I’m back! Now what are your other two wishes?

                                             

I’m back! Now what are your other two wishes? It’s been a hectic summer and I’m still quite busy this week.  My photo shows a few gigs that I’ve done with Harry Redknapp. However, the most important occasion was last week when my daughter Suzie married her long-time partner George. They make a wonderful couple and it was a very swish do at a magnificent location in Cheshire.

       

 

A far cry from my wedding reception that was held at McDonalds.  It was the last happy meal that I ever had!  Marriage is akin to a deck of cards.  You start off with two hearts and a diamond, then ten years down the line, you wish you had a club and a spade!

                              

Meanwhile, at the Kremlin, Putin is rudely awakened in the middle of the night by his top army General Valery Gerasimov, who exclaimed: “Mr President, sir, the Ukrainians want to talk to you about surrender.” Putin replies: “Fantastic! Get me Zelensky on the phone immediately.” The general asks: “What phone? They’re outside!”

 

I wonder if “Two Tier Kier” can stop the boats as rapidly as he axed the pensioners heating allowance. He’ll be taxing zimmer frames and walking sticks next!  We’re all doomed!

 

I'm sick of hearing Olympians talk about how much work they've put in and "the sacrifices they've made".

What do they want?   A flamin’ gold medal?

 

This afternoon, I came down with a bad case of the Herman's Hermits, which is a really strange malady, because I woke up this morning feeling fine.

 

Thought for Thursday: Instead of building multi-billion high speed rail tracks, why don't people just get earlier trains?

                                                            

I fondly recollect when I was a young lad and my dad used to roll me downhill in old tyres. Those were the Goodyears.   He didn’t like me as a child.  He used to examine my birth certificate for loopholes. I had a nut allergy as a kid and my dad would play Russian Roulette with me, using a bag of Revels….

 

Still on the subject of family, I was totally horrified by the results of my genealogy test. I found out my great grandfather was from Transylvania. Now I can't look at myself in the mirror. Although he passed away some years ago, I still have him in my contacts. It was very windy the day I scattered his ashes.

 

I’ll always remember the year my uncle Tommy went to prison for forgery.  It was about the same time I stopped getting birthday cards off Pamela Anderson.

 

Non-Stick Nora was bitten by a radioactive owl and now she's making all Barmy Albert’s decisions for him.

She has been given the power of a Tawny! It all started when she told Albert that she had accidentally broken her Sat-Nav and wanted £250 off him for a brand new one. In no uncertain terms, Albert told her: “Well, you can go and get lost…”  That’s when the fight started!

 

When I took the car into the garage, I was worried the mechanic might rip me off. Imagine my relief when he said I only needed indicator fluid. He told me that he couldn’t repair the brakes, so he’d made the horn louder. The mechanic then advised me: “Would you like a warranty guarantee? Then, if anything goes awry with the repairs, you could come back here and wave the guarantee at me and any problem on the vehicle would be put right, absolutely free of charge!” I wholeheartedly agreed with him, so he sez: “Well, just sign here, where it states ‘I waive my guarantee...”

 

I just adore the free stuff that you get in hotels. Like shampoo, shower gel, soaps, tea, coffee, toilet rolls, 52” Plasma TV’s, electric kettles, Corby Trouser Presses, comfy chairs,duvets, fluffy towels, copper piping and brass taps and lead flashing from the adjacent church roof et cetera etc.

                                                    

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my front garden. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.   An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, greeted me in my garden, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: ‘I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.’  The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: ‘He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 – he’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?’

 

You know that voice in the back of your head that tells you not to do something? Well, mine bets me a tenner that I can! It also tells me that you can visit my website and check out my all new Jokey-Bloggington!  Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest!  You can email me too; comedianuk@sky.com.  Now, get back to work!

                                 

The fear of 'Two-Tier Kier' is here!

                                           

                                     

    

                                                        

Twisted Firestarter Elon Musk has branded Starmer as “Two Tier Kier.”  I wonder if he can can stop the boats as rapidly as he axed the pensioners heating allowance?   He’ll be taxing zimmer frames and walking sticks next! We’re all doomed!


I'm sick of hearing Olympians talk about how much work they've put in and "the sacrifices they've made". What do they want? A flamin’ medal?


This afternoon, I came down with a bad case of the Herman's Hermits, which is a really strange malady, because I woke up this morning feeling fine.

      

I fondly recollect when I was a young lad and my dad used to roll me downhill in old tyres. Those were the Goodyears. He didn’t like me as a child. He used to examine my birth certificate for loopholes. I had a nut allergy as a kid and my dad would play Russian Roulette with me, using a bag of Revels….



Still on the subject of family, I was totally horrified by the results of my genealogy test. I found out my great grandfather was from Transylvania. Now I can't look at myself in the mirror. Although he passed away some years ago, I still have him in my contacts. It was very windy the day I scattered his ashes.

     

I’ll always remember the year my uncle Tommy went to prison for forgery. It was about the same time I stopped getting birthday cards off Pamela Anderson.

                                     

On an August bank holiday trip to Cellarfield Zoo, Non-Stick Nora was bitten by a radioactive owl and now she's making all Barmy Albert’s decisions for him. She has been given the power of a Tawny. It all started when she told Albert that she had  broken her Sat-Nav and wanted £250 off him for a new one. Albert told her: “Well, you can go and get lost…” That’s when the fight started!

                                     

When I took the car into the garage, I was worried the mechanic might rip me off. Imagine my relief when he said I only needed indicator fluid. He told me that he couldn’t repair the brakes, so he had made the horn louder. The mechanic then advised me: “Would you like a warranty guarantee? Then, if anything goes awry with the repairs, you could come back here and wave the guarantee at me and any problem on the vehicle would be put right, absolutely free of charge!” I wholeheartedly agreed with him, so he sez: “Well, just sign here, where it states ‘I waive my guarantee...”



I just adore the free stuff that you get in hotels. Like shampoo, shower gel, soaps, tea, coffee, toilet rolls, 52” Plasma TV’s, electric kettles, Corby Trouser Presses, comfy chairs , duvets, fluffy towels, copper piping and brass taps and lead flashing from the adjacent church roof et cetera etc.

        

A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with little ladder’s hung on the side and garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The little girl is wearing a fireman’s helmet and has the cart tied to a dog and a cat. The fire-fighter walks over to take a closer look, ‘that’s a lovely fire engine,’ he says admiringly. ‘Thanks,’ says the little girl. The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied one of the cart’s strings to the dog’s collar and one to the cat’s tail. ‘Little colleague,’ says the fire-fighter, ‘I don’t want to tell you how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster.’ The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at the cat, then shyly looks into the fireman’s eyes and says ‘You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren, would I?’


                                            
An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my front garden. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, greeted me in my garden, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: ‘I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.’  The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: ‘He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 – he’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?’
        

You know that voice in the back of your head that tells you not to do something? Well, mine bets me a tenner that I can! It also tells me that you can visit my website and check out my all new Jokey-Bloggington! Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! You can email me too; comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!

Various gubbins from June 2024.

 

Parting is such sweet sorrow, so it is....

 

                                                       

Parting is such sweet sorrow. I’m away for the next few weeks and this hilarious column will be continued upon my return. The missus has told me that she will require a new swimming costume. When I enquired as to what was wrong with the one that she already had, she curtly informed me that: “The knees are worn….”


Non-Stick Nora was attending a fancy dress party and Barmy Albert asked her: "What is that costume that you're wearing?” Nora replied, "A harp." He said, "You're too small to be a harp!” She said, "Are you calling me a lyre?" Nora was asked to fetch something non-alcoholic to the party. Albert wasn’t invited.

Tempestuous rain for the last few months has saturated everything. It’s so bad that I caught a prawn in a mousetrap last week and there’s a rainbow permanently over the mantlepiece! I’m finding it all quite disconcerting and have become disorientated because of this sodden scenario. I inadvertently mixed up the dog’s medication with mine. The dog has low cholesterol now and I don’t have worms or canker any more. I’ve also mistakenly taken the cat’s medicine. Don’t ask meow!



It’s very sad to hear that my old mate Eamonn Holmes is getting divorced. It will radically alter his personal status. He will become Ruthless, whereas, she will become Holmesless. He was recently featured in an advert on TV advising on folk how to release equity from their house. The writing was on the wall! You’d have thought he’d have saved up a few shillings after all the years he’s been on telly. Divorce is like algebra. You look at the X and think Y?

                            

Fascinating Fact: Swedish astronomer Anders Celsius died in 1744 aged 43, although his big rival Fahrenheit insisted that he was 109. On a different subject, I’ve been going to college to study astrology. I’ve applied for a Russell Grant. I’ve since discovered that Astrology and Astronomy are worlds apart!



To the person who stole my selfie stick. You need to take a long look at yourself…



When I was a little kid, I had a pet tadpole. I called him ‘Tiny’ because he was my newt…



I’m currently searching for a pub or club to supply free beer at my comedy festival weekend. I can’t pay you anything, but the comedians will tell hilarious jokes and recollect past occurrences that were so funny that you’ll probably go doo-lally and vote for the Tories! This gig will be an ideal opportunity for you to showcase all your fine ales and premium pilsners.



Barmy Albert was languishing in his local hostelry, The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife, when young tyke Willy Eckerslyke tottered in and sat next to him. Albert proclaimed: “What’s up with you? You look knackered!” Young Willy confided in Albert that he had a new girlfriend and she was quite demanding in the bedroom department, indeed she was waking him up at all hours asking for more!  Willy asked Albert what he could do to curtail all this frantic carnal activity. With all the dignity that Albert could muster, he replied: “Marry her….”



I got home from Wetherspoons and the missus was on the prowl with a rolling pin and whacked me over the cranium. I asked her: “What’s that for?” She was incandescent with rage and screamed: “I’ve found a piece of paper in your jacket pocket, with the word ‘Charmaine’ on it!” I told her that I’d put a bet on last week and that it was the name of the horse and she unreservedly apologised to me. The following night, I got home from a gig and she whacked me again with the rolling pin! I meekly enquired what was the problem this time? She shouted: “Your horse is on the phone!” Oooops!



I always fondly remember my great-grandmothers last words. She was ill in hospital and was lying so still that you couldn’t tell if she was still alive or had passed away. Someone sez: “Feel her feet. Nobody ever died with warm feet.” My great-granny opened her eyes and declared: “Joan of Arc did!” She then died in the next instant….

                            

I stepped back in amazement and the fella behind me stepped back even further because he was amazed at how far back I'd stepped! All this occurred primarily because I was exasperated with the same old boring jokes that are still being circulated around the pub and at work? I’m sure you are too. But no, not me. Yes sirree! I like the same old boring jokes and that's why I print them right here in this gloppy humour column every available chance I get. Accept me for what I am; completely unacceptable. Click on my joke blog: www.ComedianUK.com or better still email me: comedianuk@sky.com Oh, and If your phone didn’t ring yesterday, then it was me!


                        

I'm retired in the sense that I was tired yesterday and am tired again today.... zzzzzzz

 

                            

I just purchased a mega 75 inch TV, with surround sound and state-of -the -art technology gubbins in readiness to watch the Premier League next season. Imagine my surprise when I opened the box and there’s no Leeds! It's an ADHD television.  I can't watch it for very long...



After being married for over thirty years Barmy Albert announced to Non-Stick Nora: "Thirty years ago we had a dilapidated house, a banger of a car, we kipped on a pull-out sofa bed and watched a 20 inch black and white television, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl. Nowadays, I have a £300,000 home, a £15,000 car, a nice big King-size bed and a large screen 52" Plasma, with surround sound TV, but I'm sleeping with a 63-year-old not-so-hot woman, with a face like a pirates flag. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things." Non-Stick Nora is a very reasonable woman. She told Albert to go out and find a hot 23-year-old chick and she would make sure that he would once again be living in a dilapidated house, driving a scrap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 20 inch black and white TV.

                                     

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defence attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer’s credibility.

Q: ‘Officer — did you see my client fleeing the scene?’

A: ‘No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several streets away.’

Q: ‘Officer, who provided this description?’

A: ‘The officer who responded to the scene.’

Q: ‘A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?’

A: ‘Yes, sir. With my life.’

Q: ‘With your life? Let me ask you this then. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?’

A: ‘Yes sir, we do.’

Q: ‘And do you have a locker in the room?’

A: ‘Yes, sir, I do indeed.’

Q: ‘And do you have a lock on your locker?’

A: ‘Yes, sir.’

Q: ‘Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?’

A: ‘You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.’ The courtroom imploded with raucous laughter, and a prompt recess was called.



                                               

This trend of moronic fans running onto the football pitches has to stop. It's only gonna be a matter of time until someone does it at Old Trafford and gets man of the match.



Top Tip: This summer at barbeques and other outdoor family gatherings, in order to avoid being bothered by swarms of wasps, put a blob of jam on a small child.



It would appear that thousands of us are intrigued by our past and have been looking to the Internet to research and compile a family tree. Apparently, some folk can trace their family back 300 years, but can’t tell you where their children are tonight.



I Never trust a person who doesn't like dogs. But I always trust a dog that doesn't like a person. Moreover, thank goodness we married men have dogs to talk to.



"I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug." She won’t stop moaning at me for spending £30 on a fake Rolex. She's been nagging since 1.92 o'clock.



I'm retired in the sense that I was tired yesterday and am tired again today.



I was walking the dogs around the reservoirs and I came across an old abandoned suitcase containing a fox and her four cubs. I phoned the RSPCA on my mobile and told the lady about my discovery. She asked me: “Are they moving?” I told her that I wasn’t sure, but that would certainly explain the suitcase! Later on, I heard a woodpecker tap out in Morse Code that I am paranoid.



My wife and I had a horse-drawn wedding. It was a disaster. We should have just hired a photographer.



News Flash! Chris Tarrant kidnapped by Fern Britton. Britton’s Got Tarrant.



An alien walks into Wetherspoons. The barman asks: "Pint of bitter?" No thanks," sez the alien, "I'm into Stella."



Don't let stress kill you off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and laugh at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or better still email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!

Have you noticed the striking resemblance of the late Cardew 'The Cad' Robinson and former Post Office C.A.D Paula Vennells and wonder if they might be related cad-wise?

Wit is aften a mask....

                                            

We spend our entire existence constantly on the move, wandering aimlessly from one destination, then to another, keeping appointments and observing what time it is and ensuring that we are punctual. The time we get out of bed is governed by the clock and we sleep by the clock, get up again, go to work and then eventually we retire.  And what do they give us? A flamin’ clock!   This is not a wind up!

 

I went to the jewellers and sez to the lady behind the counter: “I need a battery, so I can tell the time.”  She replied: “Is it for a clock?”  I sez: “I don’t know.  That’s why I need a battery….”

 

Three mischievous old grannies were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home. Just about then an old Grandpa walked by and one of the old Grandma’s yelled out saying: “We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.”  The old bloke sez: “There ain’t no way you can guess it, you old fools.” One of the old grannies shouted: “Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under pants and we can tell your exact age.” Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped his drawers. The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and announced:  “You’re 86 years old”’ Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old geezer asked: “How in the world did you guess?” Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three old ladies happily yelled in unison: “We were at your birthday party yesterday!”

                                 

On the same subject, I've got a memory like that thing that's used to get lumps out of flour.

 

Dave, a supermarket worker, is called away from his till. “Your girlfriend’s gone in to labour early” a supervisor tells the worried young man. “A nurse left her direct number. Give her a ring and she’ll tell you what’s happening” Unfortunately, the manager has written the number down wrong and Dave gets through to the local cricket club instead. “How’s everything going?” he asks. “Oh, fine” says a cheery woman at the other end of the phone. “We’ve got eight out already!” “Eight !” wails Dave, who’s already nervous enough about being a dad. “Yep,” says the lady “And the last one was a duck…”

 

During a service, an evangelical preacher invites people in need on to the stage. “Brother” he says to the first respondent “What is your need ?” “I need help with my hearing” the man answers. The preacher sticks his finger in the man’s ear and prays. “How’s your hearing now?” he asks. “I don’t know” says the man “It’s not till next Tuesday…”

                                                      

Larry died.  His will provided £40,000 for an elaborate funeral.  As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Sarah turned to her oldest and dearest friend.  "Well, I’m sure Larry would be pleased," she said. "I’m sure you’re right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.  "How much did this really cost?" "All of it," said Sarah.  "Forty-thousand." "No!"  Jody exclaimed.  "I mean, it was very nice, but £40,000?" Sarah answered, "The funeral was £6,500.  I donated £500 to church.  The whiskey, wine and snacks were another £500.  The rest went for the Memorial Stone." Jody computed quickly.  "£32,500 for a Memorial Stone?  My God, how big is it?" Sarah replied: "Four and a half carats."

 

Non-Stick Nora was awakened at 3am on Saturday morning by a loud  banging on the front door. Barmy Albert got up and went to the door where a drunken  fella, staggering around  in the pouring rain, was asking  for a push. "No chance," shouts Albert. "It’s  three o’clock in the morning!" He slammed the door muttered some Elizabethan expletives and returned to bed. "Who was that?" asked Nora”. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," Albert replied:  "Did you help him?" she asked. "No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it’s lagging it down!" "Well, you have a short memory," she said. "Can’t you remember about four months back when we broke down and those two blokes helped us?" "I think you should help him or you will be ashamed of yourself!" Albert duly did as he was told, got dressed, and went out into the tempestuous, pounding  rain. He called out into the dark, "Hello, are you there?" "Yes!" comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" he shouted. "If you don’t mind!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" Albert politely enquired.  "Over here on the swing!" came the reply. 

                                

Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius irritated or cleverness wriggling. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own.  Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website:  www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com.   Now, assume a comical position,then strike the pose!

                                         

Inflamed Metatarsals and Chronic Busman's Der·rière Syndrome....

                                                           

Why, oh why do parents only announce their baby’s weight when it’s born?  You’d never hear them say: Happy 30th birthday Dave, 19 stone 5 pounds.  Aren’t you a big boy now!   I fondly recollect when my daughter Suzie was born.  The doctor proclaimed: “Your daughter is absolutely beautiful!”  I sez to him: “I bet you say that to all new parents.” He replied: “No. I don’t. I say to them your baby looks just like you!”

Non-Stick Nora accompanied Barmy Albert to the doctor’s office. After his check-up, the doctor called Nora into his office alone. He sez: "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress and palpitations. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice gourmet meal for him. Don’t burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don’t discuss your problems with him; it will only exacerbate his stress level and make it worse.  Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of backrubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television, football and cricket. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim.  If you can do this for the next ten months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health.  On the way home, Barmy Albert asked Nora: "What did the doctor say?"  "You’re going to die, " she replied.

 

On the same subject, my doctor asked me, ‘Do you drink a lot of fluids?’ I sez: ‘To be honest, that’s all I drink!’

 

Fascinating Fact: Albert Einstein was a genius. His brother Frank on the other hand was a monster!

                          

I was languishing in my local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanley knife and I got chatting to a lumberjack. I must say that he seemed like a decent feller....

 

Barmy Albert told Non-Stick Nora: "I want to be a millionaire. Just like my dad!" Non-Stick Nora replied:  "Wow! your dad was a millionaire?" Albert sez:  "No, but he always wanted to be."

I attended a showbiz bash and had a drink with The Beach Boys. It was all going quite well until we had to ascertain whose round it was!

Blowing out someone else’s candle won’t make yours shine any brighter.  Remember that!

Yesterday, I was at my local supermarket buying a bag of dog food for the woofers. Whilst I was in the checkout queue, the woman behind me (she had a face like a pirate’s flag) asked me if I had a dog. What did she think I had – an armadillo?   So, since I was off work and had little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, and that I was starting the dog food diet again.   I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, and that I’d lost two stones before I woke up in intensive care, with a matron and several doctors hovering over my prostrate form.    I told her that it was basically a proper diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with doggy biscuits and simply eat one or two every time you feel peckish. The food is nutritionally complete so it does the business well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the shop was now enthralled with my tale.) Gobsmacked, she enquired if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned my system. I told her definitely not, I merely stepped off the kerb to sniff a nearby lamp post and a car hit me. I thought the geezer behind her was going to have a coronary, he was chortling so much. I now cannot enter the local Co-op without supervision. Always exercise extreme caution when you ask a comedian any simple question at all. We have all the time in the world to dream up stoopid gubbins  to say.

 

Disclaimer: The accounts described are the recollections of the author, and may or may not represent actual occurrences or involve those named in the text. Any resemblance to real people is entirely deliberate, and in accordance with apocryphal law, accounts that are undisputed more than three minutes after this newspaper is printed become uncontrovertible truths. Visit my Jokey-Blog via: www.ComedianUK.com or gizzuz a tweet on Twitter! www.twitter.com/comedianuk.com. Now, behave yerself and get yersen back to work! The summer is a comin’!