Why, oh why
do parents only announce their baby’s weight when it’s born? You’d never hear them say: Happy 30th
birthday Dave, 19 stone 5 pounds. Aren’t
you a big boy now! I fondly recollect
when my daughter Suzie was born. The
doctor proclaimed: “Your daughter is absolutely beautiful!” I sez to him: “I bet you say that to all new
parents.” He replied: “No. I don’t. I say to them your baby looks just like
you!”
Non-Stick Nora accompanied
Barmy Albert to the doctor’s office. After his check-up, the doctor called Nora
into his office alone. He sez: "Your husband is suffering from a very
severe disease, combined with horrible stress and palpitations. If you don’t do
the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy
breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him
a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially
nice gourmet meal for him. Don’t burden him with chores, as this could further
his stress. Don’t discuss your problems with him; it will only exacerbate his
stress level and make it worse. Try to
relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of
backrubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television,
football and cricket. And most importantly, make love with your husband several
times a week and satisfy his every whim.
If you can do this for the next ten months to a year, I think your
husband will regain his health. On the
way home, Barmy Albert asked Nora: "What did the doctor say?" "You’re going to die, " she
replied.
On the same subject, my
doctor asked me, ‘Do you drink a lot of fluids?’ I sez: ‘To be honest, that’s
all I drink!’
Fascinating Fact: Albert
Einstein was a genius. His brother Frank on the other hand was a monster!
I was languishing in my
local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanley knife and I got chatting to a lumberjack.
I must say that he seemed like a decent feller....
Barmy Albert
told Non-Stick Nora: "I want to be a millionaire. Just like my dad!"
Non-Stick Nora replied: "Wow! your
dad was a millionaire?" Albert sez:
"No, but he always wanted to be."
I attended a
showbiz bash and had a drink with The Beach Boys. It was all going quite well
until we had to ascertain whose round it was!
Blowing out
someone else’s candle won’t make yours shine any brighter. Remember that!
Yesterday, I
was at my local supermarket buying a bag of dog food for the woofers. Whilst I
was in the checkout queue, the woman behind me (she had a face like a pirate’s
flag) asked me if I had a dog. What did she think I had – an armadillo? So, since I was off work and had little to
do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, and that I was starting
the dog food diet again. I added that I
probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, and that I’d lost
two stones before I woke up in intensive care, with a matron and several
doctors hovering over my prostrate form.
I told her that it was basically a proper diet and that the way that it
works is to load your pockets with doggy biscuits and simply eat one or two
every time you feel peckish. The food is nutritionally complete so it does the
business well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that
practically everyone in the shop was now enthralled with my tale.) Gobsmacked,
she enquired if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned my
system. I told her definitely not, I merely stepped off the kerb to sniff a
nearby lamp post and a car hit me. I thought the geezer behind her was going to
have a coronary, he was chortling so much. I now cannot enter the local Co-op
without supervision. Always exercise extreme caution when you ask a comedian
any simple question at all. We have all the time in the world to dream up
stoopid gubbins to say.
Disclaimer: The accounts described are the recollections of the author, and may or may not represent actual occurrences or involve those named in the text. Any resemblance to real people is entirely deliberate, and in accordance with apocryphal law, accounts that are undisputed more than three minutes after this newspaper is printed become uncontrovertible truths. Visit my Jokey-Blog via: www.ComedianUK.com or gizzuz a tweet on Twitter! www.twitter.com/comedianuk.com. Now, behave yerself and get yersen back to work! The summer is a comin’!
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