The hound wanted to go out in the early hours, and I couldn’t sleep, so I put on BBC News 24. At that unearthly hour, it becomes the sign zone for deaf folk and features a woman in the right-hand corner of the screen who thinks she can dance. She also rapidly translates the news agenda into Sign Language. Last week, there were horrendous storms in the Lake District, and she had three attempts at Cockermouth before abandoning the process completely.
Fascinating Fact: Many teenagers actually turn into competent drivers. Moreover, if you’re a competent driver, then keep a lookout for turning teenagers!
In my local pub, the Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife last week, Dastardly Derek, the barkeep, shouted: “Do anyone know CPR?” I yelled back: “I know all those letters!” Everybody laughed, except this one bloke….
Brooklyn Beckham is of the profound opinion that he had it tough growing up. I reckon that we all had it much harder because we had to listen to his mother sing.
Young Willy Eckerslyke was absolutely paralytic drunk, his shirt was torn, and he had lipstick marks all over his face, as he staggered onto the 237 bus in Stalybridge and flopped down right next to a priest. He pulls out his iPhone and, after doomscrolling for a few minutes, turns to the priest and sez: “Father, do you happen to know what causes arthritis?” The priest gazes at him with a saturnine grimace and sternly replies: “Arthritis, my son comes to those who have strayed from the path of righteousness and who sleep with fallen women and abuse alcohol!” Young Willy is astounded by this answer and replied: “ Seriously?” He goes silent and stares thoughtfully through the window. The priest starts feeling guilty about being so harsh to this vulnerable young man and softens his tone. He asked: “Well alright my son, how long have you had arthritis?” Young Willy sez; “I don’t have it. I was just reading a news item that says the Pope suffers from arthritis.”
Life has taught Barmy Albert two important lessons. He doesn’t remember the first one anymore, but the second is that you should write everything down! Non-stick Nora and Barmy Albert were having trouble remembering things, so they decided to visit their doctor to get checked out and ensure everything was okay. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the difficulty they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they are physically okay but might want to start writing things down and making notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night, while watching TV, Albert got up from his chair and Nora asked, "Where are you going?" Albert replies, "To the kitchenette." Nora asks, "Will you get me an ice cream?" He replies, "Sure." She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He sez: "No, I can remember that." She replied, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top, with a sprinkling of sugar. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He says, "I’m not an imbecile! I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries and a sprinkle of sugar." She replies, "Well, I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that, so you'd better write it down." With irritation in his voice, Albert shouts, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember all that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bangers and mash. Nora stares at the plate for a moment and says angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot the onion gravy!"
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