After being involved in a bad car accident and writing off his Range Rover last week, The Duke of Edinburgh has now bought a new all-electric car. He’s decided to turn over a new Leaf...
WEATHER WARNING! Southerners: Snow, ice & blizzards are expected at weekend, so you are advised not to travel. Northerners: You'll need your big coat....
During yet another Brexit discussion on the radio yesterday morning, the presenter was talking to the CEO of a robotic welding company “What will you do after Brexit?” was the question. “We will keep soldering on” came the reply.
Walking the dogs around the reservoirs, I came across this bloke trout fishing. "How do you ascertain that there are any trout actually in there?" I asked. "Little eddies in the water," he replied. "What, and he lets you know?"
“Knock- knock”.
“Who’s there?”
“Grandad”.
“Quick, stop the cremation!”
I was talking to this girl backstage at a club. She informed me people called her Vivaldi.
I asked her: “Is that because you're a brilliant violinist". She replied: “No, not at all, it's because my name is Viv and I work at Aldi."
Folk who use the use the saying: ‘What goes around comes around’ have never waited by the luggage carousel at Terminal 2 at Manchester Airport.
Non-Stick Nora went to see a spiritualist. In a dark, foreboding and ominous sanctuary, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news: "There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year." Visibly shaken, Nora stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose her and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know the truth. Nora met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"
The snow was so thick last weekend. I asked a snowman the time and he just stared at me. How heavy was the snowfall? Well, you could no longer see the fridges and washing machines in Non-Stick Nora’s front garden!
Thought for Thursday: It's dead easy for any bloke to ascertain just how drop-dead gorgeous any female in a room is, by the number of times his missus calls her a trollop....
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