The Rolling Pin Over The Cranium Syndrome....

            

I got home really late last night and the missus was on the prowl with a rolling pin. One has to think on one's feet on these stressful occasions, so quick as a flash I sez “Sorry I’m late, my darling, but they had a competition in the pub to ascertain who had the most fantastic wife, and I got into the finals.”



Do you think ITV phone-in competitions are too easy?
A- Yes
B- Sausage
C- The Incredible Hulk.





LADIES! Listen up! When a man tells you he'll do a job round the house, then he WILL do it! There is absolutely no need to keep reminding him every six months..



The missus sez, "You always blame everyone else when things go wrong."
I replied, "And whose fault is that?"



Eighty five year old Bessie bursts into the recreation room at the retirement home and announces "Anyone who can guess what’s in my hand can make love to me tonight" An elderly man shouts from the back of the room "A caravan !" Bessie thinks for a minute and says "Close enough!"



A three-legged dog walked into a Texas saloon bar in Dodge City, Texas. He sez "I’m lookin’ for the man who shot my paw"



I have always thought that women would make excellent soccer referees. Imagine the scenario, she gives a red card to a player who immediately remonstrates and asks “What was that for, Ref?” She would put her hands on her hips and reply “ If you don’t know, then I’m not going to tell you!”



In an Indian restaurant last night having a meal, waiter came over and sez, “Curry Okay?” I replied, “Go on then, I'll do just one song then I'm off.”'




Thought for Thursday: All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy and Jill a rich widow.



I was sitting at home on the sofa with the missus and I sez, "I love you." She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?" I replied, "It's me ............. talking to the beer."





I stepped back in amazement and the fella behind me stepped back further because he was amazed at how far back I'd stepped, primarily because I was exasperated with the same old boring jokes that are still being circulated around the pub and at work? I’m sure you are too , but no, not me. No sirree! I like the same old boring jokes and that's why I print them right here in this gloppy humour column every available chance I get. Accept me for what I am; completely unacceptable. Click on my joke blog: www.ComedianUK.com or better still email me: comedianuk@sky.com Oh, and If your phone didn’t ring yesterday, then it was me! Start the car!