The Singing Window Cleaner...

                                                        

I just had the police knock at my door; they said that they wanted to interview me. I don’t remember applying for a job. They asked where I was between 7 and 11. I told them that I was at Armitage Street Primary School. All this kerfuffle because the wife’s been missing for a fortnight, and the police called this morning, and they’ve told me to expect the worst. So, I’ve had to go to the charity shop and get all her clothes back…

To the person who stole my Scalextric. What goes around…

Barmy Albert was in the locker room of his golf club when a mobile phone on the table rang, and Albert engaged the hands-free speaker function and began to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. Albert: “Hello.” A woman answers: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?” Albert: “Yes.” The woman continues: “I’m at the Trafford Centre now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?” Albert: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.” The woman replies, “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2026 models. I saw one I really liked.” Albert sez: “How much?” The woman sighed and told him: “£95,000.” Albert thinks for a moment and tells her: “Okay, but for that kinda money, I want it with all the bells and whistles.” The mysterious lady carries on: “Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking £450,000.” Albert sniffed and replied: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but you'd better offer £440K.” The woman is ecstatic and exclaims, “Right-Ho, I’ll see you later! I love you to the moon and back!” Albert sez: “Bye-bye, Gawjus. I love you, too.” Albert then hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he chortles and shouts, “Anyone know whose phone this is?”

Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle visits the doctor and says "Doctor, you need to help me; my brother thinks he's a chicken". The doctor advised: “Why don't you just have him committed to a lunatic asylum?” Elsie replied, "I would, but I need the eggs."

Does anyone know what tea they drink in Greece and Turkey? Every time I offer to make the missus a coffee, she tells me, “I’d rather have Aegean tea.”#

                                  

To the person who stole my glasses. I have contacts…

Fascinating Fact: I’ve only got two, maybe three good Motown puns left in me. Four tops.

I was asked if I wanted to join a Swingers club. I was a tad apprehensive because I haven’t been on a swing since I was 10 years old. For the last decade, I've definitely been on the slide though, albeit in a roundabout fashion. I spotted two policemen hiding underneath the see-saw. Apparently, they’d been tipped off!

Upon attempting a very complex Heston Blumenthal recipe, I asked the butcher, "Have you got any wild ducks?" "No," he replied, "but I've got one that gets really annoyed when I prod it with a wooden skewer."

Exercise and diet programme all–in-one! Take one Weetabix. Take an Aero chocolate bar. Crumble the Aero over the Weetabix. Hey Presto! - Aerobix!!

There was the most abominable racket outside yesterday. Upon inspection, I discovered that it was the window cleaner jumping up and down in a rage, whilst shouting, ranting and uttering a stream of Elizabethan expletives outside my house. I think he's lost his rag. He’s a singing window cleaner. His name is Chamois Davies Junior.