A few of this months gigs....

Work From Home & Earn £££££'s!

                                             

               

Dear Ben Doon & Phil McCavity,

I am responding in reference to your recent email correspondence regarding the immediate need
and willingness to train and develop even non-experienced individuals in local and international markets for a work at home enterprise. I am interested in your uncapped commissions, bonuses and residual income from
repeat business and I'm sure that I meet your criteria for self-motivated individuals. As a matter of fact, I was motivated enough in just the past year to find five different jobs, many of which I lost through the sack. All of my supervisors even told me that I was so good that they were going to have to let me go because I had brought all the other employees to my level. Pretty impressive, huh?

Although your opportunity is enticing, I am unable to send you a remiitance of twenty-five quid at this time and I would like to take this opportunity to inform you that I already work from home. I cook, clean the scullery, rinse the windows, do laundry, mow the lawn, trim the privets and now you want to pile more stuff on me? And to think that you want me to send you money so you can tell me how to do it. Are you Radio Rental?

So, unless you want to send me the information for free, do the work for me and send me a regular cash incrementals, please don't waste my time with any more of your ridiculous missives telling me how I can be rich for twenty-five dabs. How many people have sent you twenty-five quid? I hope at least one person does so that  you can at least get back your investment.

Yours Ever,

Everard Farquarharson.

                   

Grab-A-Granny Night....

                                    

BREAKING NEWS: Manchester United have confirmed Sir Alex Ferguson no longer needs intensive care and is recovering well. Apparently, Wayne Rooney has been to visit him yesterday. "His speech is improving and he can almost string two words together" said Sir Alex....



Barmy Albert was meeting Dastardly Derek at Grab-A-Granny  night, and as he went in, he noticed two old wimmin looking at him. "Nine," he heard one whisper as he passed. Feeling pleased with himself, he swaggered over to his waiting buddy and told him an octogenarian lady had just rated him a nine! "I don't want to burst your bubble,"Derek replied, "but when you came in, they were speaking German."
                                               

Tameside & Glossop - Panic gripped the streets of Ashton-U-Lyne last weekend when patches of sky took on an unusual blue colour and a ball of fire appeared above the town. The phenomenon, known as 'The Sun' and commonly found in Mediterranean countries, unleashed a terrifying heat and brightness upon the township, causing many pedestrians to take off their hats and scarves, while motorists were able to turn both their headlights and wipers off. Theresa May urged people to be calm and return to work as normal stating: "We've seen this sort of thing before", she opined, "but it never lasts." There are forecasts that 'The Sun' could be seen throughout the weekend but a spokesman for No.10 said, "I wouldn't hold my breath."



When she was only five years old, I recollect playing tooth fairy when my daughter, Suzie, suddenly woke up. Seeing the money in my hand, she cried out, "I caught you!" I froze and tried to think of an explanation for why I, instead of the tooth fairy, was putting the money under her pillow but her next words let me off the hook. "You put that money back!" she said indignantly. "The tooth fairy left that!”

                                                      

Still on the subject of kids, a four year old son was eating an apple in the back seat of the car, when he asked, "Daddy, why is my apple turning brown?" "Because," his dad explained, "after you ate the skin off, the meat of the apple came into contact with the air, which caused it to oxidize, thus changing the molecular structure and turning it into a different colour." There was a long silence. Then the son asked softly, "Daddy, are you talking to me?



Fascinating Fact: Money won't buy happiness but it will pay for a large staff to study the problem.



Why do they put "Out of Order" signs on escalators? Why not just say ‘Temporarily Stairs’?

                                              

The BBC have confirmed that they are to broadcast live coverage of the World Hairdressing Championships. I'll probably just watch the highlights.


                                              

What's more fun than a barrel of monkeys? Why, that would be reading this gloppy but funny column in this fantastic newspaper! Besides, monkeys bite, scratch and are prone to occasionally spitting. If you opt for the monkeys, be sure to be up to date on your rabies and tetanus vaccines and remember that you should never monkey around with another monkey’s monkey! You can visit my website though and troll my now famous ‘Jokey-Bloggington’. Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com


                                                     

Gravity Always Lets Me Down....

                   

YOUR HELP IS NEEDED!!

I saw a report recently, about how gravity, which is a nonrenewable
resource, is gradually diminishing. Top scientists agree...  "With the
present rate of consumption, the earth's supply of gravity will be exhausted
before the 24th century."

There is a direct link between the vanishing of the ozone layer and decrease
in the earth's gravity supply. We're already seeing the effects of the
disappearance of the ozone layer, but we're not likely to see the effects of
vanishing gravity during our lifetimes. However, our children will probably
have to deal with the issue.

It is interesting to think of some of the results science has yet to
consider. The obvious impact will be on engineering (like keeping bridges
and buildings weighted down), but what about sports? Breaking records for
the high jump will become easier. Football kicks will likely grow longer and
an 82-yard field goal will not be unheard of. Limbo dancing will be more
difficult and even Louis Anderson will be able to run the hurdles.

Until scientists discover a cheaper alternative, we need to help...


                               
PLEASE CONSERVE GRAVITY
Follow these simple suggestions:
(1)  Walk with a light step. Carry helium balloons if possible.
(2)  Use tape, magnets or glue instead of paperweights.
(3)  Give up skiing and skydiving for more horizontal sports like curling.
(4)  Avoid showers & take baths instead.
(5)  Don't hang all your clothes in the closet. Keep them in one big pile.
(6)  Stop flipping pancakes

This is no joke. What could be more serious? After all gravity is the
opposite of comedy! You may be laughing now, but just picture your great
grandchildren wearing safety tethers, unable to play outdoors for fear of
floating away in a wind storm. Please be gravity conscious.

                 

Etch-A-Sketch Tech Support

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has a distorted display.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create an empty New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I Exit without Saving?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has lines that prevent me from doing my art project.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I keep from losing my Etch-A-Sketch documents in the middle of my
work?
A: Stop shaking it....

                                

The Abbott Additions...

BREAKING NEWS: Manchester United have confirmed Sir Alex Ferguson no longer needs intensive care and is recovering well. Apparently, Wayne Rooney has been to visit him yesterday. "His speech is improving and he can almost string two words together" said Sir Alex....

Kids, listen up! If you want a puppy dog, then start out asking for a horse. Kids do the funniest things. When she was at primary school, I believe my young daughter wanted a pair of glasses. I never knew why she did.. Perhaps glasses were "cool" then to have in school? But though her eyesight was just fine, she still maintained that she needed glasses. I took her to Specsavers just to check it out though. She was asked to read the bottom row of letters on the eye chart. She sez, "All right, I can see the 'O' and the 'P' and the 'T,' but not the 'N' and the 'Z.'"

When my daughter was three years old, I recollect going to Manchester shopping and when we returned home, I discovered that she had a chocolate bar in her pocket. Now, I didn't buy it and she certainly didn't, so I marched her straight back to the shopping centre and let her loose in the jewellers.

I surveyed 100 women and asked them what brand of shampoo did they use while showering. 98% of them said: "How the hell did you get in here?!?!"
                                               

Breaking News: The inventor of predictive text was injured in a traffic accident. He's been bacon by ambience to the horse piddle...

Inside me there is a really skinny bloke just screaming to get out. I can usually shut him up with a bar of Cadbury’s Fruit and Nut! Moreover, I love all of God's creatures, especially those next to the roast potatoes!

                                                   

                       
Nothing is more annoying than that moment during an argument when you realise you’re totally wrong.

The missus phoned me and sez, "Where the devil are you?" I replied, "You know that jewellers on the High St, where you saw that diamond bracelet that you fell madly in love with?" She said "Oh yes, I do!!" I sez, "Well, I'm in the pub, next door to that jewellers".

                                     

If Aliens looked down from their spaceship and witnessed humans picking up dog excrement who would they think are the dominant species?

In promulgating your esoteric cogitations or articulating your superficial sentimentalities, and amicable philosophical or psychological observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity. Let your conversational communications possess a compacted conciseness, a clarified comprehensibility, a coalescent cogency, and a concatenated consistency. Eschew obfuscation and all conglomeration of flatulent garrulity, jejune babblement, and asinine affectations. Let your extemporaneous descantings and unpremeditated expatiations have intelligibility and voracious vivacity without rodomontade or thrasonical bombast. Sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity, pompous prolificacy, and vain vapid verbosity. In short "Be brief and don't use big words."

I always watch Diane Abbot when she's on the BBC Breakfast News. You can't beat a good chortle to start your day

                                           

They say that the pain during child birth is so great, A woman can almost imagine what a man with a cold feels like.

Quote of the week: My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's. - Oscar Wilde.

Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius meandering or chutzpah sauntering. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com
                                             

Definitions by Gender....

                              

 GUBBINS:
 female: Any part under a car's bonnet.
 male: A fastener on women's clothing.

VULNERABLE:
 female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
 male: Playing football without a jockstrap.

 COMMUNICATION:
 female: The sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
 male: Leaving a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the
boys.

 BUM:
 female: The body part that "looks bigger" no matter what is worn.
 male: What you slap when someone scores a goal.
 Also good for mooning.

 COMMITMENT:
 female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
 male: Trying not to pick up other women while out with girlfriend.

 ENTERTAINMENT:
 female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
 male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

 FLATULENCE:
 female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
 male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male
 bonding.