I'm retired in the sense that I was tired yesterday and am tired again today.... zzzzzzz

 

                            

I just purchased a mega 75 inch TV, with surround sound and state-of -the -art technology gubbins in readiness to watch the Premier League next season. Imagine my surprise when I opened the box and there’s no Leeds! It's an ADHD television.  I can't watch it for very long...



After being married for over thirty years Barmy Albert announced to Non-Stick Nora: "Thirty years ago we had a dilapidated house, a banger of a car, we kipped on a pull-out sofa bed and watched a 20 inch black and white television, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl. Nowadays, I have a £300,000 home, a £15,000 car, a nice big King-size bed and a large screen 52" Plasma, with surround sound TV, but I'm sleeping with a 63-year-old not-so-hot woman, with a face like a pirates flag. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things." Non-Stick Nora is a very reasonable woman. She told Albert to go out and find a hot 23-year-old chick and she would make sure that he would once again be living in a dilapidated house, driving a scrap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 20 inch black and white TV.

                                     

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defence attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer’s credibility.

Q: ‘Officer — did you see my client fleeing the scene?’

A: ‘No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several streets away.’

Q: ‘Officer, who provided this description?’

A: ‘The officer who responded to the scene.’

Q: ‘A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?’

A: ‘Yes, sir. With my life.’

Q: ‘With your life? Let me ask you this then. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?’

A: ‘Yes sir, we do.’

Q: ‘And do you have a locker in the room?’

A: ‘Yes, sir, I do indeed.’

Q: ‘And do you have a lock on your locker?’

A: ‘Yes, sir.’

Q: ‘Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?’

A: ‘You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.’ The courtroom imploded with raucous laughter, and a prompt recess was called.



                                               

This trend of moronic fans running onto the football pitches has to stop. It's only gonna be a matter of time until someone does it at Old Trafford and gets man of the match.



Top Tip: This summer at barbeques and other outdoor family gatherings, in order to avoid being bothered by swarms of wasps, put a blob of jam on a small child.



It would appear that thousands of us are intrigued by our past and have been looking to the Internet to research and compile a family tree. Apparently, some folk can trace their family back 300 years, but can’t tell you where their children are tonight.



I Never trust a person who doesn't like dogs. But I always trust a dog that doesn't like a person. Moreover, thank goodness we married men have dogs to talk to.



"I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug." She won’t stop moaning at me for spending £30 on a fake Rolex. She's been nagging since 1.92 o'clock.



I'm retired in the sense that I was tired yesterday and am tired again today.



I was walking the dogs around the reservoirs and I came across an old abandoned suitcase containing a fox and her four cubs. I phoned the RSPCA on my mobile and told the lady about my discovery. She asked me: “Are they moving?” I told her that I wasn’t sure, but that would certainly explain the suitcase! Later on, I heard a woodpecker tap out in Morse Code that I am paranoid.



My wife and I had a horse-drawn wedding. It was a disaster. We should have just hired a photographer.



News Flash! Chris Tarrant kidnapped by Fern Britton. Britton’s Got Tarrant.



An alien walks into Wetherspoons. The barman asks: "Pint of bitter?" No thanks," sez the alien, "I'm into Stella."



Don't let stress kill you off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and laugh at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or better still email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!

Have you noticed the striking resemblance of the late Cardew 'The Cad' Robinson and former Post Office C.A.D Paula Vennells and wonder if they might be related cad-wise?