Barmy Albert sez to Non-Stick Nora: "I can remember the first time I visited Liverpool, I found it very hard to leave." Nora asked "Did you fall madly in love with the place?" Albert replied: "No, I had my car stolen."
If you think I'm obsessed with Supertramp, you should take a look at my girlfriend.
Q) What is Man Utd goalkeeper André Onana’s favourite colour?
A) Indigo.
Last week, I purchased a suit of armour off eBay, but I returned it because it made me look middle aged.
I'm weighing up the many comments from people castigating electric vehicles. Most of them don't really know what they're talking about. Personally, I drive two top of the range EVs, a Jaguar and a Porsche. Their acceleration and handling is absolutely fantastic. They possess sleek lines and look brilliant and they're really cheap to run. They need hardly any maintenance whatsoever and haven't depreciated since I bought them. Literally, the only criticism I could make of them is sometimes, if I really push them into a corner, they can fly off the track and get stuck under the settee.
Yesterday morning, a woman at the checkout in Tesco opened her bag and a TV remote fell out. I picked it up for her and I laughed and asked her if she usually carried her remote control around. She sez: “No, but I wanted my husband to come shopping with me and he refused, so I thought I would get my own back on the curmudgeonly cretin.”
While I was in Tesco, I bought a packet of Elvis Costello's new Mediterranean sausages. They were superb. I think olive salami is here to stay.
Eugene J Polley, the inventor of the television remote control has died at the age of 96. Have they tried turning his batteries the other way round and smacking him against the coffee table?
Fascinating Fact: The only thing worse than a bull that dosen’t like you, is one that does....
I did a gig with a fantastic choreographer who could perform Riverdance on a postage stamp. His name was Michael Philately.
Kids do say the funniest things. In primary school the teacher asked the class to make a sentence using the word 'avocado'. Little Jason stood up and pronounced, “My dad has a driving license, but we don't avocado.”
It’s much better to try and run a half-marathon, rather than say “I gave up halfway through a marathon.
I went for a jog, but came back home after a minute. The reason being, I’m morbidly obese and can’t run for more than a minute. Follow me every week for more fitness tips.
On a university exam, students were asked to explain the difference between ignorance and apathy.
The professor had to give an "A" to the student who wrote: "I don't know and I don't care."
Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle was walking in the park when she coughed and her false teeth shot out of her gob and into the lake! A passing stranger sez: “Come with me, I might be able to help you!” They went to his car “Try these” he announced, handing her a set of gnashers. She tried them, but they were far too tight. “Okay, try these then” but they were far too slack; finally he gave her another pair which fitted perfectly, “Oh thank you” she said “these are the best fit I’ve ever had I’ve always wanted to meet the perfect dentist!” “Oh, I’m not a dentist” he said “I’m an undertaker!”
The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side. She said, "What are you doing with those?" He looked her in the eye and said, "This isn’t going to take all day, is it?" Start as you mean to go on. That’s what I reckon…
I visited the new Fleetwood Mac Donalds restaurant last weekend. They sell you fries, sell you sweet little fries. Then yesterday, I took the missus to a cafeteria called Karma. The wife asked me what kind of food they served. I sez: “Just desserts…”
I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing, retraced my footprints, got waylaid on my return journey and now I haven’t got the foggiest idea of what’s going on. We need another referendum to find out. You can find out all sorts of comedic paraphernalia by visiting my website. Clickety-click on: www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now get back to work!
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