Barmy Albert was playing “This little piggy” with his grandson and when he got to “This little piggy stayed at home.” his 5 year old grandson asked: “Why? Was he pinged?”
In 2019, when leaving the house, one would remember to take their keys. phome, purse or wallet. However, in 2021, you have to remember keys, phone, purse/wallet, mask, hand sanitizer, Dettol wet wipes, machete, garlic, silver bullet, rabbits foot, stress ball and holy water. If you want to make your own holy water, then just boil the hell out of it.
I heard on the grapevine that Craig David is over in Japan helping Britain’s archery team to hopefully win their first Olympic gold medal in the event. He's not actually taking part; he's just their bow selector.
Fascinating Fact: Remember when we used to queue up at a fair to see the fat tattooed lady? Now they’re everywhere! Who’d a thowt it!
Top Tip: Have a nice lie-in and skip work today. Treat yourself to a full English breakfast and then saunter up into Scropton Street, go into The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub and have a few sherbets with all your furloughed friends and self-employed serial SEISS grant claimants. After you’ve eventually gone back home, binge watch Netflix until the early hours with a bottle of fine Malbec. You’ll find that it’s a much more magical way to spend your day! You heard it first here folks!
Q) How do Mexican folk keep warm in winter?
A) With chicken fajitas!
Boris reckons that a good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
The proprietor of the restaurant drove up in his brand new state of the art Range Rover Evoque and one of the waiters was mesmerised and couldn't stop admiring it. "What a fantastic car," sez the waiter excitedly. "Well," replied the boss,”If you work hard, be punctual and put the hours in, then I'll have an even better car next year."
A recent study by Manchester University found that folk who take their coffee black are more likely to exhibit psychopathic traits. Whereas, people who order a quad shot, non-fat, vanilla soy, extra foam, light whip with a caramel drizzle are most likely to be their victims.
Quote of the week: Tolerance will reach such a level that intelligent people will be banned from thinking, so as not to offend the imbeciles." Dostoievski
Never mind electric or hybrid vehicles. I have just bought the latest car which runs entirely on ferret’s urine I had a slight disaster yesterday, when I accidentally filled it up with weasel.
My forward planning exercise for 2021: Exercise extreme caution in whatever you do. Be curious. Go outside. Go to bed early. Hydrate. Breathe from the epiglottis. Eat happy. Develop a routine that is flexible enough to live with. Be kind to folk. Accept that not everyone will like you, but appreciate those that do. Don’t be defined. Allow for margins of error. Want what you already possess. Shout a resounding YES! To the things that help you live and NO! to the stuff that gets in the way of life.Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or email me; comedianuk@sky.com Now get back to working from home!
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