The Road Traffic Accident...

                                 

A truck loaded with a million hardback copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday on the M67 motorway, scattering it’s entire load onto the carriageway. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralysed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed. Incidentally, I used to be very poor. However, after the missus bought me a Thesaurus, I’m now impecunious. Isn’t life reet gradely, when you’re doo-lally!

                                             

Non-Stick Nora was watching BBC News with Barmy Albert, when the newscaster announced "Two Brazilian men have sadly died in a skydiving accident." Nora started sobbing. "That's horrendous. So many men dying that way!" Confused, Albert sez: "Yes dear, it is unfortunate, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved." After a few minutes, Nora, still blubbing, replies: "How many is a brazillion?"


If pronouncing my 'B's as 'V's makes me sound Russian. Then Soviet. There was a Russian bloke up in court for stealing a litre of dandlelion and burdock from the corner shop. His name was Knockedabottleofpopov.

                                                           

I’ll never forget what my grandma sez to me on her death bed. She sez: “I wish I’d have bought a normal bed.”

Q) Why did the decrepit, forgetful, tearful and thoroughly exhausted 73 year old cross the road? (A) Because he's still two years away from retirement.
                                     

These days, whenever I go swimming I can feel people dressing me with their eyes. When I was ten years old, I remember when I was sent home from the swimming baths for wee-weeing in the water. My mum remonstrated with the instructor and informed him: “They ALL do it!” With all the dignity he could muster, he replied: “Not off the top of the diving board, they don’t!”

                               

The missus is really upset. Some scallywag has nicked her new artificial grass from the front of the house. She’s been looking forlorn all weekend. Then, to compound an already unfortunate farrago, we had a terrible argument. She complained that I’ve been spending far too much time on Facebook and it’s causing massive problems with the way we communicate as a family. After much consideration, I’ve blocked her!

It’s a shame nothing is built in the United Kingdom anymore. I just bought a new radio and it says on the box, ‘Built in antenna.’ I don’t even know where that is!





                                                           

Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Avoid lollygaggers, wastrels, scallywags and knaves. Learn to chop wood into nice little squares. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, then let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it. So, now you know! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!