Some things are better left unsaid...

                                              

The missus phoned me and sez, "I'm just in Tesco getting some milk, do you need anything fetching?" "It depends," I replied, "Did you drive or walk?" She said, ”I walked here." "Right, I'll have six bags of potatoes and four watermelons, please."

Today, I'm wearing pink to raise awareness for folks like me who forget to separate red laundry from white laundry.

Young Willy Eckerslyke goes to a lap-dancing club, and when his mother finds out, she is incandescent with rage. She asked him: “Now, tell me the truth, did you see anything there that you weren’t supposed to see?” With all the dignity that he could muster, he replied: “Yes, I saw Dad!”

Fascinating Fact: Studies at Manchester Metropolitan University show that people with high IQs tend to be lazy, or something like that. I must confess that I didn't read the whole article.

Further Fascinating Facts: Coldplay have not had any singles out in ages, then suddenly they produce two in one night!

Dastardly Denis, the Landlord of my local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanleyknife, told me that he remembers going to bed late one night and he was just nodding off, when the phone rang. He answered it, and it was some drunk ringing from a payphone. He slurred: "Is that the Pitt Bull pub, up Scropton Street?, What time do you open tomorrow?" "Denis shouted: "We open at 12 noon, if you ring me up again at this unearthly hour, then you won't get in!" The drunk replied: "I don't wanna get in. I wanna get out!"

I must say that my hallucinations aren’t getting any better; in fact, I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I reckon that I've taken a tern for the wurst.

                                     

  

Barmy Albert gazed at Non-Stick Nora and declared to her: “I want you to have this bracelet. It’s very sentimental to me, it belonged to my grandmother. It was with her until the very end. She last wore it on her deathbed in the hospital. It was all so sad.” Nora asked him, “What does it say on the inscription?” Albert replied: “Do Not Resuscitate.”

I was in Aldi yesterday and I bought one of those George Formby grills. Not only does it cook hamburgers, but you can also use it to clean the windows.

Quiz of the week:

 Q) How would you say, Robert's terrier has run away, without using the letter ‘R’? 

A) Bob’s dogs bogged off!

I was walking the woofers around Tintwistle reservoirs last weekend, and a woman asked me about my dog. Alfie was running haphazardly in different directions. She politely enquired: “Is your dog indecisive?” I replied: “Well, yes and no!” Alfie disappeared off into a wooded area, upon following him, I discovered a fox with four cubs in a suitcase. I phoned the RSPCA and reported my find. The lady at the other end of the phone asked me if they were moving. I replied: “I’m not sure. But that would certainly explain the suitcase.” Dog Walkers eh! The worst crisps that I ever tasted! I threw a ball for my dog. Extravagant, I know, but it was his 21st birthday!

Thought for Thursday: One machine can be programmed to do the work of one hundred ordinary people. No machine in existence can do the work of one extraordinary person.
                                                

Some things are better left unsaid. Unfortunately, I don’t realise this until after I’ve actually said them. I’ve always appreciated the offbeat characters, the lollygaggers, the odd-balls, the skewiff entities, the wallflower folk, the bizarre rejects, the middle-of-centre activists, the crestfallen, the ne’er-do-wells, the knaves and rapscallions. The snowflake tribes are the bane of society and will be responsible for our eventual undoing. If you concur, then visit my website: http://www.ComedianUK.com and you can also email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!