The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination

These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)

 

Q. Name the four seasons
A.. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

 

Q. How is dew formed
A.. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

 

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A.. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

 

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A.. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

 

Q. What are steroids
 A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now, there is little hope)

 

Q... What happens to your body as you age
A.. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

 

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A.. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

 

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A.. Premature death

 

Q. What is artificial insemination
A... When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

 

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A.. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)


Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)
A.. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity.  The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U (?) 

 

Q. What is the fibula?
A.. A small lie

 

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A.. Nearby

 

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A.. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)


Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A.. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

 

Q. What is a seizure?
A.. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

 

Q. What is a terminal illness
 A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)


Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A.. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)


Q. What is a turbine?
A.. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head. Once a Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his nappy and wraps it around his head. (now we’re getting somewhere)

 

 

                                       

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk ....

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk ..

a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation


Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk . .

a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate

Things that are COMPLETELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk ...

a) Thanks for the offer, but I don't want to come back to your place.
b) Nope, no more beer for me, I've had enough.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination.
I) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
k) Look, it would be great to sleep with you but I hardly know you.
l) That guy is looking at my wife but I am sure its just because he knows her or something. I'm not going to worry about it.
m) That chair looks wobbly and dangerous and I certainly wouldn't try balancing on it with this short skirt on in case I fell off.
n) I must get to my bed as I could never have a really good sleep in that hedge / pavement / skip.
o) I really believe in staying sober
p) I honestly don't think the rest of the city centre wants to see my bare arse.
q) No..you are not my bestest mate in the whole world. I've only known you for a few hours.
r) I'm sure those young women are extremely intelligent and have wonderful personalities.
s) Im sure my feet would be damaged for life if I take my shoes off and walk all the way home.
t) A cocktail followed by 4 tequilas ....surely that would be no good for my insides.
u) Me? go for a pee in the men's toilet because the ladies queue is too long? I don't think so.
v) I`ll just have a big glass of water before I go to bed so I don't have a hangover in the morning.
w) Of course I'm happy to pay the boundary charge, driver.
x) There goes last orders, just make mine a Coca-Cola.
y) Flipping folly folly foxtrot heck.
z) Chip shop ? No thanks, I'm on a low fat diet.


                             

                                         

The Newlyweds...

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband,
although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and have a few beers with 

all the boys. So, he said to his new wife: 'Darling, I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, honey bunch?' asked the wife.

'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'

She went and opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25
different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland ,
Japan, India , etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could
think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they
have frozen glasses...'

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him
by saying,

'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was
getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise.. OK?'

'You want hors d'oeuvres, poochie -pooh?'

She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors doeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps,pork strips,

etc.

'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'

'You want dirty words, you bastard? Drink your fucking beer in your
twatting frozen mug and eat your shitty snacks, because you are married now,

and you aren't going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?'

so he stayed home............




........and, they lived happily ever after.

                             

The Homeless Guy...

Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. Albert would shout, "When I kick the bucket, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" Neighbours hated the cantankerous Albert, however, he liked the fact that he was disliked. Then one evening, he snuffed it, when he was 98. After the burial, Nora's neighbours were concerned for her wellbeing, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?" Non-Stick Nora replied, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down ... and I know for a fact that he won't ask for directions."

Yesterday morning, in Manchester city centre, I saw a homeless fella snoring his head off, inside a big cardboard box outside Piccadilly station. Not wishing to disturb his slumber, I crept over and carefully placed a large Starbucks coffee cup on top of his box. He awakened immediately and cheerily exclaimed, "Cheers mate, thank you very much." "No problem." I replied. He looked at me again and shouted, "Oi! It's empty!" I replied, "I know. It's supposed to be a chimney pot."


Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?
Boss: Sure, come on in … What can I do for you?
Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.
Boss: Yes.
Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a rise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.
Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a rise, but this is just not the right time.
Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, But you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro-activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.
Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten per cent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?
Employee: Great! It's a deal. Thank you, sir!
Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies are after you?

Employee: Oh, British Gas, United Utilities Water, Council Tax and the Halifax Mortgage Company!

Right. That's it! As from today, I've made the decision to quit being a pessimist. It would have never worked out in any event.

If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com

                                               

50 Lessons from God Never Blinks by Regina Brett

                                               




1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short – enjoy it..

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6.. You don't have to win every argument. Stay true to yourself.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye, but don't worry, God never blinks.

16.. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful. Clutter weighs you down in many ways.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to be happy. But it’s all up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow..

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative of dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. Accept what you already have, not what you need

42. The best is yet to come...

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

Its estimated 93% won't forward this. If you are one of the 7% who will, forward this with the title '7%'.

I'm in the 7%. Friends are the family that we choose.

The British Empire....

In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was
sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement, and showing the courtesies that protocol
decrees (gin and tonic with cucumber sandwiches), the retiring colonel said,
"You really must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man. God, he's
really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was shocked to see a
toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, standing
less than three feet tall.  He had a face like a bulldog licking piss from a thistle.
Moreover, he possessed a wooden leg, but had a real foot!

The retiring Colonel said "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about
yourself."


"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and
won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.
I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal
in the middleweight division of the boxing Olympics. I have researched the
history of ... "

Here the Colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, yes; never mind that, Smithers; the
new CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you called that
Witch Doctor a twat!"

                                                   

The Plan....

                      

1. In the beginning was the Plan.
2. And then came the Assumptions,
3. And the Assumptions were without form.
4. And the Plan was without Substance.
5. And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
6. And they spoke among themselves saying, "It is a crock of shit and it stinks."
7. And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung and we cannot live
with the smell."
8. And the Supervisors went unto their Managers saying, "It is a container of organic waste and it is very
strong such that none may abide by it."
9. And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, it is a vessel of fertilizer and none may abide
its strength."
10. And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, "It contains that which aids plant
growth and it is very strong."
11. And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, "It promotes growth and it is very
powerful."
12. And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, "This new plan will actively promote the
growth and vigour of the company with very powerful effects."
13. And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.
14. And the Plan became Policy.

15. And this is how shit happens...