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Monday 5 August 2013

Don Alfonso's Tweezers....

How embarrasing! I was actually refused service last night on the grounds that I'd already had too much.
It's bad enough when it happens in the pub, but this was at the Chinese chippy on Scropton Street.

It must be awful if you worked at the Job Centre. Imagine, if you got the sack, you'd still have to show up the following day!

Aliens landed in Gorton and said to this bloke:"Take me to your dealer." The fella sez, "Don't you mean leader?" The alien replied, "We're in Gorton, I know what I mean!"

I called round to my next-door neighbour earlier on and sez, "Will you have my children? I'll only be a few minutes, I promise." "Of course I can," she replied. I sez, "That's brilliant! Get your kecks off then."

Decided to go trainspotting last weekend. It's a doddle! They are f***ing massive and make a load of noise..

I was really squashed up next to a young blonde woman on the train from
Manchester this morning. She sez to me that I was 'Creepily close'.
Well, if there had been someone else in the carriage, I'd have asked for their opinion. But there wasn't. So I couldn't...

When the surgeon went through my records, he advised me: "This procedure has certain risks. Although you'll certainly regain the sight in your eyes, there is a chance it will affect your ability to maintain an erection." I said, "Why's that then?" He sez, "Your missus is a right ugly f***er"

My mates fruit and veg shop has just gone into liquidation. He makes smoothies now.

Did you know that I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet.

Statistics prove that one in every three women is just as difficult and argumentative as the other two...

Whilst walking the dogs round the reservoirs this morning, I heard a bloke in the water furiously splashing about and screaming, "I can't swim, I can't swim!" I pointed to a sign and shouted, "Don't worry mate, It sez here 'No Swimming Allowed'."

I cleared out my grandmothers house today, I put the good stuff on E-Bay and I took the rest down to the charity shop, I then went to the estate agent and put her house on the market, I can’t wait to see her face when she gets back from Bingo.

The point of living and of being an optimist, is to be foolish enough to believe the best is yet to come. - Peter Ustinov.

I was observing a group of women talking at the bar in Wetherspoons last night, so I strolled over and shouted, "He really is such a f***ing arsehole." Suddenly I was part of the group!

I've discovered summat the wife's arse looks really good in. The fucking distance....

I was in a bar with my mate Dave last night, when we noticed a group of girls sat in the corner.
So without any hesitation at all, we started dancing near them. After about 10 minutes I wiped the sweat off my forehead and said, "Dave, I don't think this is working." "Me neither," he replied breathlessly, "Perhaps we could do with some music."

If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website and continue the quest! Email

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