It's what he would have wanted,,,,

                                       

If any of my readers know someone who can correct botched cosmetic surgery, I’m all ears…

All the pipes at home were frozen solid last week, and we had no water for a couple of days. The domestic supply was the bottled variety, and we conserved it as much as possible. The missus put a note in the bathroom, which read: ‘Save Water! Don’t forget to put in Percy Plug before turning on Tommy Tap. I wrote underneath, “And don’t put too much Sammy Soap on Fanny Flannel!” That’s when the fight started!

The wife (or Shrek in a frock, as I lovingly refer to her) informed me that she had been to an Ann Summers party, whatever that is. Apparently, it's just like a Tupperware party, but with batteries. She purchased some really odd items. She bought some edible underwear and a pair of handcuffs. I don’t eat her cooking, so I’m not going to eat her vest, am I? She made a rhubarb pie last week, it was two foot long and one inch wide! She reckoned that if we went upstairs and I handcuffed her to the bed, I could do anything that I desired. So, I handcuffed her to the bed, then I went down to Wetherspoons.

There’s a recipe by Mary Berry, and she says that you can use ‘leftover beer’ to make battered chicken wings. What exactly is leftover beer? I was also trying to construct Mary Berry’s Octopus soup. What a flamin’ fiasco! They have suckers on their tentacles, so I couldn’t get it off the tiled Kitchenette floor! It took me two hours to get the little critter in the pan, then when I eventually got it up on the hob, it kept turning the gas off!

                                       

  

I’m uncertain what is more horrifying. What is happening in our world, or the number of folks who are unconcerned with what is happening in our world?

I got a lot of abuse from mourners at my friend's funeral last Friday. He died from drowning, and I took a floral wreath in the shape of a life jacket. Although everyone thought that it was in poor taste, it’s exactly what he would have wanted…

Barmy Albert was in his local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife and was stuck on the crossword. Non-Stick Nora asked him what the clue was, and Albert replied: “Comedy actor who sang My Boomerang Won’t Come Back.” Nora sez: “I know this one. It’s Benny Hill.” Dastardly Dennis, the barkeep, advised: “It’s Charlie Drake.” Nora told him: “It couldn’t have been Charlie Drake. She’s the one who does the gardening programme without a bra,” Barmy Albert replied, “No. You’re wrong again. That’s Alan Titmarsh.”

Thursday Quiz: I am the first on earth, the second in heaven. I appear twice in a week, although you can only see me once in a year. What am I?

Liverpool Police pulled over a local Toxteth lad and were flabbergasted to discover that the vehicle was taxed, had a current MOT and was fully and comprehensively insured. The car wasn’t stolen, and no drugs or stolen merchandise were found in a thorough search. The driver was breathalysed and was sober, he possessed a full licence and no points. A police spokesman said: “We had no other option but to fine him £80 for wasting police time.”

Fascinating Fact: Koi carp always swim around in groups of four. If a predator attacks them, Koi’s A, B and C scatter quickly, leaving behind the D Koi.

Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has many, not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some. Charles Dickens.