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Saturday 31 December 2016

Calling all "celebs"! You still got 16 hours to kick the bucket!


Non-Stick Nora decided to move with the times and try the delights of microwave cooking. Whereupon, her devoted husband Barmy Albert went out and bought her a brand new top-of-the range Sharp Microwave oven. Christmas approached and Nora got out her Christmas pudding recipe and assembled the ingredients. She proceeded along traditional lines and even got the each member of the family to stir the mixture 'for good luck'. When Nora consulted the microwave's manual for the cooking time, she could not believe that ten minutes would be enough for a traditional Christmas pudding. Consequently she decided to substitute her normal cooking time of two hours. As Nora was in the lounge watching her favourite Morecambe & Wise Christmas Special, she did not see the pudding spitting in the microwave, nor did she hear the mini-explosions. When she finally extracted the pudding from the ding box after nearly two hours of cooking on 'High', it ponged of burnt sugar and looked like a ball of tar. Naturally, the Christmas pud was a disaster, so much so, that Nora could not even prod it with a fork. In fact the black ball stuck to the bottom of the bowl and Barmy Albert had to get a claw hammer to prize it from its base. In a fit of pique, Nora threw the shrivelled Christmas pudding to Alfie, her Shih-Tzu puppy. After a few days she could see the funny side, and Alfie loved his new indestructible toy, which amused him well into the New Year. Moreover, Nora and Albert had a Brexit themed Christmas dinner this year, there was no Brussels.


I was putting up the last of the Christmas decorations and I went and dropped the flamin’ box of drawing pins so I spent half-an-hour picking them up. I think I've found them all but just in case I haven't, I hid the wife's slippers!


After a day fishing in the ocean a bloke is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket. He is approached by a Game Warden (who looks suspiciously like Blakey from ‘On The Buses’) asks him for his fishing licence. The fisherman informs the warden: "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Every day I come down to the water and whistle and these lobsters jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day. Friends with lobsters? The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a licence. The fisherman turns to the warden and says: "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the lobsters back into the water. The warden says: "Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water." The fisherman turns to the warden and sez: "What lobsters?"



In 2017, remember, those who matter most to you, those who never did and those who won't anymore. Moreover, the important ones, who always will. Never worry about the people from your past, because there’s good reason why they never made it to your future. Visit my website: and continue the quest! You can email me: Now, get back to work! HAPPY NEW YEAR to all my readers!!    


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