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Sunday 28 July 2019

The Dog That Looked Like Richard Gere!

Apparently, if Gareth Bale moves to China, he’ll be earning a million quid per week! If perchance, I was on a million quid per week, I’d only do the one week. I might even just do two or three days. All these wealthy billionaire soccer players, generally possess no concern whatsoever for their fellow man. They nonchalantly go sailing in tropical climates on their luxury superyachts, with voluptuous, nubile female crew attending their every need. I want to be like that....

When Boris went to see the Queen last week, she looked at him in utter bewilderment and proclaimed: “I thought you’d gone back to America!” Boris then sauntered to 10 Downing St and appointed William Rees-Mogg as Minister of Workhouses. Apparently, the DUP are now demanding border cheques. All MP’s then went on a five week holiday, because there’s absolutely nowt to do! Who'd a thowt it!

I’ve just found out who's been stealing my beetroot. It was Barmy Albert. I caught him red handed!


My little dog Alfie winks at me when I come home late at night from a gig. I always wink back at him, just in case it’s some kind of code. He’s a really clever canine. Whenever he has a wee, he puts both his front paws up on the wall and does it stood up, just like a human being. This woman asked me the other day, how long he’d been doing it like that. I replied:”Ever since a wall fell on him...”

Top Tip: If ever you’re getting really annoyed with somebody, then put your brain into gear, before opening your mouth. For instance, if the person is younger than you, then count to ten, before you talk and be reasonable. If perchance, the person is the same age as you, then count to twenty, before venting your spleen. Then again, if the person is much older than you, then count to fifty before you react. If the person is your missus, then keep counting, DON’T TALK!


It was roasting hot last Thursday! Phew, what a scorcher. It was 38 degrees and rising! I was complimenting the young lady who lives at the end of my road on the lovely thong that she was wearing. However, she couldn’t hear me through my night-vision binoculars.

Do you have good neighbours? I most certainly don’t. Royal Mail called last week and sez: “I’ve got a parcel for next door.” I replied: “You’ve got the wrong house then, mate!” The bloke over the road is a proper psychopath. He was banging on my front door at 3 am last Wednesday morning. Luckily, I was still up playing my bagpipes.

I cleared out my grandmother’s house over the weekend. I put the good stuff on eBay and I took the rest down to the charity shop, I then went to the estate agent and put her house on the market, I can’t wait to see her face when she gets back from bingo.


Thursday Quote: “Doubt thou the stars are fire, Doubt that the sun doth move, Doubt truth to be a liar, but never doubt I love." William Shakespeare.

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