The vaccination passport farrago....

                                             

Who Wants To Be a Millionaire broadcasted the celebrity edition and Diane Abbott couldn’t get past the £100 question. Jeremy Clarkson was most perturbed with her time wasting and grumpily announced “You’re going to have to use a lifeline.” She replied “I’ll phone a friend.” Jeremy asked “Who do you want to phone?” Diane replied “Sir Kier Starmer.” Jeremy sez “Hello, Sir Kier, It’s Jeremy Clarkson here from Who wants to be a Millionaire, I’ve got Diane sat across from me and she needs your help.” Kier said “Hello, Diane. What’s the question?” Diane replied “Should I go fifty-fifty, ask the host or phone another friend?”


                                      

Parents nowadays must be quite baffled by what they have to explain to their offspring regarding the procreation of the human race. In days of yore, we all had to inform our kids about the birds and the bees. It’s just basic parental territory and is part of the job description. This was formerly a relatively simple task. However, in these enlightened times, we must consider more complex formats, namely the bees and the bees, the birds that used to be bees, the birds and the birds, bees that were formerly birds, birds that look like bees, not forgetting bees that were birds, but still have a stinger! Who’d a thowt it?!?



Fascinating Fact: By replacing your morning coffee with a cup of green tea you can lose 85% of what little joy you have left in your life...



We were partaking of a tankard of Farquarharsons Old & Filthy Best British Bitter Beer up Scropton Street in the Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub, when it kicked off royal! You know they’re gonna start brawling in the sawdust when Barmy Albert shouts “Hold my teeth!”
                                                  

The general consensus of opinion is that drinking milk makes you stronger. In my experiment to prove this, I consumed six pints of gold top and then tried to move a wall, but was unable to do so. In my second experiment, I larruped down six pints of Stella Artois and voila! The wall moved all by itself!



Non Stick Nora phoned the local restaurant and the receptionist asked their name for the booking and sez “Do you and your guest have your vaccination cards?” Nora replied: Can you tell us who our waitress will be on the night?" She replied “It looks like Ethel will be your waitress that particular evening.” To which Nora replied “Superb. Can you show us Ethel’s vaccination card?” The receptionist then became a tad tongue-tied; however, Nora continued apace “Also, can you provide me with proof that Ethel not a carrier of any other communicable disease? Oh, and the same for you and all the kitchen staff. As a matter of fact, I’m going to need to see all of your employee’s medical history.” To which the receptionist replied: "Erm. Let me get the manager for you.” Nora swiftly replied: “That would be great, thank you. Make sure he has his vax card and medical records as well please…”    I hope they serve sauce for the goose!

                            

The difference between ignorance and apathy...

 

                                        

Barmy Albert was caught red-handed yesterday morning in the bathroom weighing himself, when Non Stick Nora sauntered in. She declared that she didn’t think that holding his stomach in would make him weigh any less. Albert replied that he was aware of that, but in doing this, he’d be able to read what it says on the scales.



A new, inexperienced waitress said she was concerned about being able to carry the heavy trays and serve from them. A supervisor explained that there were tray stands placed throughout the restaurant. The nervous beginner served all her lunches successfully and afterward asked an elderly couple if everything had been all right. "It was fine, dear," replied the man, "but my wife and I have to leave now. Could she please have her zimmer frame back?"

                                   

We were late for an evening out, and I was downstairs, pacing back and forth glancing at my watch, then I yelled upstairs to the missus, "Are you ready yet?" Shouting back, she replies, "For crying out loud, I've been telling you for the last two hours that I'll be ready in five minutes!" What’s all that about then?



The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side. She said, "What are you doing with those?" He looked her in the eye and said, "This isn’t going to take all day, is it?"



His request approved, the BBC News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go.' The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot,   'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'  'Why?' asked the pilot. 'Because I'm a photographer for BBC News 24,' he responded, 'and I need to get some close-up shots.' The pilot was strangely silent for a moment. Finally he stammered, “So, what you're telling me is ...... You're NOT my flight instructor?”

                            

1. Open a new file in your computer. 2. Name it "Boris Johnson". 3. Send it to the Recycle Bin. 4. Empty the Recycle Bin. 5. Your PC will ask you. "Do you really want to get rid of
"Boris Johnson?" 6. Firmly Click "Yes." 7. Feel better? Tomorrow we'll do Diane Abbott.



On a university exam, students were asked to explain the difference between ignorance and apathy. The professor had to give an "A" to the student who wrote "I don't know and I don't care."



BT rang me up and curtly informed me that if I didn’t pay the overdue bill within the next seven days, then I would be disconnected. I told them that “Your bill is in a queue.”

 

                                     

If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com

 

Gross aggrandised annuity.....

 

                          

Barmy Albert attended an interview for a tripe inspector at Scropton Street Abattoir... "Now this is the verbal part of your employment test," said the interviewer. "Can you tell me what gross aggrandized annuity means?" "Certainly," replied Albert. "It means I don't get the job."



Nora Non Stick just texted and asked me, "What does IDK stand for?" I texted back and sez, "I Don't Know." She replied saying, "OMG! Nobody does!"



I attended a showbiz bash and had a drink with The Beach Boys. It was all going quite well until we had to ascertain whose round it was!



Paul Simon was also in attendance. I sez to him: “Paul, what was that massive hit you had in the 80’s?” He replied: “Call me Al.” I sez: “Al, what was that massive hit you had in the 80’s?”

                                               
                                           

Sir Miles Platting, the famous Mancunian author was on tour in Australia for launch of his new book. In a book shop in Sydney, there was a line of fans, all clutching the book for signing, one by one. The next in line was a lady who said ‘Emma Chissett’ and the author carefully wrote ‘To Emma Chissett’ and signed the page. The lady retorted, ‘No, Emma Chissett!’ The author replied, ‘Sorry, have I misspelled your name?’ With exasperation, the lady said once more. ‘No, Emma Chissett. What’s the price?’



I wonder what happens when a doctor’s wife eats an apple a day!



Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again...



The sales geezer in the furniture store told me that the sofa could seat up to five people without any problems. It was only then that I realised that I genuinely don’t know five people without any problems.



Olympic Sailing Results are just in! Britain have taken gold. USA have taken silver. Somalia have taken a wealthy middle-aged couple from Weymouth....



BREAKING NEWS.......A Manchester cinema was robbed yesterday. Police are urging witnesses to come forward. Two masked gunmen escaped with an estimated total of £2,250 in goods. It’s believed the men have made off with four hot dogs, 2 medium Cokey-Cola’s, a family size popcorn and a bag of Nachos...



A tired young doctor got off a night shift at the hospital and stepped into a bar called "Dick's" across the street for a drink. "Hey what can I get you?" asked Dick. "How about a daiquiri?"
The bartender makes a drink and slides it down the bar. He takes a sip and loves it. "Whoa! That's great. What's your secret?" "A little bit of almond extract. Gives it a little something extra." The two hit it off and a lifelong friendship develops. One night the doctor enters and like clockwork the bartender goes to make his favourite drink only to realize that all the almond extract is gone. Thinking on his feet he substitutes it with a little hickory on hand.The doctor takes a sip. A little confused, he takes another... "Is this an almond daiquiri, Dick?" "No, it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."

  

 

Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Avoid lollygaggers, wastrels, scallywags and knaves. Learn to chop wood into nice little squares. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, then let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it. So, now you know! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!