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Wednesday, 28 August 2013

Scarf Face....

Are You unnoticed? Get a new scarf. Do you sit unnoticed on the sidelines while others are picked? Try the latest scarf fashion and you too can be the centre of attention......


I spotted ths gawjus bird in Wetherspoons last night and I went up to her and told her that I would love to get into her knickers. She gazed ait me and sez, "No thanks dude, I have one arsehole in there already!

The missus triumphantly announced this morning: "Look at this. I've had it for over ten years and it still fits me!" I sez, "It's a scarf, ffs!"

The attractive air stewardess came up to me and sez, "would you like some headphones?" I replied, "yes please. But how did you know my name was phones?"

Norwegian bloke on holiday in North Wales and his hire car breaks down, so he phones the AA. The AA mechanic sez, "it looks like you've blown a seal." The Norwegian fella replies, "So what! You lot shag sheep!"

A delivery guy just turned up with a roll of bubble wrap. "Where do ya want this, mate?" He shouted. "Just pop it in the corner." I sez. He's been there for over two hours now!

The missus is adamant! She has told me in no uncertain terms that if she catches me surfing any more porn sites on the PC, she's gonna bang my head on the keyboardfftgbbbmkiugrewcvmkiugfddmkkjyrfm. ThggggfvmgewwwfbmSDFGHytrerdgkm)(tgsd345^&*09kRCASM,\AHJHdfghjETYJghksk07gh>
I told her straight: "I may not be wealthy, I have no money or yacht, I have no villa, or a Bentley Turbo,
or a massive property portfolio like my mate Dave, but I love you and I absolutely adore you."  She looked at me with tears in her eyes and hugged me like there is no tomorrow and whispered in my ear ...
"If you really loved me, you'd introduce me to Dave"

I got an ADHD Television. I can't watch it for very long....

Life is fickle: One day you're a nobody, then the next day, you still are.

Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer fa├žade, you would find either genius irritated or cleverness wriggling. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, assume a comical position, and then strike the pose!

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