One evening, Barmy Albert was out in the garage tinkering with his tools, happily welding a flange just for fun. Non-stick Nora appeared and leaned against his workbench, silently observing his every move. After a long pause, she sez: “Honey, now that we’re married, maybe it’s time you stop spending so much time out here. You could sell the welding kit, your silly fishing rods, the golf clubs you hardly ever use, and honestly, that ancient old Harley could go too.” Albert froze, staring at her like she’d just been bobbing for apples in a chip pan. “What’s wrong, Albert?” she asked demurely. “Just then,” Albert opined, “You sounded exactly like my ex-wife.” Nora’s eyes widened. “EX-WIFE?! You never told me that you’d been married before!” Albert shrugged and said, “I haven’t.”
Pretend you’re in Coronation Street by having a clandestine affair with your husband’s brother, then get a cream cake from Roy’s Rolls after being arrested by Weatherfield Police on trumped-up charges of harassment, finally getting released from custody and being shot with an illegal firearm on the Red Rec, getting knocked over outside The Rovers Return, by Steve McDonald in his taxi. Tracy Barlow blackmails you for £10K. Then, shout: “Tara me ducks!” every twenty minutes. Come back, Jack and Vera. All is forgiven!
A Roman centurion walks into a bar and orders a martinus. The barman, confused, enquires: "Perhaps you meant to say martini?" The centurion replies, "If I wanted two drinks, I would have said so”.
Fascinating Fact: Life is like a helicopter. I don't know how to operate a helicopter.
Olympic hammer throwers and shot putters. After retiring from athletics, put your skills to good use by becoming a baggage handler at Manchester Airport.
Q: What kind of shoes do frogs wear? A: Open toad.
I remember years ago, telling my Mum I'd won the "Leslie Nielsen" Award at school. "What that?" she asked. "It’s a big building with lots of teachers and pupils, but that's not important right now".
I always regret never learning another language at school. My poor knowledge of Greek has always been my Achilles Elbow.
A bloke phoned my agency and asked me: “How much to hire a church singing group?” I replied: “You mean a Choir?” He sez: “Right! How much to acquire a church singing group?”
I signed up for one of those Zoom Workout Classes; however, it was far too advanced for me. When the instructor said, “Do a plank, then bring your knee to the opposite elbow.” I did my own modified version. I switched off the computer and went and made myself two bacon and egg butties in the kitchenette. I plan to ketchup later.
The missus left me a note on the fridge. It read: “It’s not working, so I’ve gone to my mothers.” I opened the fridge, got a can of Stella and it was perfectly chilled! Moreover, it was printed on the side of the can: “Best drunk in August 2025.” I’d like to thank the beer company for this most prestigious award.
Meanwhile, in my local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanleyknife, Sharon, the blonde barmaid, asked young Willy Eckerslyke if he had any children. Young Willy replied: “Yes. I have one that’s just under two.” Sharon was most offended. She sez: “I may be blonde, but I know how many one is!”
Conducting a survey, I asked six multi-millionaires what was the key to their success. They all said the same thing. “What are you doing in my house?”
I just hate it when someone rings my doorbell, because I have to drop whatever I’m doing and be really quiet and hide behind the settee, in case it’s the milkman who’s come for his money. Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!
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