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Monday, 26 July 2021

If you're happy and you know it.....


The grand opening ceremony of the Olympic Games in Tokyo was conducted in an empty stadium. Just like the Disney World in Tokyo which was also empty because everyone is too small to go on the rides!


Liverpool losing their World Heritage Title doesn’t surprise me. I remember when they built Knowsley Safari Park adjacent to a council estate and the tenants association took umbrage and contacted their MP, protesting about what might occur if a lion or a gorilla escaped and got into their council estate and the MP replied: “It would just have to fend for itself.”


Just imagine five years from now, you put on a coat that you haven’t worn for ages and upon putting your hand in the pocket, you discover a face mask and say to yourself: “Wow! What a bleak period that Covid pandemic was!”  Well, you have a chortle to yourself, pick up your axe and ride across a dystopian landscape,  navigating your quad bike through a desolate tundra, then suddenly and inexplicably fall into an abyss, being flipped over and pinned underneath, then a marauding pack of predatory ice weasels come.  Just like marriage really!


What's the difference between a jazz band and a rock band?  A rock band plays three chords for five thousand people, whereas, a jazz band five thousand chords for three people.


Barmy Albert was languishing in the Pit Bull & Stanley Knife Public House last night, larruping back copious tankards of Farquarharsons Old & Filthy Best Bitter British Beer, when he sez to Non Stick Nora, "Have I told you that you look absolutely divine tonight?" "No, you haven't" she said with a bashful smile. "Well, there's a reason for that," he replied....


The missus phoned me the other day and the conversation went thus:
Her: “You know that Spartacus Gladiator box set that I got you?”
Me: “What about it?”
Her: “Put Volume 2 in the DVD player. Forward it exactly one hour, 16 minutes and 28 seconds.”
Me: “Right, I’ve done that”
Her: “Okay, you see the gladiator at the front, fighting the lion!”
Me: “I can see that, yeah.”
Her: “Just behind him, there are two gladiators having a sword fight with each other!”
Me: Okay, I see them.”
Her: “Well, behind them two, on the left hand side of the screen, there’s a gladiator guarding the gate holding a spear.”
Me: “Yes! I can see him!”
Her: Can you see his feet?
Me: Yes, I can!
Her: Right! Those are the sandals I want for my birthday!”


On Monday, I escorted the mother-in-law to her doctor’s appointment. She had a carrot stuck fast up her nose, a banana jammed in one ear and a cucumber was lodged in her other ear! The doctor asked me, “What seems to be the problem?”I said “Well, I’m no medical expert myself, doctor. But I don't reckon that she's eating properly.”


I'm not saying I'm lonely and have no friends but I'm the only person in the country that hasn't been pinged! 



I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing, retraced my footprints, got waylaid on my return journey and now I haven’t got the foggiest idea of what’s going on.  We need another referendum to find out.  You can find out all sorts of comedic paraphernalia by visiting my website.  Clickety-click on: and continue the quest!  Email me:    Now get back to work!



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