Start The Referendum!

                                             

                                 

Ten referenda, waiting to be called. And if one referendum should accidentally fail, there’ll be nine referenda waiting to be called! Today is not the end of January; hopefully, it’ll be the end of May! She may not have the moves. She may not have the style. But anything she lacks. She makes up in denial. Start the referendum!

                             

"Sorry I'm late back home," Barmy Albert opined: "This bloke had lost a fifty quid note in Tesco." "Were you helping him look for it?" enquired Non-Stick Nora."Nope. I was standing on it." Replied Albert...


   
The wife takes absolutely ages to get ready to go out. I shouted up the stairs: “How much longer are you gonna be?” She replied: “I told you an hour ago, I’ll be five minutes!” When I’m getting ready to go out, I’m more like a microwave meal. I’m ready in three minutes and I look nothing like my pics!

                                             

Thought for Thursday: The most difficult aspect of joining Hypochondriacs Anonymous is admitting there's nothing whatsoever wrong with you....

                                     

Two blonde girls were meandering through a field, when Sandra suddenly exclaimed, "Look Tracy, there's a flock of goats!" Tracy sez, "Herd of goats, you bozo!" Sandra replied, "Of course I’ve heard of goats, there's a flamin' flock of 'em over there!" They meander among us!

                                           

OLD JOKES HOME: This fella returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the taxi driver if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For a fee of fifty quid, the taxi driver agrees. Quietly arriving home, the husband and taxi driver tiptoe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back, and there is his missus in bed with another man! The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouts, “Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited any money”. HE paid for the Range Rover Evoque that I gave you. HE paid for our new cabin cruiser. HE paid for your football season tickets. HE paid for our holiday home in the Lake District. HE paid for our golf club membership, and HE even pays all the monthly bills!' Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the taxi driver and says,” ‘What would you do?'
The taxi driver replies, 'I'd cover him up with that duvet before he catches pneumonia, mate!"

                                 

Research has shown that folk who quaff tankards of foaming ale and refuse to suffer fools gladly are a hundred percent more happy and contented than teetotal miserable vegan whinging cretins and copious other do-gooders on this planet.
                                       

Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius meandering or chutzpah sauntering. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!