - no, not with that floozie from the typing pool, with the boss - no darling you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc., etc. This banal exchange was still going on at Stoke-on-Trent, when Non-Stick Nora, at the end of her tether and driven beyond endurance, yelled at the top of her voice, “Hey, Peter, turn that flamin’ phone off and come back to bed!”


                       

I was waylaid on the High Street today by one of those wretched market researchers. She asked if I had time to answer ten quick questions. I was in a benevolent mood, so I agreed. She asked me: "Okay, question number one, do you ever suffer from sudden blackouts?" I replied "Nope". Then she sez, "And finally question ten......"
                     


I did a gig at an old folk’s home. They were a tough crowd. They wouldn’t even answer my "Knock, Knock" jokes until I showed them some I.D.


   

My neighbour's husband has snuffed it. I took her down to the local newspaper office for her to put a notice in the obituaries section. She is short of money and just wanted to keep it brief, 'Fred is dead.' However, it turns out you can have six words for a fiver. Bargain! She put, 'Fred is dead. Volvo for sale.'


                 

Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius irritated or cleverness wriggling. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, assume a comical position, and then strike the pose!