Kids, listen up! If you want a puppy dog, then start out asking for a horse. Kids do the funniest things. When she was at primary school, I believe my young daughter wanted a pair of glasses. I never knew why she did.. Perhaps glasses were "cool" then to have in school? But though her eyesight was just fine, she still maintained that she needed glasses. I took her to Specsavers just to check it out though. She was asked to read the bottom row of letters on the eye chart. She sez, "All right, I can see the 'O' and the 'P' and the 'T,' but not the 'N' and the 'Z.'"
When my daughter was three years old, I recollect going to Manchester shopping and when we returned home, I discovered that she had a chocolate bar in her pocket. Now, I didn't buy it and she certainly didn't, so I marched her straight back to the shopping centre and let her loose in the jewellers.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what brand of shampoo did they use while showering. 98% of them said: "How the hell did you get in here?!?!"
Breaking News: The inventor of predictive text was injured in a traffic accident. He's been bacon by ambience to the horse piddle...
Inside me there is a really skinny bloke just screaming to get out. I can usually shut him up with a bar of Cadbury’s Fruit and Nut! Moreover, I love all of God's creatures, especially those next to the roast potatoes!
Nothing is more annoying than that moment during an argument when you realise you’re totally wrong.
The missus phoned me and sez, "Where the devil are you?" I replied, "You know that jewellers on the High St, where you saw that diamond bracelet that you fell madly in love with?" She said "Oh yes, I do!!" I sez, "Well, I'm in the pub, next door to that jewellers".
If Aliens looked down from their spaceship and witnessed humans picking up dog excrement who would they think are the dominant species?
In promulgating your esoteric cogitations or articulating your superficial sentimentalities, and amicable philosophical or psychological observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity. Let your conversational communications possess a compacted conciseness, a clarified comprehensibility, a coalescent cogency, and a concatenated consistency. Eschew obfuscation and all conglomeration of flatulent garrulity, jejune babblement, and asinine affectations. Let your extemporaneous descantings and unpremeditated expatiations have intelligibility and voracious vivacity without rodomontade or thrasonical bombast. Sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity, pompous prolificacy, and vain vapid verbosity. In short "Be brief and don't use big words."
I always watch Diane Abbot when she's on the BBC Breakfast News. You can't beat a good chortle to start your day
They say that the pain during child birth is so great, A woman can almost imagine what a man with a cold feels like.
Quote of the week: My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's. - Oscar Wilde.
Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius meandering or chutzpah sauntering. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com
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