When one door closes....

                                                      

Why don’t they take Trump to Alaska, tell him it’s Greenland and that it’s now part of America? This would save a lot of kerfuffle, and they could even do a ribbon-cutting exercise and give him a little trophy for good measure.

My favourite coat is falling apart, and I'm going to have to throw it out, or sew its seams. It’ll be gone, but knot for cotton.

The wife told me that she’d made the chicken soup, which was a relief, because I thought it was for us. She’s a terrible cook. She uses the smoke alarm as a timer!

My Grandad always told me that when one door closes, another one opens. He was a clever bloke, but a lousy cabinet maker. He passed away on his 90th birthday. We only got up to 62 on the bumps!

Barmy Albert and young Woody Eckerslyke went out to play golf. Albert noticed that Woody only had one ball. “Don't you have at least one other golf ball?" Albert asked. Young Woody replied that he only needed the one. "Are you sure?" Albert persisted. "What happens if you lose that ball?" Woody sez: “This is a very special golf ball. I won't lose it, so I don't need another one." Well," Albert asked, "What happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?" "That's okay," Woody replied, "This special golf ball floats. I'll be able to retrieve it." "Well, what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?" “That's okay too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I'll be able to get it back, no problem." Exasperated, Albert asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?" "No problem," Woody answered, "You see, this ball is luminous. I'll be able to see it in the dark." Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, Albert asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?" With all the dignity that he could muster, Woody replies, "I found it."

                         

 

Non-Stick Nora saunters into Scropton Street Shoe Emporium and asks for a pair of alligator shoes. The salesman told her that they would cost over £500! After becoming frustrated with the salesman, she said, "Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!' The shoe salesman replied with a sly smile, "Well, Nora, why don't you go give it a try?" Nora headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home and spotted her standing waist-deep in the murky water, catapult in hand. He saw a huge nine-foot gator swimming rapidly towards her. With lightning reflexes, Nora took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead alligators, all lying belly up. The salesman watched in amazement as Nora struggled with the beast. Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed, “OH NO! – THIS ONE IS BAREFOOT TOO!”

THURSDAY QUIZ: Q) What do you call the preserved remains of a caveman cleaning his teeth?

A) A flossil.

Q) What do mermaids use to wash their fins?

A) Tide.



When I was a little kid, and left the door wide open, my mum used to ask me if I was born in a barn, which is really odd, because you’d think that she would’ve remembered something like that

                                           

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