The blunt end of a Rag & Bone man's bugle....

 

                                      

I’ve decided to have a damp January 2022, primarily because I can’t fully commit to a dry one! I've ordered a case of Sauvignon Blanc...



Even this long after Christmastide, the missus is still not talking to me. But honestly, how was I supposed to know she didn't mean gift vouchers for the Spar?



Non Stick Nora’s grandchild is three years old and yesterday she took her shopping. When she got home, the kid had a chocolate bar in her pocket. Now, Nora didn't buy it and the kid certainly didn't buy it, so Nora frogmarched her straight back to the shopping centre and let her loose in the jewellers…



Last night, I was practicing my trumpet and yodelling a rendition of: “My Old Kentucky Home” when the missus suddenly waltzed in and declared: ‘Oh, I thought it was on the television.” A tad flattered, I sez: “Did you come in to listen?” “No”, she curtly informed me, “I was going to switch it off!” The bloke over the road came across and told me that the song had indeed brought a tear to his eye. I asked him: “Are you an old Kentuckian?” He replied: “No. I’m a musician!” The following night all the other neighbours broke my windows, so they could hear me better. Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!

                                            

A classified advert in this very newspaper last week: For Sale: One George Foreman Grill and Griddle and one Muhammad Ali DVD. Both boxed! You couldn’t make it up! Could you?



Teenager Willy Eckerslyke had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son, “You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your flamin’ haircut. Then we'll talk about the car." The boy thought about that for a moment, decided, he’d settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, "So you’ve brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm annoyed that you haven't had your hair cut." The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.” His dad replied: "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

                             

British Telecom rang me yesterday and curtly informed yours truly that if I didn’t pay the bill within the next seven days, they were going to disconnect the phone. I sez to ‘em, “Your bill is in a queue!”





Moreover, on the plus side of my domestic outgoings, British Gas let me know that I have the best gas and electricity bills on my street. It’s true! They have said that both are outstanding!  What a great start to 2022!

 

                       

Life is akin to a party. You invite loads of people, some leave really early, whereas many stay all night long, some laugh with you, some laugh at you, and some show up very late. But in the end, after the fun, there are a few who stay to help you clean up the shambles. Generally, they aren’t even the ones who created all the turmoil. These people are not just your true friends in life. They are the only ones that matter. I am your friend and you can visit my website 24/7. Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com. You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!

                       

                        

Happy New Year 2022!

                                       

I became very stressed on New Year’s Eve. I suffer from Auld Langxiety. I’m also dyslexic and allergic to mahogany.

What a flippin’ fiasco! The English Cricket Team has now officially beaten the Wuhan Street Markets in China as the worst use of a bat in history. Howzat?

                                            

What a fine start to the New Year! The missus curtly informed me that she was leaving me yesterday, because she couldn't handle my chronic OCD affliction any more. I said "Close the door fifteen times on your way out!" She bought me an ADHD 54” Plasma TV for Christmas, but I can’t watch it for very long. Roll on Easter, when there’ll be lots of pancakes under the bonfire!



BBC Breakfast Breaking News Bulletin: The South Korean pole-vaulting champion has just become the North Korean pole-vaulting champion…



What with all the different rules for England, Scotland, Wales and Ireland, it’s akin to having a weeing section in a public swimming pool, with lanes one, two and three closed!


                                             

Fascinating Fact: On their first night of marriage, when Zsa Zsa Gabor's 8th husband Frederick got up at 4 am for a wee, he woke her up and sez "will you mind my place."



I asked Barmy Albert why he had number ninety-two stencilled on his wheelie bin when he actually lives at number twenty-eight, He sez, "It's so the binmen will leave it near my house after they have emptied it."



Non Stick Nora and Barmy Albert were at the art gallery up Scropton St, Albert was gazing for inspiration and encountered a rather Rubenesque portrait of a naked woman, her modesty being covered by leaves. Nora continued on and left Albert staring at the magnificent portrait. He was transfixed. Nora shouted, "Albert! What are you waiting for?" Barmy Albert replied, "autumn...."


                                               

I was shopping with the wife at the local Tesco supermarket and suddenly couldn't find her,”I've lost the wife!" I muttered slightly louder than was really necessary. Then I heard a man's voice from the next aisle, "Some guys have all the luck!"



Don’t worry about what you eat between Christmas and New Year. Worry about what you eat between New Year and Christmas. I have an overactive knife and fork!



Get ready for 2022! Get out of your old rut. Start a new rut. Spread malicious rumours on a daily basis. Stop returning things you borrow. Quit your job to pursue your lifelong dream of becoming a window cleaner. Celebrate Christmas every single day by leaving the decorations and the tree up until next year!



                                         

In 2022, remember, those who matter most to you, those who never did and those who won't anymore. Moreover, the important ones, who always will. Never worry about the people from your past, because there’s good reason why they never made it to your future. Visit my website: www.Comedian.ws and continue the quest! You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work! HAPPY NEW YEAR to all my readers!! 

                                                           

                                               Austin ~ Stan Collymore ~ John Stiles.

Happy Chrismask & a Lockdown New Year!

                                          

Get ready for 2022! Get out of your old rut. Start a new rut. Spread malicious rumours on a daily basis. Stop returning things you borrow. Quit your job to pursue your lifelong dream of becoming a window cleaner. Celebrate Christmas every single day by leaving the decorations and the tree up until next year!



What a flippin’ fiasco! The English Cricket Team have now officially beaten the Wuhan Street Markets in China as the worst use of a bat in history. Howzat?



What a fine start to the New Year! The missus curtly informed me that she was leaving me yesterday, because she couldn't handle my chronic OCD affliction any more. I said "Close the door fifteen times on your way out!" She bought me an ADHD 54” Plasma TV for Christmas, but I can’t watch it for very long. Roll on Easter, when there’ll be lots of pancakes under the bonfire!

                                      

What with all the different rules for England, Scotland, Wales and Ireland, it’s akin to having a weeing section in a public swimming pool, with lanes one and two closed!



Fascinating Fact: On their first night of marriage, when Zsa Zsa Gabor's 8th husband Frederick got up at 4 am for a wee, he woke her up and sez "will you mind my place."



I asked Barmy Albert why he had number ninety-two stencilled on his wheelie bin when he actually lives at number twenty-eight, He sez, "It's so the binmen will leave it near my house after they have emptied it."



Non Stick Nora and Barmy Albert were at the art gallery up Scropton St, Albert was gazing for inspiration and encountered a rather Rubenesque portrait of a naked woman, her modesty being covered by leaves. Nora continued on and left Albert staring at the magnificent portrait. He was transfixed. Nora shouted, "Albert! What are you waiting for?" Barmy Albert replied, "Autumn...."


                                      

I was shopping with the wife at the local Tesco supermarket and suddenly couldn't find her, "I've lost the wife!" I muttered slightly louder than was really necessary. Then I heard a man's voice from the next aisle, "Some guys have all the luck!"



Don’t worry about what you eat between Christmas and New Year. Worry about what you eat between New Year and Christmas. I have an overactive knife and fork!

In 2022, remember, those who matter most to you, those who never did and those who won't anymore. Moreover, the important ones, who always will. Never worry about the people from your past, because there’s good reason why they never made it to your future. Visit my website: www.Comedian.ws and continue the quest! You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work! HAPPY NEW YEAR to all my readers.

 

                                    

The Christmas Presence.....

 

                                              

At the school Nativity, all the kids were singing “We Three Kings of Variant are.” And the Three Kings brought gifts of Gold, Frankincense and Omnicrom. The reindeers were renamed Pfizer and Booster.

 

Ladies! Listen up! Please refrain from asking Santa for the perfect man. There have been six kidnap attempts on me yesterday alone!



In January 2022, we will enter Tier 12. You must not consume sherry trifle; however you are permitted to scoff a packet of Victory V lozenges. You cannot speak to anyone with any common sense, especially if they have the letters P or H in their name. If you have a hamster named Eric, then you can take it for a walk in between 10-30 am and 12 noon only. We will beat this, but need to stick together and follow the science. 2021. Where did that year go? Probably nowhere, like me!


                                                           

   
The French increase UK restrictions on entry from last week. However, you can still leave freely on a dingy to the UK though. So illegal immigration won’t be affected by Omnicrom.



I asked the missus what she’d like for Christmas and she sez: “Channel No 5”, so I’ve retuned the Freeview box. She also told me that I could get her anything from The Body Shop, so I’ve got her a front nearside wing for a Ford Focus. No doubt when she opens it on Christmas morning, it’ll be the wrong colour...



Cabinet Secretary Simon Case has been removed from the inquiry into gatherings in Government departments. Two Christmas parties were held in Mr Case’s own department – the Cabinet Office – in December 2020, this was at a time when restrictions were in place and the public faced challenging measures to prevent social mixing. Why doesn’t Boris get someone like me who is in the entertainment industry to investigate your party, because it’s looking like we are the only ones who didn’t have a party of any description whatsoever! The clue is in the name. Conservative PARTY! North Shropshire has spoken! Taxi for Boris!



Non Stick Nora asked Barmy Albert: "What did you buy me for Christmas?" "Well," Albert chuckled. "You see that pink Mercedes convertible sports car over there?” "Yes," she said cheerily. "Well I've bought you a hairbrush the exact same colour."



Wow! It's been one year today since I decided I would lose four stone in weight, for a number of reasons the year has been difficult, lots of different Covid variants, lack of work, family problems, but I've never lost my resolve and with that mindset, I shall move forward and I only have five more stone to lose. It’s terrible when you get in the bath and the water in the toilet rises!

                                                 

I’ve committed yet another faux pas! Apparently, RSVP-ing to a wedding invite with "Maybe next time" wasn't the best response. Who’d a thowt it!



Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle is known as The Binfluencer up Scropton Street, because she’s the one who puts her wheelie bin out first on collection day and the rest of the neighbours follow suit, safe in the knowledge that it’s the correct colour bin!