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Monday 13 May 2024

Inflamed Metatarsals and Chronic Busman's Der·rière Syndrome....


Why, oh why do parents only announce their baby’s weight when it’s born?  You’d never hear them say: Happy 30th birthday Dave, 19 stone 5 pounds.  Aren’t you a big boy now!   I fondly recollect when my daughter Suzie was born.  The doctor proclaimed: “Your daughter is absolutely beautiful!”  I sez to him: “I bet you say that to all new parents.” He replied: “No. I don’t. I say to them your baby looks just like you!”

Non-Stick Nora accompanied Barmy Albert to the doctor’s office. After his check-up, the doctor called Nora into his office alone. He sez: "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress and palpitations. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice gourmet meal for him. Don’t burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don’t discuss your problems with him; it will only exacerbate his stress level and make it worse.  Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of backrubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television, football and cricket. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim.  If you can do this for the next ten months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health.  On the way home, Barmy Albert asked Nora: "What did the doctor say?"  "You’re going to die, " she replied.


On the same subject, my doctor asked me, ‘Do you drink a lot of fluids?’ I sez: ‘To be honest, that’s all I drink!’


Fascinating Fact: Albert Einstein was a genius. His brother Frank on the other hand was a monster!


I was languishing in my local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanley knife and I got chatting to a lumberjack. I must say that he seemed like a decent feller....


Barmy Albert told Non-Stick Nora: "I want to be a millionaire. Just like my dad!" Non-Stick Nora replied:  "Wow! your dad was a millionaire?" Albert sez:  "No, but he always wanted to be."

I attended a showbiz bash and had a drink with The Beach Boys. It was all going quite well until we had to ascertain whose round it was!

Blowing out someone else’s candle won’t make yours shine any brighter.  Remember that!

Yesterday, I was at my local supermarket buying a bag of dog food for the woofers. Whilst I was in the checkout queue, the woman behind me (she had a face like a pirate’s flag) asked me if I had a dog. What did she think I had – an armadillo?   So, since I was off work and had little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, and that I was starting the dog food diet again.   I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, and that I’d lost two stones before I woke up in intensive care, with a matron and several doctors hovering over my prostrate form.    I told her that it was basically a proper diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with doggy biscuits and simply eat one or two every time you feel peckish. The food is nutritionally complete so it does the business well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the shop was now enthralled with my tale.) Gobsmacked, she enquired if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned my system. I told her definitely not, I merely stepped off the kerb to sniff a nearby lamp post and a car hit me. I thought the geezer behind her was going to have a coronary, he was chortling so much. I now cannot enter the local Co-op without supervision. Always exercise extreme caution when you ask a comedian any simple question at all. We have all the time in the world to dream up stoopid gubbins  to say.


Disclaimer: The accounts described are the recollections of the author, and may or may not represent actual occurrences or involve those named in the text. Any resemblance to real people is entirely deliberate, and in accordance with apocryphal law, accounts that are undisputed more than three minutes after this newspaper is printed become uncontrovertible truths. Visit my Jokey-Blog via: or gizzuz a tweet on Twitter! Now, behave yerself and get yersen back to work! The summer is a comin’!   





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