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Monday 5 July 2021

It's coming home! Wahay!



Non Stick Nora told Barmy Albert that she’d received her test results back and that she has contracted the dreaded ‘C’. Albert sez: “Covid?” Nora replied: “No. Dyslexia!” Albert tried to console her, but she was consumed with sorrow. “Not just dyslexia.” Nora opined “The hospital has sent me a letter telling me that I have tiny toes!” Albert gazed at the letter and informed her: “No, you’re mistaken Nora. You have tinnitus...”

The rumour going around last Saturday was that the game was being called off because of a Covid breakout in the Ukraine camp. Apparently their right back Tikili Chestikov had it. It was later discovered that it was just one of my jokes.


You have to feel sympathy for Tory MP Lee Anderson who refused to watch England roaring into the semi-finals, because he was boycotting all of their matches over players taking the knee! Who’d a thowt it!


“Mummy," asked little Nellie, "Why do you always cut the ends off of the sausages before you put them in the pan?" "Oh, that's just the way my mother always did it. You'll have to ask her." The next time her grandmother visited "Granny," asks little Nellie, "Why do you and mummy cut the ends off of the sausages before you put them in the pan?" "Oh, that's just the way my mother always did it," replied Nellie's granny. "You'll have to ask her." "Great Granny," asks Nellie the next time they visit her slightly doo-lally great grandmother at the nursing home, "Why do you and Granny and Mummy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the pan?" "Oh, for Pete’s sake!" sez Great Granny, “Are they still using that small pan?"


Elsie Grabknuckle's dog had gone deaf. She took it to the vet, who examined the canine and pronounced: “Nowt wrong with the dog, Elsie. Hair has grown too long in its ears, so I’ve trimmed it out and its right as nine pence.” Elsie thanked him profusely and asked what to do if the problem reoccurred. The vet told her to go to the chemist and buy some Immac hair remover and put a dab of it in the dog’s ears once a week. On the way home, she called in to the pharmacy and asked for the product. The chemist sez: “If you’re using it under your arms Elsie, then don’t use deodorant for a few days coz it’ll sting and if you’re using it on your legs, don’t apply anything like fake tan, because it’ll cause a nasty rash.” Elsie proclaimed: “It’s not for my arms or legs. It’s for my Schnauzer!” The chemist replied: “Well, don’t ride your bike for a week....”


If you made a mistake, then apologise. If you are thankful, just tell me. If you’re confused, ask me any question. If you are lucky enough to learn summat new, then teach it. If you are stuck, ask for assistance. If you’re wrong, admit it. If you are in a position to unselfishly give, then send me £10. If you love someone, tell me NOW! If you’re famished, ask someone to go to Greggs. If you fancy a chortle, then visit my website: and visit my all new Covid Jokey-Bloggington! There’s only 3 more lockdowns to Christmas!

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