If Les Dawson Knew Ricky Gervais....

             

Non-Stick Nora goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the dishes of the day. The waiter wheels over a trolley and the Nora examines the dishes.

"I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" says the Non-Stick Nora. "Okay" replies the waiter and calls out "Gervais!" Suddenly, as if in a surreal dream sequence, Ricky Gervais appears, dressed as a chef! He carries a large carving knife, the waiter instructs Ricky to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip. Ricky Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running down its little face. Ricky is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid. "Not to worry" says the waiter, and calls out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen. "Madam," says the waiter, "This is Hans, the pot washer. Hans, kill that squid!" The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry. "I am sorry madam, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling. "Well sir," says the waiter, "It just goes to show. That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais. With mild green, hairy lip squid!" I'll get me hat and coat...


                                   

 

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom. The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely. After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little dust broom! "Impossible!" said the groom broom. "We haven’t even swept together!" Maybe they should have just lived over the brush.

                           

1.Cats do what they want, when they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They’re totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play they want to be left alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They’re moody and sullen by nature.
9. They leave their hair all over the shop.
10. They drive you crackers.
Conclusion: Cats are small women in fur coats.

                       

Have you ever had an overwhelming desire to stand in the centre of the living room and just whiz around in circles but you were concerned that you’d get quite dizzy? Of course you have. Haven’t we all? Why doncha visit my website? Just click on www.ComedianUK.com  and peruse my all new Jokey-Blog. You know it’s the right thing to do. All the cool kidz are at it! You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com

             

Let That Sink In!

             

The barmaid in Wetherspoons asked me if I had been to see the dentist. I sez, "Yeah, how did you know?" She replied, "It's that sticker on your shirt that says ' I Was Brave'......"



                           

I told Non-Stick Nora, that I had bought a theatre. She exclaimed "Are you havin’ me on? " I sez, "I’ll have to give you an audition first, however, I can't promise anything!!..”


                                       

I bought the kid a jigsaw and when I come home later that night, she’d only plugged it in and sawn the coffee table in half....


                           

I have always thought that women would make excellent soccer referees. Imagine the scenario, she gives a red card to a player who immediately remonstrates and asks “What was that for, Ref?” She would put her hands on her hips and reply “ If you don’t know, then I’m not going to tell you!”



My mum ran off with the milkman when I was younger. Watching them drive away on his float was the worst three hours of my life. His name was Ernie.

                                   

The teacher asked the class what their favourite animal was, and little Albert sez, "Fried chicken." She said that wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. Albert’s parents always told him to always tell the truth. He did. Fried chicken was his favourite animal. Albert told his dad what had happened, and he said his teacher was probably a member of RSPCA. He said they love animals very much. Albert did too. Especially chicken, preferably the fried variety. Anyway, his teacher dispatched him to the headmaster’s office. Albert told him what had occurred, and he laughed, too! Then he told me not to do it again. The next day in class the teacher asked Albert what his favourite live animal was. He told her it was chicken. She asked him why, so he told her it was because you could make it into fried chicken. She sent Albert back to the headmaster's office. The headmaster chortled and told Albert not to do it again. Albert couldn’t comprhend. His parents taught him to be honest, but his teacher doesn't like it when he is. Today, his teacher asked the class to tell her what famous person they admired most. Albert told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I he is now...


                                 

I stepped back in amazement and the fella behind me stepped back further because he was amazed at how far back I'd stepped, primarily because I was exasperated with the same old boring jokes that are still being circulated around the pub and at work? I’m sure you are too , but no, not me. No sirree! I like the same old boring jokes and that's why I print them right here in this gloppy humour column every available chance I get. Accept me for what I am; completely unacceptable. Click on my joke blog: www.ComedianUK.com or better still email me: comedianuk@sky.com Oh, and If your phone didn’t ring yesterday, then it was me! Start the car!

           

The Rolling Pin Over The Cranium Syndrome....

            

I got home really late last night and the missus was on the prowl with a rolling pin. One has to think on one's feet on these stressful occasions, so quick as a flash I sez “Sorry I’m late, my darling, but they had a competition in the pub to ascertain who had the most fantastic wife, and I got into the finals.”



Do you think ITV phone-in competitions are too easy?
A- Yes
B- Sausage
C- The Incredible Hulk.





LADIES! Listen up! When a man tells you he'll do a job round the house, then he WILL do it! There is absolutely no need to keep reminding him every six months..



The missus sez, "You always blame everyone else when things go wrong."
I replied, "And whose fault is that?"



Eighty five year old Bessie bursts into the recreation room at the retirement home and announces "Anyone who can guess what’s in my hand can make love to me tonight" An elderly man shouts from the back of the room "A caravan !" Bessie thinks for a minute and says "Close enough!"



A three-legged dog walked into a Texas saloon bar in Dodge City, Texas. He sez "I’m lookin’ for the man who shot my paw"



I have always thought that women would make excellent soccer referees. Imagine the scenario, she gives a red card to a player who immediately remonstrates and asks “What was that for, Ref?” She would put her hands on her hips and reply “ If you don’t know, then I’m not going to tell you!”



In an Indian restaurant last night having a meal, waiter came over and sez, “Curry Okay?” I replied, “Go on then, I'll do just one song then I'm off.”'




Thought for Thursday: All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy and Jill a rich widow.



I was sitting at home on the sofa with the missus and I sez, "I love you." She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?" I replied, "It's me ............. talking to the beer."





I stepped back in amazement and the fella behind me stepped back further because he was amazed at how far back I'd stepped, primarily because I was exasperated with the same old boring jokes that are still being circulated around the pub and at work? I’m sure you are too , but no, not me. No sirree! I like the same old boring jokes and that's why I print them right here in this gloppy humour column every available chance I get. Accept me for what I am; completely unacceptable. Click on my joke blog: www.ComedianUK.com or better still email me: comedianuk@sky.com Oh, and If your phone didn’t ring yesterday, then it was me! Start the car!



                                

Kicking The Bucket....

                   

Breaking News: A man died at a Midlands chocolate factory yesterday. Apparently, a pallet load of boxes toppled over and crushed him. An eye-witness said, “He screamed, ‘The Milky Bars are on me!’ However, everyone just cheered and threw their hats in the air!” It’s all so sad. Moreover, it would appear that the biggest cause of death, is being surrounded by your family.

                 

Still on the subject of mortality, my great-great-great-great grandpapa lost his life at Custers Last Stand. He didn't have anything to do the the actual battle, he was camping in a nearby field and went over to complain about all the noise...



After much forethought, I’ve made my mind up and decided on a change of career. I'm going to university to study astrology. I have applied for a Russell Grant.

                       

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, little Albert stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Albert?' 'No, miss, I don’t, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!' She noticed that Albert wasn't too strong on his maths. She called him and said, 'Albert, what are 1 and 3 and 15 and 71?' Albert quickly replied, 'BBC1, ITV, FILM4 and the CBEEBIES!'



I was languishing at the bar in my local pub, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife, when a girl came up to me."Fancy buying me a drink?" She cooed, "Of course," I replied. "But only if you let me choose." "Okay," she grinned. "But how will you know what I want?" "Well, it's kind of a talent," I smiled. "All I do is look a person up and down and I know exactly what drink suits them best.""Right," she giggled. "You can choose for me. "So I turned to the barman and said, "Diet coke please, mate."
                   

A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Essex in the early hours of Tuesday with its epicentre in Basildon. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Well wicked innit!" The hurricane decimated the area, causing approximately twenty quid’s worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Giros arrived. Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop. "Where are you bleeding from?" they asked, "Romford" said the girl, "Woss that gotta do wiv you, innit?"



Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you go slower. Do you have more fun or do you just get more light? Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work. Spring has sprung! Assume a comical position and strike the pose. All the cool kidz are at it!

                                 

Thoughts For Thursday.....

My goal for 2015 was to lose just 10 pounds. Only 15 to go.

Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza.



How to prepare Tofu:

1. Chuck it in the bin.

2. Grill some Meat.



I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spiders web.



I don't mean to brag but …… I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours and 20 minutes.



A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.



Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.



Senility has been a smooth transition for me.



Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school?

Me neither.



I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented … I forgot where I was going with this.



I love being over 50. I learn something new every day ……. and forget 5 others.



A thief broke into my house last night …… He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.



My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like: I KNOW!, Right?



I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.



PS: Sunday, March 27th, 2016 begins Daylight Savings Time. Don't forget to set your bathroom scale back 10 pounds on Saturday night.

          

British Summertime Starts Here!

Just a quick reminder, folks: Don't forget that April Fool’s Day has been moved to 2nd April because of the leap year....
               

Shortly after I took off on an Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston a few weeks ago, air hostess nervously announced that the catering department made a terrible mistake. A big mix-up she said. Although 226 passengers on board they received only 80 dinners. She apologised, but said that anybody who is kind enough to give up their meal to somebody who is hungry would receive free unlimited drinks for the remainder of the flight. The next announcement came 2 hours later when she said, ' If anybody is hungry we still have 80 dinners available'.

Everyone was panicking on Easter Sunday, because they had to remember to put all clocks in the house forward one hour. I certainly didn’t lose any sleep over it. Moreover,  while we're all tucked up in bed on Saturday night, spare a thought for the poor National Trust staff who will be working tirelessly throughout the night to move the giant stones "forward" an hour at Stonehenge. They have to do this twice a year, you know? Last year the rope snapped on the Jeep.....




                         

I sez to the missus, “If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.” “Now why would you want me to do summat like that?” she asked. “Well, I reckon that you would eventually remarry and I don’t want some cretin using my stuff.” She looked at me and said, “What makes you think I’d marry another cretin?”

                               

As I was sauntering down Scropton Street yesterday evening, I called into The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife public house. It was very busy because it was ‘Grab-A-Granny night. I said to the barman, 'I came in here twenty years ago, with my late father.' He said, 'Sorry, mate, I'm serving as fast as I can!

                       

Non-Stick Nora is beginning to wonder if time really is a great healer. She sez that Barmy Albert fell down the stairs three day ago, and he still hasn't moved yet...



                                   

Doncha just love new technology? We’ve got one of those Smart Showers in the upstairs bathroom that lets you know when the missus is filling the kettle downstairs. Fascinating!



                       

We’ve had the builders in over the last few weeks and they are very untidy. Masses of rubble and other construction related detritus was blocking the front path. I sez to Dave, the builder, “I’d like to have a skip on the driveway.” He looked at me and replied, “Do whatever you want to.”



The bloke who lives next-door-but-one is an RAC patrol man. Every single day I see him going to work and he is always crying and looking so upset. To be honest I think he's heading towards a breakdown. I'm here all week, folks!

                               

I was in a very busy Supermarket the other day, and I said to this voluptuous young lady, 'I can't find my missus, can I talk to you for a few minutes?' She said, 'Of course you can, but how will that help find your wife?' I said, 'I'll bet you anything she'll appear out of nowhere'






                         

If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com My life is based on a true story.


                                     

The Real Robbers...

                  

During a robbery in Guangzhou, China, the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank: "Don't move. The money belongs to the State. Your life belongs to you."

Everyone in the bank laid down quietly. This is called "Mind Changing Concept” Changing the conventional way of thinking.


When a lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her: "Please be civilized! This is a robbery and not a rape!"

This is called "Being Professional” Focus only on what you are trained to do!

When the bank robbers returned home, the younger robber (MBA-trained) told the older robber (who has only completed Year 6 in primary school): "Big brother, let's count how much we got."

The older robber rebutted and said: "You are very stupid. There is so much money it will take us a long time to count. Tonight, the TV news will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!"

This is called "Experience.” Nowadays, experience is more important than paper qualifications!

After the robbers had left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly. But the supervisor said to him: "Wait! Let us take out $10 million from the bank for ourselves and add it to the $70 million that we have previously embezzled from the bank”.

This is called "Swim with the tide.” Converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage!

The supervisor says: "It will be good if there is a robbery every month."

This is called "Killing Boredom.” Personal Happiness is more important than your job.

The next day, the TV news reported that $100 million was taken from the bank. The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count $20 million. The robbers were very angry and complained: "We risked our lives and only took $20 million. The bank manager took $80 million with a snap of his fingers. It looks like it is better to be educated than to be a thief!"

This is called "Knowledge is worth as much as gold!"

The bank manager was smiling and happy because his losses in the share market are now covered by this robbery.

This is called "Seizing the opportunity.” Daring to take risks!

So who are the real robbers here?