Celebrity X Eclipse....

Joined this magnificent vessel in Copenhagen last Wednesday, (I reckon that whoever invented the word Wednesday also came up with February!) and was immediately besotted with this fine ship.  I did three 11-30pm late night gigs in the Comedy Central Club and received a standing ovation each night.  Although I was allowed to do the same act each night, I tried out some new material that I had been working on and ended up performing 3 x 1 hour shows!  Many thanks to Jennifer (Production Manager) and Ian (Cruise Director) for all their help and advice.  Click on link below for a virtual tour.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=52KKu6V3v8A

Crazeridden!

The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase. "What happened ?" she asks anxiously

"What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home and guess what I found ? Yes, your daughter, my Jean, with a naked guy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

"Calm down, calm down!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. " I told you there must be a simple explanation ..... she didn't receive your E-mail!"

Don Alfonso's Tweezers....

How embarrasing! I was actually refused service last night on the grounds that I'd already had too much.
It's bad enough when it happens in the pub, but this was at the Chinese chippy on Scropton Street.

It must be awful if you worked at the Job Centre. Imagine, if you got the sack, you'd still have to show up the following day!

Aliens landed in Gorton and said to this bloke:"Take me to your dealer." The fella sez, "Don't you mean leader?" The alien replied, "We're in Gorton, I know what I mean!"

I called round to my next-door neighbour earlier on and sez, "Will you have my children? I'll only be a few minutes, I promise." "Of course I can," she replied. I sez, "That's brilliant! Get your kecks off then."

Decided to go trainspotting last weekend. It's a doddle! They are f***ing massive and make a load of noise..

I was really squashed up next to a young blonde woman on the train from
Manchester this morning. She sez to me that I was 'Creepily close'.
Well, if there had been someone else in the carriage, I'd have asked for their opinion. But there wasn't. So I couldn't...

When the surgeon went through my records, he advised me: "This procedure has certain risks. Although you'll certainly regain the sight in your eyes, there is a chance it will affect your ability to maintain an erection." I said, "Why's that then?" He sez, "Your missus is a right ugly f***er"

My mates fruit and veg shop has just gone into liquidation. He makes smoothies now.

Did you know that I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet.

Statistics prove that one in every three women is just as difficult and argumentative as the other two...

Whilst walking the dogs round the reservoirs this morning, I heard a bloke in the water furiously splashing about and screaming, "I can't swim, I can't swim!" I pointed to a sign and shouted, "Don't worry mate, It sez here 'No Swimming Allowed'."

I cleared out my grandmothers house today, I put the good stuff on E-Bay and I took the rest down to the charity shop, I then went to the estate agent and put her house on the market, I can’t wait to see her face when she gets back from Bingo.

The point of living and of being an optimist, is to be foolish enough to believe the best is yet to come. - Peter Ustinov.

I was observing a group of women talking at the bar in Wetherspoons last night, so I strolled over and shouted, "He really is such a f***ing arsehole." Suddenly I was part of the group!

I've discovered summat the wife's arse looks really good in. The fucking distance....

I was in a bar with my mate Dave last night, when we noticed a group of girls sat in the corner.
So without any hesitation at all, we started dancing near them. After about 10 minutes I wiped the sweat off my forehead and said, "Dave, I don't think this is working." "Me neither," he replied breathlessly, "Perhaps we could do with some music."

If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk ..

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk ..

a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation


Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk . .

a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate

Things that are COMPLETELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk ...

a) Thanks for the offer, but I don't want to come back to your place.
b) Nope, no more beer for me, I've had enough.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination.
I) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
k) Look, it would be great to sleep with you but I hardly know you.
l) That guy is looking at my wife but I am sure its just because he knows her or something. I'm not going to worry about it.
m) That chair looks wobbly and dangerous and I certainly wouldn't try balancing on it with this short skirt on in case I fell off.
n) I must get to my bed as I could never have a really good sleep in that hedge / pavement / skip.
o) I really believe in staying sober
p) I honestly don't think the rest of the city centre wants to see my bare arse.
q) No..you are not my bestest mate in the whole world. I've only known you for a few hours.
r) I'm sure those young women are extremely intelligent and have wonderful personalities.
s) Im sure my feet would be damaged for life if I take my shoes off and walk all the way home.
t) A cocktail followed by 4 tequilas ....surely that would be no good for my insides.
u) Me? go for a pee in the mens toilet because the ladies queue is too long? I don't think so.
v) I`ll just have a big glass of water before I go to bed so I don't have a hangover in the morning.
w) Of course I'm happy to pay the boundary charge, driver.
x) There goes last orders, just make mine's a coke.
y) Flipping heck.
z) Chip shop ? No thanks, I'm on a low fat diet.





______________________________________________________________________

So this is what Weight-Watchers is really all about???

A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss programme.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
... She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her.
A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.


He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound programme.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me."
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.
This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.
So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound programme.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous programme."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular black guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,"If I catch you, you are mine!!!"


He lost 63 pounds that week !!!

Carnival Legend ~ Punchliner Comedy Club 18th July 2013

Fancy one up the Baltics missus? Tomorrow, I fly to Hamburg, then a short hop to Warnemunde to join the magnificent vessel that is Carnival Legend. 

I'll be Performing in the Punchliner Comedy Club, with George Lopez. The ship will be visiting Helsinki, St. Petersburg and Tallin, Estonia. 

Pip Pip! Back in middle of next week innit!

Manchester Gubbins....

Flew from Tallinn to Helsinki, then onto Manchester (T1) and the luggage never arrived. Had to fill out a form, it took absolutely ages. Where it had 'comments' at the bottom, I wrote ' My suitcase just vanished into Finnair'.

I whistled at them, they didn't come , I threw them a stick, they ignored it , I shouted 'roll over', 'din-dins' 'heel'. Nothing. I told them to sit up and beg , no response was the answer. As far as I'm concerned all that means is that I can definitely get another day out of these boxer shorts....

I was at the Manchester Art Gallery with my crazeridden neighbour Barmy Albert and we saw a portrait of a geezer who had fuzzy hair and bore the legend 'Garfunkel' on a brass plate underneath. Barmy Albert said, "It's okay, but is it Art?"

This morning, I contacted the Manchester Royal Infirmary to let them know that if my wife's condition should deteriorate, I give my permission for them to switch off the life support machine. They curtly informed me that it ain't an option for a sprained ankle....


This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.  He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day.  "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead.  And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying: "This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and  get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem.
'Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."  She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat." "O.K." says the voice on the radio....  "Repeat after me: Our Father. . Who art in Heaven. . . ...."

Laura fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks and pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate rendezvous in the dental clinic after hours.  But one day he said sadly, "Laura, honey, we have to stop seeing each other. Your husband's bound to get suspicious."  "No way, sweetie, he's dumb as a post," she assured him. "Besides, we've been meeting here for six months now and he doesn't suspect a thing."

"True," agreed the dentist, "but you're down to one tooth!"

The missus went out on her mate's hen party last night. There were strippers, huge amounts of alcohol and plenty of sex going on.  Now it's time to tidy this place up, she'll be home soon.

I met a fella call Bob last night in the pub.  "So tell me, what's Bob short for?" I sez.

"It's short for Robert" he replied.  "No mate," I said," I meant are you a dwarf or summat?"

If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com