Sat Nav....

                       

I have a little Sat Nav
I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones
My Sat Nav is my wife
It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's sixty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing sixty five"
It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake
It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene
It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice.
It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And - lets me have a shed.
Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while
I could turn the damned thing off!!..

The Road Traffic Accident...

                                 

A truck loaded with a million hardback copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday on the M67 motorway, scattering it’s entire load onto the carriageway. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralysed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed. Incidentally, I used to be very poor. However, after the missus bought me a Thesaurus, I’m now impecunious. Isn’t life reet gradely, when you’re doo-lally!

                                             

Non-Stick Nora was watching BBC News with Barmy Albert, when the newscaster announced "Two Brazilian men have sadly died in a skydiving accident." Nora started sobbing. "That's horrendous. So many men dying that way!" Confused, Albert sez: "Yes dear, it is unfortunate, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved." After a few minutes, Nora, still blubbing, replies: "How many is a brazillion?"


If pronouncing my 'B's as 'V's makes me sound Russian. Then Soviet. There was a Russian bloke up in court for stealing a litre of dandlelion and burdock from the corner shop. His name was Knockedabottleofpopov.

                                                           

I’ll never forget what my grandma sez to me on her death bed. She sez: “I wish I’d have bought a normal bed.”

Q) Why did the decrepit, forgetful, tearful and thoroughly exhausted 73 year old cross the road? (A) Because he's still two years away from retirement.
                                     

These days, whenever I go swimming I can feel people dressing me with their eyes. When I was ten years old, I remember when I was sent home from the swimming baths for wee-weeing in the water. My mum remonstrated with the instructor and informed him: “They ALL do it!” With all the dignity he could muster, he replied: “Not off the top of the diving board, they don’t!”

                               

The missus is really upset. Some scallywag has nicked her new artificial grass from the front of the house. She’s been looking forlorn all weekend. Then, to compound an already unfortunate farrago, we had a terrible argument. She complained that I’ve been spending far too much time on Facebook and it’s causing massive problems with the way we communicate as a family. After much consideration, I’ve blocked her!

It’s a shame nothing is built in the United Kingdom anymore. I just bought a new radio and it says on the box, ‘Built in antenna.’ I don’t even know where that is!





                                                           

Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Avoid lollygaggers, wastrels, scallywags and knaves. Learn to chop wood into nice little squares. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, then let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it. So, now you know! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!

                                     

Vote for ME!!

                                               

I’ve started a petition! I need your signature. I’m going to hopefully become your temporary Prime Minister, until the revolution. I’ve decided to have a go at this because I have no idea what to do, but I get the feeling that nobody else does either, so I might be very good at it, but then again... Anyway, don’t forget to vote for me!

                                                                 

When I was little kid we were so poor that my sister was made in Taiwan. Sometimes we only had bits of old rope to eat. I would often skip breakfast, lunch, dinner and tea. We used to think that knives and forks were jewellery.
                                                     

Most of the kids in our class backed their school exercise books with wallpaper. My dad used to Artex mine. My dad took me to school every single day. He had to. He was in the same class.


                                 

"If women ruled the world" the missus curtly informed me, "There'd be no wars." I replied: "That's because wars require strategy and logic... “That’s when the fight started....


                                   

Fascinating Fact: I'm very good in the bedroom department. 20 years I worked for IKEA.



Non-Stick Nora and Barmy Albert were out strolling around the reservoirs, when suddenly Nora exclaimed: "Didya just see that?" "Nope," Albert replies. "Well, a kestrel just flew overhead." "Oh," responded Albert. A couple of minutes later, Nora sez: "Did you see that?"   "See what?" "Are you flamin' blind? There was a big, black armadillo scuttering up that hill, over there." "Dint see it" A few minutes later Nora shouted, "Did you see that?" By now, Albert getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I did!" And Nora replied: "Then why did you step in it?"

                                                 

Incidentally, Barmy Albert’s fruit and veg shop has just gone into liquidation. He now makes smoothies...



Yesterday was awful. I phoned the suppository helpline. They were so rude!

                                                         

I was doing a gig at Fisons Fertilisers Football Club at Fiddlers Ferry, last weekend, with Terry Tinsel, who is a ventriloquist friend of mine. Terry was telling this joke about blonde girls liking BMW cars, because that’s the only car they can spell, when suddenly, a blonde girl in the audience stood up and started screaming and shouting that he was belittling and stereotyping blonde women. Terry, the ventriloquist then unreservedly apologised for upsetting the lady and she replied: “I’m not talking to you. I’m talking to that little cretin on your knee!” Isn’t life a hoot, when you’re doo-lally!




                                                       

I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing, retraced my footprints, got waylaid on my return journey and now I haven’t got the foggiest idea of what’s going on. We need another referendum to find out. Boris! Get it sorted, matey! You can find out all sorts of comedic paraphernalia by visiting my website. Clickety-click on: www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me: comedianuk@sky.com

                                                 

Ricky 'The Hitman' Hatton by Steven P.Taylor.....

Ventriloquism for Dummies...

                                                        

For the cruise ship audiences, I've just made a ventriloquist dummy out of old pieces of carpet. It’s ruggish. I’m gonna call him Walter Wall.



The doctor told me today that I’m colour blind. It came right out of the purple.

                                                        

Coffee magnate VG Siiddhartha actually died last week. It just took a while for the news to filter through. Apparently his death was instant. He is to be buried in his cap and chinos.



England have unleashed their secret weapon in the Ashes test series. Dianne Abbott is doing the scoring.


                                       

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac. George Carlin.



Barmy Albert went for his interview for Services Manager at Scropton Street Abattoir. "Now this is the verbal part of your employment test," said the gaffer. "Can you tell me what gross aggrandized annuity means?" "Certainly," replied Albert. "It means I don't get the job."



The missus gazed at me, with a saturnine grimace and proclaimed: "The trouble with you is that whenever anything goes wrong, you always blame it on someone else." Quick as a flash, I replied: "And whose fault is that?"

                                                

Fascinating Fact: Texting is an effective way to miscommunicate how you feel and misinterpret what other people mean.



Thought for Thursday: People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw orgies...



The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase. "What happened ?" she asks anxiously "What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home and guess what I found ? Yes, your daughter, my Jean, with some naked bloke in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!" "Calm down, calm down!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened." Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. " I told you there must be a simple explanation ..... she didn't receive your email!" So, that’s alright then!


                                              

If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com

                                      

Il n'y a pas de punchline...

                                                   

Best Facebook status of last week was about our new prime minister, Boris Johnson, who as you probably know was educated at Oxford and Eton and excelled in English and Classics. However, on Facebook, Sharon, an overweight, unemployed chav from Toxteth, is of the profound opinion that: “Boris Jonsen is an moran. Cant beleev heez are prime minster”. (sic)



I attended an adventure course last week. Have you tried blindfolded archery? Honestly, you really don't know what you're missing!
                                                                         

I made the big mistake of walking into B & Q today wearing an orange T-shirt. To cut a long story short, it now looks as if I'm covering Derek’s shift on Sunday.



I'm not saying people in my area have appalling teeth, but one woman just smiled in Tesco and the barcode scanner picked it up as a set of saucepans.
                               

To all the folks in Tesco who leave their trolleys at the check-out while dashing to get summat they forgot: It's me who put the condoms and the Preparation H in there...



Horrible weather here last week. Tempestuous rain and fifty mile an hour gales. The missus has done nowt but gaze through the front window. After four hours, I felt quite guilty and decided to let her in...
                                             

I took part in an arthritic charity run. I got first place, even though I was up against some very stiff competition. I’ve always thought that it’s better to do a half marathon, rather than giving up halfway through a marathon.



Thought for Thursday: "It matters not a jot or scintilla whether you win or lose. What really matters is whether I win or lose." Boris Johnson.


Top Tip: Easily convert your settee into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wedding anniversary....

                                           

Q) How do you get Donald Trump to change a lightbulb?
A) Tell him Barack Obama installed it



There are two words in life that will open lots of doors for people. Push and pull.

Non-Stick Nora was asked to provide a reference for Barmy Albert by a company that was considering hiring him. On the firm's form was the question: "Was this person a steady worker?" Since Albert's reputation had always preceded him, Nora just wrote, "Not just steady, but motionless."
Statistics prove that one in every three women is just as difficult and argumentative as the other two...


Are you exasperated with the same old boring jokes that are still being circulated around the pub and at work? Sure you are, but no, not me. No sirree. I like the same old boring jokes and that's why I print them right here in this gloppy humour column every available chance I get. Accept me for what I am; completely unacceptable.Click on my jokeblog: www.comedianuk.com or better still email me: comedianuk@sky.com Oh, and If your phone didn’t ring today, then it was me! Now, get back to work!

                                                         

                   

The Dog That Looked Like Richard Gere!

Apparently, if Gareth Bale moves to China, he’ll be earning a million quid per week! If perchance, I was on a million quid per week, I’d only do the one week. I might even just do two or three days. All these wealthy billionaire soccer players, generally possess no concern whatsoever for their fellow man. They nonchalantly go sailing in tropical climates on their luxury superyachts, with voluptuous, nubile female crew attending their every need. I want to be like that....

When Boris went to see the Queen last week, she looked at him in utter bewilderment and proclaimed: “I thought you’d gone back to America!” Boris then sauntered to 10 Downing St and appointed William Rees-Mogg as Minister of Workhouses. Apparently, the DUP are now demanding border cheques. All MP’s then went on a five week holiday, because there’s absolutely nowt to do! Who'd a thowt it!

I’ve just found out who's been stealing my beetroot. It was Barmy Albert. I caught him red handed!

                                                   

My little dog Alfie winks at me when I come home late at night from a gig. I always wink back at him, just in case it’s some kind of code. He’s a really clever canine. Whenever he has a wee, he puts both his front paws up on the wall and does it stood up, just like a human being. This woman asked me the other day, how long he’d been doing it like that. I replied:”Ever since a wall fell on him...”

Top Tip: If ever you’re getting really annoyed with somebody, then put your brain into gear, before opening your mouth. For instance, if the person is younger than you, then count to ten, before you talk and be reasonable. If perchance, the person is the same age as you, then count to twenty, before venting your spleen. Then again, if the person is much older than you, then count to fifty before you react. If the person is your missus, then keep counting, DON’T TALK!

                                           
                                               

It was roasting hot last Thursday! Phew, what a scorcher. It was 38 degrees and rising! I was complimenting the young lady who lives at the end of my road on the lovely thong that she was wearing. However, she couldn’t hear me through my night-vision binoculars.


Do you have good neighbours? I most certainly don’t. Royal Mail called last week and sez: “I’ve got a parcel for next door.” I replied: “You’ve got the wrong house then, mate!” The bloke over the road is a proper psychopath. He was banging on my front door at 3 am last Wednesday morning. Luckily, I was still up playing my bagpipes.


I cleared out my grandmother’s house over the weekend. I put the good stuff on eBay and I took the rest down to the charity shop, I then went to the estate agent and put her house on the market, I can’t wait to see her face when she gets back from bingo.

                                 

Thursday Quote: “Doubt thou the stars are fire, Doubt that the sun doth move, Doubt truth to be a liar, but never doubt I love." William Shakespeare.


If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com