Boris backtrack blunder....

                                

Boris has decreed that he is extending the roadmap from June 21st to 5th July and that we can only visit any countries that voted for us in the Eurovision Song Contest! Whitby here we come. Wahay! Staycations all round!



Boris was visiting an old folk’s home purely as a publicity stunt to show how sympathetic he was to the Covid problem in the elderly. He went up to nonagenarian Elsie Grabknuckle, who was in a wheelchair and sez: - “Do you know who I am?” “No, I don’t” she replied “but if you ask Matron, she will tell you.”



Oi! All you Millennials! If you think that you’re smarter than the previous generation, then think again! Fifty years ago, the owner’s manual of a car showed you how to adjust the valves. Nowadays, it warns you not to drink the contents of the battery! That’s coz you can’t fix stupid!



The taxi driver spouted inane drivel from the moment he picked me up. A barrage of unrelenting addlepated blather assaulted my lugholes. He informed me: “I just love my job, me. I’m self-employed. I’m my own boss and nobody ever tells me what to do.” I sez to him, “Next left here, mate.”



Last weekend, I visited a horrible pub called The Fiddle. It really was a vile inn....

                                            

Barmy Albert bought Non-Stick Nora a dozen pair of knickers that were on sale cheap up Scropton Street pound shop. They were all the same colour. Nora opined: “Why all the same colour? Folks will think I don’t ever change my panties!” Albert replied “Which folks?”



A mechanic owned a dog called ‘Mace’. Mace had a habit of eating all the grass on the mechanics lawn, so the mechanic had to keep the canine inside. The grass eventually became overgrown. One day, the mechanic was working on a car in the backyard and accidentally dropped his wrench in the long grass. He couldn’t find it and it was getting dark, so he decided to call it a day. That night, Mace escaped from the house and promptly devoured all the grass in the backyard. The very next morning, the mechanic went outside and spotted his wrench glinting in the early morning sunlight. Upon realising what had occurred, he gazed up to the heavens and proclaimed: “A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound that saved a wrench for me!” I’m here all week, folks!



The missus asked me what would stop the stairs creaking. Apparently, Weightwatchers was the incorrect answer. She fell downstairs last week and I thought Eastenders was starting!
                                  



Top Tip: If you’re being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead!



The missus didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday, so the UPS bloke knocked on our door to check she was okay.



Fascinating Fact: A dozen, a gross and a score plus three times the square root of four, divided by seven, plus five times eleven, is nine squared and not a bit more....

Have you ever wished for a clean and shine polishing product that would shift the canker from a rabid armadillo’s snout and make it really gleam? Yes? Then you need to get yourself a Lifebuoy! Reorganize your priorities, firstly visit my website www.Comedian.ws, it ain't gonna hurt, is it? 

                                   

The Portugese Variant....

 

                                       

Breaking: Worrying number of people with the Portuguese variant coming through Manchester Airport. Symptoms to look out for : Blue nose and a face like a slapped derriere.



Dominic Cummings reckons that Matt Hancock has made between 15 and 20 mistakes during the pandemic and that he has many faults. Hancock should come clean and admit it. If I had any faults I would admit it. Luckily, I don’t have any.



I was in B & Q. I sez “I want to buy some nails.” He replied “Do you want round heads or oval heads?” I sez “Round heads.” He asked “How long do you want them?” I sez: “I want to keep them....”



Up Scropton Street, where I am domiciled, the walls are very thin and I can hear everything the young couple say next door. Last night, he said to her: “Your eyes are so beautiful, they should be gilded. Your nose is so beautiful, it should be gilded. Your mouth is so beautiful, it should be gilded.” I sauntered round and knocked on the door. He asked me: “Who are you?” I sez: “I’m a gilder...”



People from the Netherlands are Dutch, but are native to Holland. They don't speak Hollandish or Netherese. It's all double Dutch to me. Non Stick Nora isn’t a Duchess, but she has got a face like a Norse. Moreover, I've just been reading that, by law, you have to have your headlights on when it's raining in Sweden. This has got me thinking. "Who the hell is going to let me know when it's raining in Sweden?" Or was it Swindon? I’m not sure now, but it is raining, so it is. Furthermore, if you have just handled a Swedish bank note, could you contract the Krona virus? It’s all so confusing!

                                      

In order to raise much needed funds, the British Eczema Association have launched a scratch card. I’m itching to buy one, but don’t want to make a rash decision.



I came home yesterday, only to find the missus stood in the garden while the fire brigade extinguished the flames in our kitchenette. I sez to the wife, "Why on earth didn't you phone me?" "What could you have done?" she opined. I replied, "Well, I could have gone to Wetherspoons and got summat to eat there." That’s when the fight started!



Thought for Thursday: When you swim up a creek and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray...



I read an article about using vodka for cleaning around the house and it worked a treat! The more vodka I drank, the cleaner the house looked. Try it folks!



Yesterday, I had a day out and went to visit the Air and Space Museum. There was nothing there! It was just all air and space. It was so disappointing. Then to compound an already unfortunate farrago, I ventured to the zoo. There was nothing there, except for one mangy dog. It was a Shih Tzu. I’ve decided that I’m staying in today. Quarantine isn’t so bad after all... 

If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com

 

 

                                       

 

The Scottish Variant!

                         

Breaking: When a Ryanair flight was forced to land in Belarus and a journalist was arrested and forced off the plane in handcuffs, all the other passengers demanded an upgrade...

Next month on June the 21st should see the end of lockdown in the UK, unless Boris backtracks yet again. Incidentally, June 21 is the 172nd day of the year in the Gregorian calendar; If you don’t believe me, ask Greg or Ian.



Boris has said that although it’s okay to go abroad on holiday, you should stay here. The pubs are all now open, but it’s advisable that you remain at home and have a Scotch egg.



Planning a trip somewhere interesting in the UK? There’s a place in Alnwick, Northumberland called The Poison Garden. It the most dangerous garden in the world and contains over 100 species of deadly plants, such as strychnine, hemlock and nightshade. I’m wondering if they have a gift shop because the wife’s birthday is coming up....



It is indeed a first for everyone on the planet. There’s never been a global pandemic of such immense proportions as the Covid-19 farrago, it is unprecedented. We will always remember where we were on 23rd of March 2020 and it will be a milestone in all our lives. Read below for more ‘firsts’....

                                   

I was at Seymour Phunbumps Lap-Dancing Emporium and pandemonium ensued when somebody sneezed and the venue was immediately put on total lockdown! I had no option but to voluntarily quarantine myself for two weeks, with all these nubile, voluptuous, scantily clad young women, in order to prevent the spreading of this malicious COVID-19 malady. I texted the missus: ‘I am under coronaviral quarantine. If I’m not back home in a fortnight, then read this text again...’



I remember the first time I went to the pub with my dad. He asked me what I wanted to drink and I said:”A diet Coke, please dad.” He shouted: “You’re not having a girls drink on your first time in a pub!” I replied: “ Okay. I’ll have whatever you’re having.” He gazed at me with pride and sez to the barman: “Two normal Cokes, please.” Who’d a thowt it?



I clearly recollect my first ever girlfriend. I knew I’d scored, because her name was Annette! I took her back to my house and after many awkward attempts at cuddling, she opined: “You’ve never removed a girl’s bra before, have you?” Totally embarrassed, I asked her whatever gave her that impression and she replied: “The scissors...”
                                       

Talk about folk not observing social distancing. I was sat in the park on a bench, when this bloke just appeared and sat right next to me! I didn’t acknowledge him and carried on looking forward and whispered “Did you bring the money?”



Generally, I don’t have to bother about social distancing, because as soon as other folk see me, they cross over the road or disappear down some back ginnel. In retrospect, it was like that before the pandemic, so nothing has changed!


                           

Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius meandering or chutzpah sauntering. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com