Mandelson has let Starmer down; he’s let the Labour Party down, but most of all, he’s let his trousers down. Meanwhile, Starmergeddon continues apace. However, it won’t be for much longer. He’ll be gone by the end of this week.
Young Woody and Willy Eckerslyke have just signed up for a 12-month course on making ladies hats. They reckon that this time next year, they’ll both be milliners.
Whoever named this month February must’ve also had summat to do with the word Wednesday. Maybe their name was Siobhan, and she lived in Cholmondeley or Featherstonehaugh? Moreover, whoever named dentures missed out on an opportunity to call them substhitooths
Breaking News: Yesterday, a security guard tasered a trainee at the Ann Summers branch in Bilbao for sorting the corsets by size. They suspect she was a Basque separatist.
Riddle me this: When will Nigel Farage explain to folk exactly how he’s going to fix Britain whilst employing most of the clowns who broke it in the first place?
I’m starting to think that I’ll never be old enough to know any better…
I had a bloke knock at my door and sez: “I’ve come to tune your piano.” I told him that I’ve never booked him to call. He replied: “I know you haven’t. Your neighbours did!”
I was languishing in my local pub, the Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife, when this young lady told me that if I went outside, she’d show me a good time. I followed her outside, and she ran 100 metres in 9.58 seconds!
When men get drunk, they talk rubbish, become really emotional and like to fight for no apparent reason. I really must applaud women and take my hat off to them. They manage to do all that, without drinking!
Barmy Albert and Tommy Grabknuckle were out playing golf. Albert stood over his tee shot for what felt like forever — lining it up, squinting at the distance, licking his finger to check the wind, the full works. Eventually, his mate, old Tommy, snapped, “Oi! Are you playing golf or writing a flaming letter? Hit it!” Albert opined, “Non-Stick Nora is up there watching from the clubhouse. I want this one to be perfect.” Tommy shook his head in disbelief and replied: “Don’t be daft, mate — you’ll never hit her from here.”
When they got home, Non-Stick Nora asked Barmy Albert to nip to Tesco. Albert sez: "Sure, what do you need?" Nora declared, "We're all out of canned soup, and I want a cauliflower to go with the roast tonight. Oh, and can you drop into Curry's and confirm the delivery time on the new refrigerator?" "Yes, no problem. Anything else?" "Oh, and I need a reel of knicker elastic for the sewing I was going to do. The supermarket stuff is good enough. And while you're there, I need eggs for baking—oh, Birds Eye frozen peas. I want peas and cauliflower as well. Is all that okay?" "Yes, sure." "And," she added, "you're running low on those minty chlorophyll tablets for your bad breath. You'd better stop by the pharmacy." "Right," Albert replied: "So that's... Soup, a cauli, fridge, elastic, eggs, peas, halitosis."
Fascinating Fact: If you were born in the 50’s, raised in the 60’s and made it to 2026, then you’ve lived through eight different decades, two centuries, two different millenia and you’re not even 80 yet!
RIP John Virgo. One of our best men. There’ll never be another. Sleep well, my friend, until we meet again.
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