Barmy Albert was caught red-handed yesterday morning in the bathroom weighing himself, when Non Stick Nora sauntered in. She declared that she didn’t think that holding his stomach in would make him weigh any less. Albert replied that he was aware of that, but in doing this, he’d be able to read what it says on the scales.
A new, inexperienced waitress said she was concerned about being able to carry the heavy trays and serve from them. A supervisor explained that there were tray stands placed throughout the restaurant. The nervous beginner served all her lunches successfully and afterward asked an elderly couple if everything had been all right. "It was fine, dear," replied the man, "but my wife and I have to leave now. Could she please have her zimmer frame back?"
We were late for an evening out, and I was downstairs, pacing back and forth glancing at my watch, then I yelled upstairs to the missus, "Are you ready yet?" Shouting back, she replies, "For crying out loud, I've been telling you for the last two hours that I'll be ready in five minutes!" What’s all that about then?
The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side. She said, "What are you doing with those?" He looked her in the eye and said, "This isn’t going to take all day, is it?"
His request approved, the BBC News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go.' The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.' 'Why?' asked the pilot. 'Because I'm a photographer for BBC News 24,' he responded, 'and I need to get some close-up shots.' The pilot was strangely silent for a moment. Finally he stammered, “So, what you're telling me is ...... You're NOT my flight instructor?”
1. Open a new file in your computer. 2. Name it "Boris Johnson". 3. Send it to the Recycle Bin. 4. Empty the Recycle Bin. 5. Your PC will ask you. "Do you really want to get rid of
"Boris Johnson?" 6. Firmly Click "Yes." 7. Feel better? Tomorrow we'll do Diane Abbott.
On a university exam, students were asked to explain the difference between ignorance and apathy. The professor had to give an "A" to the student who wrote "I don't know and I don't care."
BT rang me up and curtly informed me that if I didn’t pay the overdue bill within the next seven days, then I would be disconnected. I told them that “Your bill is in a queue.”
If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:firstname.lastname@example.org