Because it is ‘that’ time of year and we are all about to enter the brief barbecue season, I thought it might be wise to outline the official rules of play. You will be aware that tempestuous rain (in monsoon proportions) has battered the UK during this summertime, so I consider that it is of great importance to refresh your memory on the appropriate etiquette and ensuing protocol that must be strictly adhered to with regard to this sublime alfresco catering scenario.
Women, listen up! Let’s get it straight, when a man volunteers to do the barbecue, a sequence of events are put into motion:
(1) The woman will attend the supermarket ‘early doors’ and make any necessary purchases of food and accompanying comestibles.
(2) The woman will marinade all meat, prepare and make good any salad, bake jacket spuds in tin-foil, accompanied by any other miscellaneous vegetables, such as asparagus, wrapped in Parma ham. Further extreme care should be taken when making a nice pudding, such as my fave apple and almond cake. Custard should contain no lumps and should therefore be sieved through a stocking.
(3) The woman prepares and seasons the meat (prior to cremation), subsequently placing it on a platter, along with the requisite cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is languishing beside the grill, larruping ale down his neck. Note: He has a beer in each hand, in an effort to maintain the correct balance.
(4) The woman remains outside the mandatory three yard exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other male bonding activities can manifest themselves, without the interference of the aforementioned mithering female.
Here comes the important part:
(5) The male of the species will then place the meat on the grill.
(6) The woman goes inside to organise any requisite crockery, cutlery and other accessories.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking superb. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat over, thereby engaging in a system of strict rotation.
(8) The man removes meat from grill and will then pass it to the woman for administration purposes.
(9) The woman prepares the crockery, cutlery, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, condiments,
sauces, and fetches the same to the table. If she is unable to do this all at once, then she should make several trips.
(10) After the man and all the kids finish scoffing all the grub, the woman shall then clear and wipe down the table and stack the dishwasher accordingly.
(11) Everyone praises the MAN and thanks HIM for his culinary expertise and efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her ‘day off ‘and, upon seeing her gobsmacked countenance and flabbergasted reaction (she has a face like a murderers labourer), concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!
If you're happy and you know it......