The difference between ignorance and apathy...

 

                                        

Barmy Albert was caught red-handed yesterday morning in the bathroom weighing himself, when Non Stick Nora sauntered in. She declared that she didn’t think that holding his stomach in would make him weigh any less. Albert replied that he was aware of that, but in doing this, he’d be able to read what it says on the scales.



A new, inexperienced waitress said she was concerned about being able to carry the heavy trays and serve from them. A supervisor explained that there were tray stands placed throughout the restaurant. The nervous beginner served all her lunches successfully and afterward asked an elderly couple if everything had been all right. "It was fine, dear," replied the man, "but my wife and I have to leave now. Could she please have her zimmer frame back?"

                                   

We were late for an evening out, and I was downstairs, pacing back and forth glancing at my watch, then I yelled upstairs to the missus, "Are you ready yet?" Shouting back, she replies, "For crying out loud, I've been telling you for the last two hours that I'll be ready in five minutes!" What’s all that about then?



The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side. She said, "What are you doing with those?" He looked her in the eye and said, "This isn’t going to take all day, is it?"



His request approved, the BBC News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go.' The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot,   'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'  'Why?' asked the pilot. 'Because I'm a photographer for BBC News 24,' he responded, 'and I need to get some close-up shots.' The pilot was strangely silent for a moment. Finally he stammered, “So, what you're telling me is ...... You're NOT my flight instructor?”

                            

1. Open a new file in your computer. 2. Name it "Boris Johnson". 3. Send it to the Recycle Bin. 4. Empty the Recycle Bin. 5. Your PC will ask you. "Do you really want to get rid of
"Boris Johnson?" 6. Firmly Click "Yes." 7. Feel better? Tomorrow we'll do Diane Abbott.



On a university exam, students were asked to explain the difference between ignorance and apathy. The professor had to give an "A" to the student who wrote "I don't know and I don't care."



BT rang me up and curtly informed me that if I didn’t pay the overdue bill within the next seven days, then I would be disconnected. I told them that “Your bill is in a queue.”

 

                                     

If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com

 

Gross aggrandised annuity.....

 

                          

Barmy Albert attended an interview for a tripe inspector at Scropton Street Abattoir... "Now this is the verbal part of your employment test," said the interviewer. "Can you tell me what gross aggrandized annuity means?" "Certainly," replied Albert. "It means I don't get the job."



Nora Non Stick just texted and asked me, "What does IDK stand for?" I texted back and sez, "I Don't Know." She replied saying, "OMG! Nobody does!"



I attended a showbiz bash and had a drink with The Beach Boys. It was all going quite well until we had to ascertain whose round it was!



Paul Simon was also in attendance. I sez to him: “Paul, what was that massive hit you had in the 80’s?” He replied: “Call me Al.” I sez: “Al, what was that massive hit you had in the 80’s?”

                                               
                                           

Sir Miles Platting, the famous Mancunian author was on tour in Australia for launch of his new book. In a book shop in Sydney, there was a line of fans, all clutching the book for signing, one by one. The next in line was a lady who said ‘Emma Chissett’ and the author carefully wrote ‘To Emma Chissett’ and signed the page. The lady retorted, ‘No, Emma Chissett!’ The author replied, ‘Sorry, have I misspelled your name?’ With exasperation, the lady said once more. ‘No, Emma Chissett. What’s the price?’



I wonder what happens when a doctor’s wife eats an apple a day!



Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again...



The sales geezer in the furniture store told me that the sofa could seat up to five people without any problems. It was only then that I realised that I genuinely don’t know five people without any problems.



Olympic Sailing Results are just in! Britain have taken gold. USA have taken silver. Somalia have taken a wealthy middle-aged couple from Weymouth....



BREAKING NEWS.......A Manchester cinema was robbed yesterday. Police are urging witnesses to come forward. Two masked gunmen escaped with an estimated total of £2,250 in goods. It’s believed the men have made off with four hot dogs, 2 medium Cokey-Cola’s, a family size popcorn and a bag of Nachos...



A tired young doctor got off a night shift at the hospital and stepped into a bar called "Dick's" across the street for a drink. "Hey what can I get you?" asked Dick. "How about a daiquiri?"
The bartender makes a drink and slides it down the bar. He takes a sip and loves it. "Whoa! That's great. What's your secret?" "A little bit of almond extract. Gives it a little something extra." The two hit it off and a lifelong friendship develops. One night the doctor enters and like clockwork the bartender goes to make his favourite drink only to realize that all the almond extract is gone. Thinking on his feet he substitutes it with a little hickory on hand.The doctor takes a sip. A little confused, he takes another... "Is this an almond daiquiri, Dick?" "No, it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."

  

 

Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Avoid lollygaggers, wastrels, scallywags and knaves. Learn to chop wood into nice little squares. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, then let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it. So, now you know! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!

Eschew obfuscation....

 

                                                

Barmy Albert was playing “This little piggy” with his grandson and when he got to “This little piggy stayed at home.” his 5 year old grandson asked: “Why? Was he pinged?”



In 2019, when leaving the house, one would remember to take their keys. phome, purse or wallet. However, in 2021, you have to remember keys, phone, purse/wallet, mask, hand sanitizer, Dettol wet wipes, machete, garlic, silver bullet, rabbits foot, stress ball and holy water. If you want to make your own holy water, then just boil the hell out of it.



I heard on the grapevine that Craig David is over in Japan helping Britain’s archery team to hopefully win their first Olympic gold medal in the event. He's not actually taking part; he's just their bow selector.


                                              

Fascinating Fact: Remember when we used to queue up at a fair to see the fat tattooed lady? Now they’re everywhere! Who’d a thowt it!



Top Tip: Have a nice lie-in and skip work today. Treat yourself to a full English breakfast and then saunter up into Scropton Street, go into The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub and have a few sherbets with all your furloughed friends and self-employed serial SEISS grant claimants. After you’ve eventually gone back home, binge watch Netflix until the early hours with a bottle of fine Malbec. You’ll find that it’s a much more magical way to spend your day! You heard it first here folks!



Q) How do Mexican folk keep warm in winter? 

A) With chicken fajitas!



Boris reckons that a good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.



The proprietor of the restaurant drove up in his brand new state of the art Range Rover Evoque and one of the waiters was mesmerised and couldn't stop admiring it. "What a fantastic car," sez the waiter excitedly. "Well," replied the boss,”If you work hard, be punctual and put the hours in, then I'll have an even better car next year."



A recent study by Manchester University found that folk who take their coffee black are more likely to exhibit psychopathic traits. Whereas, people who order a quad shot, non-fat, vanilla soy, extra foam, light whip with a caramel drizzle are most likely to be their victims.

                                             

Quote of the week: Tolerance will reach such a level that intelligent people will be banned from thinking, so as not to offend the imbeciles." Dostoievski



Never mind electric or hybrid vehicles. I have just bought the latest car which runs entirely on ferret’s urine I had a slight disaster yesterday, when I accidentally filled it up with weasel.

 

My forward planning exercise for 2021: Exercise extreme caution in whatever you do. Be curious. Go outside. Go to bed early. Hydrate. Breathe from the epiglottis. Eat happy. Develop a routine that is flexible enough to live with. Be kind to folk. Accept that not everyone will like you, but appreciate those that do. Don’t be defined. Allow for margins of error. Want what you already possess. Shout a resounding YES! To the things that help you live and NO! to the stuff that gets in the way of life.Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or email me; comedianuk@sky.com  Now get back to working from home!