Whilst sauntering down Scropton Street yesterday, as I passed the abattoir, I spied a van. The lettering on it said: Robert and Robert - Painters and Decorators. I thought, that sounds like a two Bob outfit to me...
Remember the times before health and safety regulations? Back then it was called common sense. We kids would never have played conkers, if we had to wear a pair of welder’s goggles. We’d have taken up welding or summat.
Barmy Albert keeps saying to me: "Cheer up; it could be hell of a lot worse than it is. You could be stuck deep underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.
Last weekend, I saw an incredibly loud Abba tribute band in the Trafford Centre.
You could hear the drums from Nando’s....
I’ve just walked out of the supermarket and they’re already selling mince pies for next Christmas! Not only that, but the sell by date is next week! It’s a total disgrace!
Non-Stick Nora: " Barmy Albert has a habit of talking in his sleep. What should I give him to cure it?" Doctor: "Give him the opportunity to speak when he is awake."
Julie Andrews will no longer be endorsing Rimmel Vibrant Shades Lipstick, as she claims it breaks too easily and makes her breath smell putrid. In a statement she said "The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis!"
A pork pie costs £3.50 in Jamaica, A steak and kidney pie will rush you £4.75 in Aruba. Furthermore it is £3.25 for a meat and spud growler in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean, folks! . I’ll get me hat and coat....
Thought for Thursday: When they empty your wheelie bin, do you go out later to the landfill site to ascertain how it's doing? No. So, stop checking on your ex-partners!
I was shopping with the wife at the local Tesco supermarket and suddenly couldn't find her, "I've lost the wife!" I muttered slightly louder than was really necessary. Then, I heard a man's voice from the next aisle, "Some guys have all the luck!" Anyway, I started talking to a voluptuous young brunette woman, because whenever I do summat like that, the missus just seems to appear out of nowhere. I finally located her in the frozen food section. Apparently, she had leaned into the freezer in an attempt to extricate a packet of vichyssoise and five fish fingers grabbed her by the throat!
The hospital phoned yesterday: "Your Mother-in-Law has been admitted this morning". I asked the matron: "How is she?" She replied: "I'm afraid she's critical". I sez: "Yeah, but you get used to that..."
Remember folks, no matter how much you push the envelope it will still be stationary! If you want to keep up with all the latest jocular gubbins, then visit my website. Just clickety-click on: www.ComedianUK.com and visit my all new Jokey-Bloggington for a chortle and a guffaw. You can email me too: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!
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