That Was The Year That Was!

                                     

My New Year's resolution is to stop using spray-on aerosol deodorant. Roll On 2026! I remember going to see Dr Hook in 1976. It was the worst prostate examination ever!

Breaking News: Sam Allardyce has been appointed as the President of Venezuela until the end of the season.

Fascinating Fact: Before I got married, I was unaware that there was an incorrect way to eat, drink, sleep, chew and breathe, et cetera.

I went to the doctor with a nasty cough, and he asked me, "Have you started smoking again?" I replied: "No, why?" He sez: "That’s a shame. I'm selling 200 Lambert & Butler for forty quid.” After completing a thorough medical examination from the doctor, I asked, "Well, Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor replied: "That's what puzzles me.Anyway, I have your test results back. It would appear that you have early onset rigor mortis.”

Barmy Albert always had an aversion to milk since he was very young. He still maintains this peccadillo right up to the present day. It’s because his mother ran off with the milkman when he was just a little kid. Watching them drive away on his float was probably the most miserable two hours of his entire life. Then just yesterday, Non-Stick Nora sez to him, “Nip to the Co-op and get a litre of milk and if they have eggs, get a dozen.” Albert duly returned, and Nora started ranting and raving at the poor soul, “You absolute moron! Why the heck have you brought back twelve litres of milk, for God’s sake?” With all the dignity Albert could muster, He replied, “They had eggs….”



If my body were a car, I would definitely be trading it in for a more state-of-the-art model. I've got bumps, dents, scratches and my paint job is splattered with varicose veins. My headlamps are out of plonk. My traction isn’t as graceful as it once was. My head cloth is now grey. My gearbox is just about seized up. It takes me hours to reach maximum speed. I overheat for no reason. But worst of all is that every time I sneeze, cough, or laugh, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

Non-stick Nora and Barmy Albert were having trouble remembering things, so they decided to visit their doctor to get checked out and ensure everything was okay. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the difficulty they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they are physically okay but might want to start writing things down and making notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night, while watching TV, Albert got up from his chair and Nora asked, "Where are you going?" Albert replies, "To the kitchenette." Nora asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replies, "Sure." She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He sez: "No, I can remember that." She replied, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He says, "I’m not stupid! I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replies, "Well, I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that, so you'd better write it down." With irritation in his voice, Albert shouts, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember all that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of sausage and baked beans. Nora stares at the plate for a moment and says angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"

I had a tankard of ale with old Tommy Grabknuckle in my local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanley-Knife, and he told me that he’d caught his 12-year-old grandson looking up ladies' skirts. I informed him that they tend to do that at his age. “No.” He opined. “This was on Amazon!”

                               

 

With all the current ridiculous shenanigans occurring in America, has anyone considered unplugging Donald Trump and plugging him back in again, to see if there’s any improvement? There was an American bloke I met in Manchester. He sez: “Hey, boy, ya see that building over there, why back in the States, we have buildings a hundred times bigger!” I replied: “I’m not surprised, it’s a lunatic asylum!”

I bumped into young Willy Eckerslyke on Scropton Street back snicket. He had two black eyes. I asked him what had happened." He replied, "I was standing behind a rather large woman at the supermarket checkout. I noticed that her dress was caught in the nape of her derriere, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye." "Where did you get the other shiner from?" I politely enquired. "Well, I figured she preferred it the way it was before, so I pushed it back in again."

Next week is Awareness Awareness Week. If you are unaware of awareness and would like to be more aware of the fact that you are unaware, then Awareness Awareness Week could be for you.

I’m currently reading a book on DIY house construction, by Bill Jerome Holmes.