The Golden Days by Steven P. Taylor.

The Displacement Syndrome....

     
                                     

                             
"When I was just a little boy,
I asked my mother, what would I be,
Would I be handsome, would I be rich,
Here's what she said to me..... "

"NO!"

RIP Doris Day.                  

The missus had just got back from the garden centre, and I was busy watching Countdown, so was unable to assist her with unpacking the car and she was in a foul mood. As she was unloading various sacks of compost, she picked up a set of 4 solar garden lights, and proclaimed: 'I'm going to shove these where the sun don't shine'. I sez: 'Well, they're not going to work then’.... That’s when the fight started!

                                                         

It becomes evident that you've put on a lot of weight, when you sit in the bath and the water in the toilet rises...

ʇno ʇı ɯoɥʇɐɟ oʇ ƃuıʎɹʇ 'punoɹɐ puɐ punoɹɐ ǝuoɥdı ɹǝɥ ƃuıuɹnʇ uǝǝq s,ǝɥs ƃuıuɹoɯ sıɥʇ ןןɐ ˙uʍop ǝpısdn uǝʇʇıɹʍ sı ʇɐɥʇ ǝƃɐssǝɯ sıɥʇ snssıɯ ǝɥʇ ʇuǝs ı


Thought for Thursday: "The Law locks up the man or woman, who steals a goose from off the common, but leaves the greater villain loose, who steals the common off the goose."

                                   

I just adore the free stuff that you get in hotels. Like shampoo, shower gel, soaps, tea, coffee, toilet rolls, 52” Plasma TV’s, electric kettles, Corby Trouser Presses, comfy chairs , duvets, fluffy towels ,copper piping and brass taps and lead flashing from the adjacent church roof et cetera.

                               

The last thing my grandad said to me, before he kicked the bucket was; "How far do you think I can kick this bucket?


Quiz of the Week: A skirmish erupts during a wedding reception. This bloke pulls out a hand gun and shoots his grandfather, brother and uncle; however there is only one dead body. How is this possible? Answer: The wedding was held in Norfolk. Give us a high six!

                                   

Mary Berry Recipe Book! I tried to make octopus soup, yesterday, but it turned out to be an absolute disaster! It took me well over an hour to get the squirming, ambidextrous critter in the pan and then when I eventually got it up on the hob, the little devil kept turning the gas out!
                                               

Quote of the Century: “If you are first, you are first. If you are second, you are nothing.” Bill Shankly.


A copper stopped a Scouser coming out of Currys PC World. “I have reason to believe that you have been shoplifting, so I’m going to perform a search. Now tell me, do you have anything sharp in your pockets?” The Scouser replied, “No, officer. Only Sony and Panasonic!”
                       

"When you were a little kid remember how difficult it was just to get a Kit-Kat? Well high up on the kitchen worktop, unless your mum was really fastidious, then they'd be right on the very top shelf of the kitchenette cabinet, miles out of reach. Absolutely nowhere on the wrapper of a Kit-Kat does it say, 'Keep out of reach of small children.' Where's the Domestos bleach and the Mr Muscle? Under the sink, right next to the rest of all the toxins."

Being an adult is a most unenviable existence. Some folk cannot let go of the past. Bailiffs are a notable example. Don’t forget the hordes of people meandering around Tesco, muttering to themselves: “I can’t believe I’ve forgotten the flamin’ carrier bags again!”

                                   

                                         

Life is akin to a party. You invite loads of people, some leave really early, whereas many stay all night long, some laugh with you, some laugh at you, and some show up very late. But in the end, after the fun, there are a few who stay to help you clean up the shambles. Generally, they aren’t even the ones who created all the turmoil. These people are not just your true friends in life. They are the only ones that matter. I am your friend and you can visit my website 24/7. Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com. You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!

                                   

Ban The Bun!

                             

My 22 year-old daughter Suzie asked me, “What was your favourite fast food when you were a kid?” “We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,” I informed her. “All the food was slow.” “C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?” ”It was at a place called home,”' I explained. “Mum cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate, I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.” By this time, the lass was laughing so hard I was afraid she was going to suffer serious injury, so I didn't tell her the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.



When Suzie was about 12 years old she asked me: “Daddy, will you take me to McDonalds Restaurant?” I advised that I would, but only if she could spell it. She thought for a moment and sez: “Let’s go KFC then!”

                                                    

I got the missus a bag of B & Q Multi-Purpose compost for her birthday. She went mad and chucked it at me. Typical woman. Give 'em the earth and they throw it in your face. This scenario reminds me of when Barmy Albert bought Non-Stick Nora a beautiful diamond ring for her birthday. I sez to him: "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4 x 4 Range Rover Evoques” Albert looked at me and replied: "She did, but where was I going to find a fake Range Rover Evoque?"



A mother finds a glossy magazine under her son’s bed while bottoming the skirting boards in his room. It’s all about spanking, sado-masochism and bondage. Understandably disturbed, she immediately shows the magazine to her husband. "Well?" his wife asks. "What do you think we should do?" “I’m not certain," replies the father. "But we shouldn’t be giving him a good hiding, that for sure!"

                                        

Riddle me this: Why is it that everything in the English Channel belongs to us, except the fish?



Thought for Thursday: If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.



I entered my local paper's pun contest. I sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

                                              

I saw some absolutely disgusting behaviour on the beach at Llandudno last weekend.

A man and a woman were having an argument in front of loads of kids. Suddenly the woman smacked the guy in the head and it all kicked off royal. There was a massive brawl and someone called the police. This poor copper turned up on his own and took his truncheon to the man; the guy managed to snatch it off him and began assaulting the copper and his wife. Then out of nowhere a crocodile crept up and stole all the sausages.



                                  

If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com

                                   

The Lucid Dream....

                                               

I had this lucid dream last night. It went thus: There was a rat-a-tat-tat at my front door last night and when I opened it, it was a badger from the woods opposite my house. “What do you want?” I asked him. He gazed at me, with a saturnine grimace and replied: “I’ve been in hibernation all winter and just surfaced. I’d just like to know what happened with all that Brexit gubbins?” I didn’t know what to say.   I took him to a local restaurant and we had the sett meal for two.



I’ve been overwhelmed with an urge to visit Tameside Hospital and assist in the maternity unit and help deliver babies. I told my doctor all this and she reckons that I’m going through a midwife crisis.

                                             

Have you ever walked into a room with some purpose in mind, only to completely forget what that purpose was? Turns out, doors themselves are to blame for these strange memory lapses. Psychologists at the University of Manchester have discovered that passing through a doorway triggers what's known as an ‘Event Boundary’ in the mind, separating one set of thoughts and memories from the next. Your brain files away the thoughts you had in the previous room and prepares a blank slate for the new locale. Thank goodness for studies like this. It's not our age, it's that flamin’ door! Did I tell you about this already? Do we put the bins out tonight, or is it tomorrow?



I was sauntering down Scropton Street yesterday morning and spotted this bloke who was on crutches and wearing a camouflage jacket. I said to him, “You can hide, but you can’t run!”



Our local council reckon they're losing £30 million a year in unpaid parking fines. If they halve the cost of a fine, they'll only lose £15 million.


                                       

I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me. My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable. It seemed to take an age, but eventually there she was, standing beside me. I gave her a loving smile and said, "Get that trolley over here love. They're doing two cases of Stella Artois, for the price of one!"


                                    

I bumped into my next-door neighbour Barmy Albert on the High Street. He had two black eyes. I asked him what had happened." He replied, "I was standing behind a rather large woman at the supermarket checkout, I noticed that her dress was caught in the nape of her derriere, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye." "Where did you get the other shiner from?" I politely enquired. "Well I figured she preferred it the way it was before, so I pushed it back in."




                                        

I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing, retraced my footprints, got waylaid on my return journey and now I haven’t got the foggiest idea of what’s going on. We need another referendum to find out. You can find out all sorts of comedic paraphernalia by visiting my website. Clickety-click on: www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now get back to work!

Climate Change?

The Brexiteer....

                                        

Over Easter, I went to a new restaurant, ‘The Brexiteer’. Gave my order to the waitress and the chef served something entirely different!



The wife has been missing for well over a week now and the police called this morning and told me to expect the worst. So, I’ve had to go to the charity shop and get all her clothes back.



I was up Scropton Street languishing in my local pub, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife, when the barman asked me: "What would you like?" "What would I like?" I informed him: "An end to all this Brexit gubbins, maybe a general election, if we can’t leave the EU without a deal. Perhaps, a bigger house, more money and a missus that doesn’t nag as much." "No!" exclaimed the barman patiently. "I meant what do you want?" "To win the Euro Millions lottery or for my mother-in-law to emigrate to a far pavilion and for my daughter Suzie to do well in her job!" "What's it to be?" says the barman, less patiently. "A boy or a girl, I really don't care." "You misinterpret what I am saying," sez the barman, now impatiently, "I only asked what you want to drink." "Oh," I exclaimed, I see. Why didn't you say so? What have you got?" "Nothing at all," sez the barman. "I had a full medical last week and the doctor reckons that I'm perfectly healthy."



When asked by a police traffic officer, "Do you know you were speeding?" The 83-year-old woman gave the young officer an ear to ear smile and stated: "Yes, but I had to get there, before I forgot where I was going." The officer put his ticket book away and bid her good day.

                                      

The day before yesterday, I waved at this young lady outside Wetherspoons, because I thought she had waved at me. I then ascertained that she had actually waved to another bloke, who was behind me. In a futile attempt to escape from an embarrassing scenario, I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to Terminal 2 at Manchester Airport. I am now in Japan, starting a new life....



Me, behave? Seriously? As a child I saw Tarzan almost naked, Cinderella arrived home after midnight, Pinocchio told lies, Aladdin was a thief, Batman drove over 200 miles an hour, Snow White lived in a house with seven blokes. Popeye smoked a pipe and had tattoos, Pac Man ran around to digital music while eating pills that enhanced his performance, and Shaggy and Scooby were mystery solving hippies that always had the munchies. The fault is not mine!

                                           

If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma. If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com






                             

The Brexit Farrago....

                 

When Theresa May sees light at the end of the Brexit tunnel, she orders more tunnel!   The reason why politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the shambles they have themselves created during this EU farrago. The elections on May 2nd give us the opportunity to rid ourselves of these knaves, rascals and self-serving charlatans.


                                     

Barmy Albert sauntered up Scropton Street into The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife pub and ordered a pint of Farquarharsons Old & Filthy Best British Bitter Beer. He then proceeded to insert a £1 coin into the fruit machine. The machine coughed, then spat the quid coin out and a voice from within the bandit shouted “You’re a right ugly cretin you are and your breath smells putrid!” He stepped backwards in utter shock and staggered to the bar, where there was a bowl of nachos, as he nibbled on one, a voice from the bowl sez:”May I say that you’re very well dressed and you look 20 years younger than your actual age. That’s also a magnificent tie that you’re wearing!” He told the Bert the barman all this and Bert sez:”Sorry about that Albert, the nachos are complimentary, whereas the fruit machine is out of order...”



Thought for Thursday: I must be an optimistic pessimist, as I look forward to thinking the worst!

                             

Breaking News: ASDA have announced that they are to create 12,000 new jobs in the UK. The Polish Prime Minister is said to be "Absolutely delighted!"



I got home really late last night and the missus was on the prowl with a rolling pin. One has to think on one's feet on these stressful occasions, as quick as a flash I sez “Sorry I’m late, my darling, but they had a competition in the pub to ascertain who had the most fantastic partner, and I got to the final.”
                                           

I asked the missus: "What is your esteemed opinion on the present state of English football?" "It's really appalling," she replied. "Absolutely bobbins" "More than likely," I sez, "but let's hear it anyway....."

                             

I was driving past Strangeways Prison yesterday and spotted a dwarf clambering down a rope on the wall.
I thought "Well that's a little condescending"

Exactly 107 years ago today, all British newspapers published massive headlines with regard to the disaster: ‘Titanic Sinks on Maiden Voyage – Thousands Feared Dead!’ The Sholver Gazette, however, carried a much more conservative and subtle approach in its reporting of the incident. A little column at the foot of page 27 read: ‘Stalybridge Man Drowns.’

                                           

Fascinating Fact: Scientists have discovered that both women and cats will do exactly as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.


                                                 

                                                           

The accounts described in this gloppy column are merely recollections of the author, and may or may not represent actual occurrences or involve those named in the text, such as Non-Stick Nora and Barmy Albert. Any resemblance to real people is entirely deliberate, and in accordance with apocryphal law, accounts that are undisputed more than three minutes after this newspaper is printed become incontrovertible truths. Visit my Jokey-Blog via: www.ComedianUK.com. You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, behave yourself and get back to work! The summer is a comin’!