Barmy Albert attended an interview for a tripe inspector at Scropton Street Abattoir... "Now this is the verbal part of your employment test," said the interviewer. "Can you tell me what gross aggrandized annuity means?" "Certainly," replied Albert. "It means I don't get the job."
Nora Non Stick just texted and asked me, "What does IDK stand for?" I texted back and sez, "I Don't Know." She replied saying, "OMG! Nobody does!"
I attended a showbiz bash and had a drink with The Beach Boys. It was all going quite well until we had to ascertain whose round it was!
Paul Simon was also in attendance. I sez to him: “Paul, what was that massive hit you had in the 80’s?” He replied: “Call me Al.” I sez: “Al, what was that massive hit you had in the 80’s?”
Sir Miles Platting, the famous Mancunian author was on tour in Australia for launch of his new book. In a book shop in Sydney, there was a line of fans, all clutching the book for signing, one by one. The next in line was a lady who said ‘Emma Chissett’ and the author carefully wrote ‘To Emma Chissett’ and signed the page. The lady retorted, ‘No, Emma Chissett!’ The author replied, ‘Sorry, have I misspelled your name?’ With exasperation, the lady said once more. ‘No, Emma Chissett. What’s the price?’
I wonder what happens when a doctor’s wife eats an apple a day!
Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again...
The sales geezer in the furniture store told me that the sofa could seat up to five people without any problems. It was only then that I realised that I genuinely don’t know five people without any problems.
Olympic Sailing Results are just in! Britain have taken gold. USA have taken silver. Somalia have taken a wealthy middle-aged couple from Weymouth....
BREAKING NEWS.......A Manchester cinema was robbed yesterday. Police are urging witnesses to come forward. Two masked gunmen escaped with an estimated total of £2,250 in goods. It’s believed the men have made off with four hot dogs, 2 medium Cokey-Cola’s, a family size popcorn and a bag of Nachos...
A tired young doctor got off a night shift at the hospital and stepped into a bar called "Dick's" across the street for a drink. "Hey what can I get you?" asked Dick. "How about a daiquiri?"
The bartender makes a drink and slides it down the bar. He takes a sip and loves it. "Whoa! That's great. What's your secret?" "A little bit of almond extract. Gives it a little something extra." The two hit it off and a lifelong friendship develops. One night the doctor enters and like clockwork the bartender goes to make his favourite drink only to realize that all the almond extract is gone. Thinking on his feet he substitutes it with a little hickory on hand.The doctor takes a sip. A little confused, he takes another... "Is this an almond daiquiri, Dick?" "No, it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."
Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Avoid lollygaggers, wastrels, scallywags and knaves. Learn to chop wood into nice little squares. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, then let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it. So, now you know! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!
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