When I was a teenager, I could bleach my Wrangler jeans in the bath, develop film in a darkroom after I'd taken photos with an Instamatic camera, programme a VHS video recorder, repair audio cassette tapes with a pencil, get 78rpm vinyl LP's to stop skipping with a penny. Nowadays, I’m like: “I don’t get how to use this contactless tapping a credit card gubbins….
The missus sez: "You're so lazy! What have you got planned for the August Bank Holiday?" I replied, "I think I'll take the Christmas tree and the decorations down..." That’s when the fight started!
What is the difference between the missus and a crossword? You can normally work out where you went wrong with a crossword....
Willy Eckerslyke met a gorgeous woman in The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife Pub and took her back to her council flat up Scropton Street back snicket. He was just about to disrobe and get more intimate when he hesitated. "What's wrong?" she asked. "We are on the first floor, aren't we?" "Yes. Why?" "I'm sure I've just seen someone walk past the window." "Well, it can't be my husband," she replied, "He's out playing basketball tonight."
Non-Stick Nora’s boss said something to her the other day, which made it impossible for her to go on working for him. He sez to her: “You’re fired!”
Last week, I inadvertently misinterpreted what the missus was endeavouring to convey. I made a terrible error. She requested that I take her to see ‘Pirates of the Caribbean.’ Apparently, dropping her off on the Somalian coastline was not what she really anticipated. It's weird, isn't it, that most men spend the formative years of their lives wishing that women would chat to them, and the balance of their existence, wishing desperately that they would shut up. In fact, after twenty years of marriage, my wife suddenly wanted to swap places in our bed. I must confess, I’ve never seen this side of her before….
It’s quite amazing how life pans out. I fondly recollect my mother always telling me: “Work hard and save your money, until your bank account looks like a phone number.” I hope she’d be proud of me, because I just checked my balance and it’s £9.99 overdrawn.
For my birthday, the missus bought me a pack of ten underpants which were all the same colour. I protested: “Why all the same colour? People will think that I don’t change my undercrackers!” She looked at me with disdain and replied, “Which people?”
The wife texted me a selfie of herself in a new dress and asked me if it made her look fat. I texted back: “Nooo!” Unfortunately, my phone autocorrected it to: “Mooo!.” I’m dreading going home now…
Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle was clearly upset and close to tears when Non-Stick Nora encountered her in the Scropton Street Washerama and Laundrette. She blubbed to Nora that her friend Cynthia had sadly passed away. Nora asked Elsie if there was anything she could do to cheer her up. Elsie sniffled: “Tell me a joke.” Nora replied: “Knock-Knock!” Elsie asked: “Who’s there?” Nora sez: “Not Cynthia!”
On a more personal note, I’m after someone to brush their teeth with me on a daily basis. Because, nine out of ten dentists reckon that brushing alone will not help tooth decay. No weirdos, please.
If you are Hungary, then maybe you should Russian to the kitchenette and Czech the fridge to see if there’s any Turkey in there. I found some, but it’s covered in Greece, and there’s Norway, I can scoff that, so I’m off to the Chinese Chippy.
Embrace your inner child. Run behind a bus to save money, laugh at Kier Starmers cronies, do cartwheels in your floral pantaloons, be angry at anything coloured magenta. Scream because oblongs fall in Tetris, tell the stranger in the checkout at Tesco that she looks like the ladies in daddy’s secret magazines. Have a head full of magic. Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!
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