For the cruise ship audiences, I've just made a ventriloquist dummy out of old pieces of carpet. It’s ruggish. I’m gonna call him Walter Wall.
The doctor told me today that I’m colour blind. It came right out of the purple.
Coffee magnate VG Siiddhartha actually died last week. It just took a while for the news to filter through. Apparently his death was instant. He is to be buried in his cap and chinos.
England have unleashed their secret weapon in the Ashes test series. Dianne Abbott is doing the scoring.
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac. George Carlin.
Barmy Albert went for his interview for Services Manager at Scropton Street Abattoir. "Now this is the verbal part of your employment test," said the gaffer. "Can you tell me what gross aggrandized annuity means?" "Certainly," replied Albert. "It means I don't get the job."
The missus gazed at me, with a saturnine grimace and proclaimed: "The trouble with you is that whenever anything goes wrong, you always blame it on someone else." Quick as a flash, I replied: "And whose fault is that?"
Fascinating Fact: Texting is an effective way to miscommunicate how you feel and misinterpret what other people mean.
Thought for Thursday: People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw orgies...
The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase. "What happened ?" she asks anxiously "What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home and guess what I found ? Yes, your daughter, my Jean, with some naked bloke in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!" "Calm down, calm down!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened." Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. " I told you there must be a simple explanation ..... she didn't receive your email!" So, that’s alright then!
If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com
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