Last Christmas, I got my daughter an iPad, the missus got me an iPhone and I got her an iron! She wasn’t pleased. Especially when I told her it could be integrated with the iWash, iCook and the iClean apps. It switched on the iNag and turned off the iShag! But that’s technology for you!
I would like to share a personal experience with all my readers about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from an occasional social session over the years. On Christmas Eve, I was out for an evening with Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora at my local pub, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife, then we went into Staley-Vegas to a night club, had a couple of cocktails and some rather nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before, I took a bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police road check but, since it was a bus, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise as I have never driven a bus before.
Grandad decided that shopping for Christmas presents had become a chore. All his grandchildren had everything they needed, so he decided to send them each a crisp £10 note. On each card he wrote: 'Happy Christmas Grandad' P.S. 'Buy your own present!' Now, while Grandad enjoyed the family festivities, he thought that his grandchildren were just slightly distant. It preyed on his mind into the New Year. Then one day he was sorting out his study and under a pile of magazines, he found a several £10 notes.. He had completely forgotten to put them in with the Christmas cards!
Fascinating Fact: Advent calendars are rapidly losing their popularity. I reckon that their days are numbered.
I was watching ‘Santa Claus the Movie’ yesterday, when suddenly, the missus walked in, pressed the eject button, then took the DVD out and went back into the scullery. I asked, "Why did you do that?" She sez, "The instructions on this Bolognese pasta clearly says, remove film before placing in oven.”
At Christmas, a real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible. . .. No wait... Sorry... I'm thinking of beer. That's what beer does... Never mind.
Thought for Thursday: Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge?
Yes folks, it’s THAT time of year again! The month of December, when we drag a dead tree into our living room and eat chocolate out of an old sock! If it’s Christmas, get a turkey. If it’s raining get a Capon! Visit my all new festive website! Just click on www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com
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